It is the thing that makes me feel
Feel as though the world has turned its back on me
I sit in a corner staring into the midst of still chilled air
This is how it is and how it will always be.
Most of the time I don’t take the time to notice
Notice…notice how I am slowly grasping
For that last piece that I can get my weak and delicate hands on.
I don’t cry anymore because it is a feeling that is in me.
I am not afraid to say this anymore
Because I know that it is something which won’t go away.
How can I pretend that I am not what I am?
No one wants to feel the feeling that I feel
At home, at school, at church
Everywhere I go, this feeling finds a way to creep up
Creep up when I least expect it.
No one understands nor can one comprehend
The little monster that has taken over every part
Of my entire being.
My brain is infused with the bit of poison,
The poison that I forgot to exhale long ago.
It was because it refused to come out
Due to the fact that this is his real home.
But is he my monster?
If he is then why does he remind me
Remind me of the person I forgot to mention because
I’m in denial and I want to forget that he ever existed.
Now here is my friend, my “monster” and he is me.
Well he is the masculine version of me.
Let me give you a brief introduction of myself:
My name is nobody and my second name- Lonely.
I have had this feeling for as long as I can remember.
Wait! It’s not a feeling! (I’m such a liar) it’s who I am.
Eighteen years ago when I came out of my mother’s womb
My parents knew that I was abnormal
Abnormal to the extent that you could not put my delicate body
In a little room where you can see the infants and say:
“Aw! What an adorable baby. I just want to eat her up.”
It would be too unfortunate to show my body to the world
Because the world would eventually refuse to accept me.
In all of the stages of my life, I never had what every child had:
Eternal happiness.
I remember those days when I thought I was content
Content with whom I was or the person I thought I was.
But deep down I know that this is who I am.
Who am I to everything and everyone?
My surroundings mourn when I enter a room,
My peers cast me aside like I am a dirty cloth
Which has been over-used for three decades.
The emptiness-my first characteristic
A hole filled with thin air and a quiet creaking sound.
No one can get close to me
Nor can anyone try to convince me otherwise.
I am like the man on the pavement.
He is cast aside by society because of his plight.
I am cast aside because society refuses
Yes! Refuses to acknowledge my existence
And I no longer care.
Bearing this load is not heavy for me
And the feeling that I thought was pain
Is a feeling of acceptance and realisation for me.
I have come to accept myself
To accept that nobody is willing
To look out for me.
I have to look out for myself
And look at the positive side.
My faith in God keeps me going
And I believe that I will be welcomed
Welcomed into the House of God.
Maybe there is hope after all.
Hope for eternal happiness.
But I can only receive that hope through death.
I am scared of death but life is too pointless.
I never thought of committing suicide.
Look at me lying to myself yet again.
Of course I want to commit suicide!
I have all of the reasons to commit suicide.
Just to end it all at once.
But, if I do it then God’s work
His handiwork would go to waste.
So why make the effort of ending my own life?
I just want a way out.
I just want to know if I will ever…
Ever find love.
Who am I fooling?
Why would anyone love me?
I don’t deserve it.
That’s why I say Lonely is a name of mine.
My second and final name.
And my first, my cursed but retrieved name.
This is who I really am – a Nobody.
YOU ARE READING
Naked
Şiir"The truth is better scripted than hidden!" This is a collection of poems that I wrote in my youth inspired by the many emotions and phenomenon entrenched in my thoughts. My vision is to inspire, enlighten and empower.
