The Entry To Hell

I write from school - OREo

Okee ye imma just write when i feel like it and right now, i dont feel like really interacting with anyone lol bc im a noob who cant relate to what anyones talking about so ye imma just talk about anything related to him lol k sorry

***

I sit, situated at the front gate. I tell my surrounding friends and peers that i wait for someone of my friends, when really, i wait for him to walk into school, watching as it means i get guaranteed another day of his presence at school.

I really stress for the day he doesnt turn up. I stress for the day where i expect him, and go through my usual routine of observing from afar whenever i manage, however, he doesnt attend. The day that claims the end of his school life. The day that means i wont ever see him again.

His morning routine has been strange lately. He doesnt end his travel at his usual destination, where he waits for his friends.
No, he continues walking, whether its to the office or to library, it happens.

That could generally mean a lot of things, but heres to constant paranoia and anxiety over a boy who's barely aware of my existence, it means that hes finalising his drop out and fixing whatever college plans he had previously established.

Random words, theres a girl sitting near me who is a severe compulsive liar, she les about shit that you shouldnt even joke about. Her recent claim is that her birth mother (she claims shes adopted by her current family and was forced to move here) is 60 and has over 13 kids. Mm k bye.

We just had class next to each other. As soon as i was dismissed out, i waited against the wall to watch his departure from his own classroom.
Call is creepy, call it what you will, i would like to think of it as making sure hes still alive after the hell that his class is.

Also, i really am now appreciating every glance i can get of it.

***

I feel bad for my friends. They're more obliged to make me happy by staying in the same environment as my boo, after my whines and asks, even despite my friends wanting to be somewhere else.

I feel bad for them. They have to put up with my constant claims and cries about him.

No matter how much i try to change myself, how much i apologise, how much i try to convinve myself to stop talking about shit that only i really care about. I cant.

Hes really the only thing flooding my mind.
Im not lying when i say, ive been in bad situations of my life, whether it'd be a family member passing, or where I'd have a guy asks for nudes, hes always on my mind.

'Man i wonder if he feels any emotion on death?' 'What if hes at the funeral?'

'Would {cheesecake} be the type of guy to ask for nudes' (i dont think he would) (also one of his friends asked me for nudes after they stopped talking so most of my thoughts also revolve around that lol)
Ive tried to concentrate on tests, ive tried to study, but all i can think is 'oh, what if he cracked his knuckless the same time as me?'
'What if hes thinking of me?'
Lmfao i get more delusional and blind by the day.

I wont lie when i say there have been times ive prioritisd him over my friends or family.

Yes, its shitty, and yes, my friend will be reading this, but im honestly trying to be as honest as i can here.

Chicken, i especially apologise to you, lol youve put up with so much of my shit yet you dont see me writing love letters, poems and books for you.

Also, i appreciate the kiss on the cheek you just gave me.

I also sincerely apologise to all my friends and family who wont read this.

I also apologise in advance to this skanky cake faced chick currently talking with cheesecake. Welp, there i go, back into my pathetic depression.

See what i mean when i say i prioritise shit that shouldnt matter, when people that have helped life itself are right next to me?

As i write this, i make my way to class. I walk up the ramps. Hes currently in front of me, he stops and leans over the side of the ramp, yelling at his friends on the ground.

I briefly walk passed him, his scent of very generic lynx spray intoxicates me. Not the type of choking where it triggers my failing lungs. No, its the type i fall in love with all over again. As i type the sentence, hes made his way up to walking next to me. (It's funny bc I had the same scent of lynx and yet he still manages to create a whole better smell of it)
I hold my breath, in the fear that ill breathe too loud. My phone straight against my face, hiding any sign of this writing.

We make our seperate ways. Im now in a safe place, yet unfortunately away from him.

***

im now writing this after school, thus im about to recall some more shitty things bc i feel like writing and i dont want to publish this chapter unless its over 1000 words.

Also i feel shitty about my chapters becoming more of a rant thing instead of recalling actual significant events regarding him but hey, at this point in time (11-8-2018) no one reads the book so like if you're one of the few who randomly found this, thinking itd be entertaining, and have somehow reached this chapter, pls feel free to leavelol.

**

Actually, it's night now and I'm gonna end the chapter here.
Until something inspires me, adios.

Hold up, everyone's asleep and my dad isn't home, my dog outside is going nuts and I can hear clunks of metal and banging outside. The same thing happened yesterday and lead my dog to start whimpering. We had checked on her and there wasn't a trace of anyone...
I also was talking to my dog before, and heard bangs and shuffling from another room, I had assumed it was my cat and yelled at her, calling her a twat, when all of the sudden, she emerges from behind the kitchen island with a small "meow" and iM slIghTlY fREaKIng OUt