I left myself burning, Jane thought. Here I am. Dying. Dead. Living but not alive. I can't feel but here I am...Why am I here? Living with these creatures. I don't want to be a part of this.
It's damage. Living here. I can't be here. I can't be this—this--this creature. It isn't me. It can't be me. Jane shuddered. Brown hair caressed her skin and she felt a blissful chill as she sunk down lower into the water. Everything she was before was cracking. She was shifting into someone new. Eugene was molding her, telling her it was okay, and she'd begun to listen to him. Nothing made sense.
Nothing at all.
Love makes you crawl, she thought. It shivered down her skin and slithered about in the water. Eugene was in the bed out there.What's he thinking about? Does he like me? She didn't know why it'd come to be—why she felt this urge to be with him constantly. Being a vampire changed her in ways she hadn't felt before—Eugene wasn't in love with her. He didn't care about her, not the way she was feeling about him.In the bath he didn't know what she did. So her hands fell down and she pretended they were his—his hands touching her thighs, scrolling up slowly, and Jane felt tears run down her cheeks. Her skin crawled. She felt crazy. She wasn't right. Everything spun and the hunger filled her again. I want it.
I don't need this.
I don't want this.
It didn't make sense at all. Her thoughts were tired and nothing made sense. Everything burnt and nothing burnt at all. The water was too hot and her body was too cold. She dunked herself under and didn't breathe. Bubbles spurred around her and she breathed in deeply, feeling nothing, choking on nothing, spitting out water as she rose up again. She didn't need to breathe but the feeling hurt. Everything hurt.
Why am I alive? I don't want to be. Eugene wants me to stay alive but I'm...I can't do this. He's just a friend trying to be nice and I want someone. I haven't loved anyone in years. I couldn't—not with Monica being so...Jane sighed and ran her hands through her soapy hair, feeling bits of it slide down her cheeks, barely missing her eyes. She didn't care if it fell and stung the insides of her eyes. Let me sting. The urge to throw herself out the water and writhe about on the floor was strong. There wasn't a reason. There wasn't anything.
Why am I doing this to myself?
Images of her last boyfriend stuck to her mind—followed by him in bed, a worthless experience, and then he came up again. She could see him. Feel Eugene against her neck—smell his earthy scent, breathing it in deep, yet when she opened her eyes he wasn't there.
She gasped and felt him once more-Who am I?-and her existence fell into shattered pieces upon the ground. Jane rinsed off her hair as his body touched hers gently and as she opened the drain and stepped onto the bath mat she felt the air crawl against her skin. It whispered hate and misery against her as she dried off and pulled her white nightgown over her tanned skin.
I'm tired.
The bathroom had made the world quiet and she stepped out into people talking over one another, yelling, shouting, laughing, drinking. The vampires weren't celebrating, they were simply existing, being together. Being alive. Jane didn't want to be alive.
She went back to her room, throwing the sheets over her. Eugene is just my friend. Her thoughts were too far apart to make any real sense. I'm tired. Bubbles remained in her hair from where she hadn't washed it out good and she groaned, throwing her face into a pillow. I just want to spend the day here, wasting away. I don't need sleep. I'm just tired.
I'm not me anymore. I'm acting like a teenage girl. Nothing about me is real anymore. Jane Bruno is dead.
I'm only Jane now.
