I used to like the cold.
Goosebumps would prickle my skin and soft crisp winds would whip my hair from my face. The cold used to signal the leaves to start falling from the trees and dark stormy clouds to roll in. I liked the smell of the rain and the aftereffects it had on muddy fields. My favorite times were when white lightening would strike down and we got to cancel practice to sit inside and watch the sheets of rain take over the day. It was nice.
I hadn't thought the cold could be applied to such rotten things too. I never thought I would associate rainstorms so strongly with the taste of blood or the thought of death. We had started out with some many others, hadn't we? I used to think I didn't care about the others that had been turned. Maybe to some extent, that was still true, but when death stared back so strongly, it made it hard to pick and choose the heartaches. I wondered if when they had chosen us they had known how few of us would honestly survive, how much blood would've been poured and that they would be painting targets on our backs for all of those who hated Caroline's clan.
Letting a shaky breath past my lips, my eyes traced the lines that ran across the ceiling for the tenth time that hour. It was a good distraction, one I had learned to pass time in class when one of my teachers was off on an unrelated tangent. My history teacher Mr. Soares even had a spot that looked like South America. The activity got boring after a while though and I found myself trying to decide if the paint was more of a medium or light beige. Had I been able to I would have gone to sleep hours ago but despite everything my mind just kept turning.
The sound of a car broke the silence and I nearly leaped out of my skin. Watching the strips of light cast by the window, I made sure their color had changed back to the dull yellow of the streetlight before relaxing again. A dull ache ran through my body after I untensed my muscles and I grimaced. There were no large gashes or wounds on me, I had been lucky. Yet soreness and bruises took their own toll that made it seem like moving itself was a chore. I was sure if Kohl had been with me he would have told me to suck it back up just like he did before a game.
Now there was a place I hadn't wanted to go.
My mind had been constantly on and off my friends since I had left, but I had been trying to focus on the off part. It just made my chest compress as if I had been running too long. I hadn't texted or called them since but maybe I should have. Of course, there was the chance that they didn't even care or worry about where I had gotten off to. The narrowing of my throat signaled me that that was even worse of an option and so I shoved it as far into the back of my brain as it would go.
Besides it wasn't like I could have told them what I had done. On a simple level, it was hard enough to explain and on a harder level... they would've never forgiven me. And that made it impossible because they were most to all of what I had. Andrea had taught me how to be more social, she treated me like a mother would on occasion, she looked out for me. Kohl and I considered ourselves closer than brothers, he kept me strong and I kept him grounded. The last thing I could have done was call them up and tell them that I might not come back.
Rolling over I squeezed my eyes shut and tightened my hands into fists. I just had to get some shut eye I told myself. The silence felt defining and I began to wonder if my breath was loud enough for anyone else to hear. Less than a minute passed before I was staring around the dark room again. There was nothing to think about but them so I focused on a less depressing part. The semi-finals for our team match had probably been scheduled by now and it wasn't like checking was going to hurt anyone.
Despite my better judgment I pulled out my phone and snapped my eyes shut when the screen attempted to burn my retinas. Taking a deep breath before squinting this time, I turned down the brightness and went online. Sure enough, the website had been updated yet whenever I tried going to the page the thing errored out. Scrunching up my face I made note of the data signal and slipped out of bed.
