It's Just Me

Stay or leave

What on earth made me think this was a good idea? Lindsey was never okay with another man by my side. It's just that, he and Christian are both a part of my life and I wanted them to get to know each other even if just a little, so they can be civil if they were ever in the same room. It's not as much as them, but Lindsey. Christian is a relatively calm person and he tends to keep his mouth shut in a situation which he knows might upset me if he did say something. Lindsey, on the other hand... I could see he was very uncomfortable throughout the night. He did his best though, he tried to talk and accept Christian and that I'm thankful for. I now wonder how their little trip is going. I wanted to call Christian insane when he offered to take Lindsey home, but since Lindsey agreed... I hope I don't have to go to the police to bail them out, because they got into a fight. 

I keep glancing at the time, while I'm cleaning up the kitchen. Christian has been gone for well over an hour and it shouldn't have taken him so long. I bet Lindsey said or did something. I just know he did, based on experience. He should have called that damn car instead. 

Sighing, I dry my hands after doing the last of the dishes and take my glass, which has some wine left in it. I down it quickly, placing the glass by the sink, before I lift my eyes up, looking through the window, and find the driveway still empty. Maybe it was too much for Christian? After all, Lindsey is the man I've loved my whole life, I've lived with him, we have a son together and Christian had to realize that Lindsey will never go away. It might be different if I had given him some reassurance about the state of our relationship. But the truth is, I have absolutely no idea what's going on. 

Another half an hour passes, when I hear the front door open and then close again quietly. I remain in the living room, with my journal in hand, waiting for him to come to me. If he doesn't, then he doesn't want me to go to him either. 

At last, I hear footsteps and I look over my shoulder, seeing Christian entering the room, as he walks around the couch and takes a seat, leaving some space between us. He doesn't speak, he doesn't even look at me.

"So, what did Lindsey do then?" I ask, when the silence becomes too much.

"Well..." Christian trailed off, pausing for a moment. "He just apologized for getting wasted, saying that he could have just called a car."

I frown, facing him. "Really?"

"Yes." Christian gives a single nod of his head. 

"Then what took you so long to come back?"

"I needed some time to myself, to think." He looks briefly at me, before clasping his hands and staring down at them. "What am I to you? When asked, how long we've been together, I didn't know how to reply, because I don't know where we stand. You also only said that you've known me for nearly a year."

I gulp and close my journal, putting it away, before scooting over to him. "I don't know either, Christian. I mean... I love being with you. You're probably the sanest man I've been with in forever and I feel like we balance each other out." I smile slightly, but he doesn't. "You haven't asked me this ever since we started whatever this is between us and I thank you for that. I know you want more. I'm just..." I sigh, not knowing where to take this.

"I'm sixty five years old, Stevie. While I love being with you, too, I'm not sure spending a few nights here or you staying at my place is what I want. I don't just want casual sex. I want to come home to you."

I feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, because he deserves that so much. I don't think I can give him that. "I barely am home." I try to joke, because I have nothing else to say. I don't want to lose him, but I can't exactly commit to him either. 

"That's not the point."

"No, I know..." I sigh. "I'm going to be honest and it's up to you, whether you up and leave or you stay. Ever since Lindsey and I parted ways, I kept finding myself a man to be with. I wanted to prove to myself that I am good enough. When I had Alex, I sank into severe depression. What we thought would bring us so much closer together, in the end, split us up and I hear myself, I know it sounds horrible. Lindsey tried, he really did, but I pushed him away once he got too close to me. He had had enough and he left. I started thinking that I gave someone the most precious gift in life and that was still not enough. I hated that feeling, I hated feeling worthless. So, I started seeing other people, just to have someone with me, to show Lindsey, in a way, that see, there's plenty of men who want to be with me and you gave me up. None of these relationships lasted. I would do the same thing I did to Lindsey, I pushed them away at some point and they left. I didn't want to be alone, but then again, once I heard the word commitment, I'd run." I stop for a minute to breathe or maybe I just don't want to continue, but... "And it's because I always kept thinking that Lindsey would change his mind, that he'd come back. All of those men were substitutes for the only one I couldn't have."

 "So, I'm one of them?" Christian interrupts and I see the hurt in his eyes.

"I don't know."

"Why don't you just talk to him?"

Shrugging my shoulders, I say. "I could, but I'm afraid if we give us another chance and we fail, then what we have now will be ruined as well."

"Like you said yourself, Stevie, it's been almost a year. I could have met someone..."

"Again, it's up to you, what you do now. I'd like it if you stayed."

"You want me to stay with you, knowing you're in love with another man?" I didn't say I was in love with Lindsey, did I...?

"Maybe this time it's different, maybe we do have a future together. Wouldn't you like to find out?" 

"The things is..." He smiles sadly. "Even if I left, I wouldn't want anyone else anymore. I fell for you and it's really painful to be hearing you say all of those things."

"You fell for me?" I ask, my mouth slightly agape.

"Well, isn't it obvious? What man would stay around just because?"

"I don't know what to say..."

"Clearly, you can say it back to me." He shrugged. "I think we needed that, to talk things out. Now I know how you feel." Standing up, Christian hesitated to move for a moment, I guess in hope I would stop him. "I need to think this over. I'm going to go."

"I'm sorry, Christian." I look at him, wanting him to know I mean it. "Take your time. I hope this isn't over."

He doesn't say anything else before leaving.