It's Just Me

I'm sorry

Was I too harsh with Lindsey? And with no particular reason? Well... he did bring that woman along with him to our son's birthday. I was shocked, to be honest. And Alex said they've only known each other for a short time. I know exactly what he was doing, though. He wanted to show off, he wanted me to see that he's with someone, that he can be with someone else besides me. Was it necessary to do that? I already knew she existed, thanks to that phone call. And still... I can't stop thinking about it. Even though I have Christian and I can say that I'm happy with him, I'm, well, jealous. I am and it irks me. It annoys the hell out of me that I'm jealous.

"Stevie? Did you hear a word I just said?" Waddy asks me, waving a hand in front of my face.

"Uh... no." I shake my head slightly, giving him an apologetic look. "What is it?"

"Well, we still have thirty songs and we must cut some of them out. I know you're not keen, but I also know you couldn't do all of them either."

"You're right, I know we have to, but..."

"The time is running out, Stevie. We're leaving in less then a month." Giving me my own handwritten list of songs yet again, Waddy says, before leaving me alone. "I expect to see at least five songs less by the time I come back."

Waddy is probably the only person, who can get away with saying that to me. I've known him for basically my whole career and he's been a true blessing. The thing is, I love my songs and they ended up on this piece of paper for a reason. Though, Waddy is right. I couldn't possibly go through such a long show if I were to do all of them. That's just crazy.

As I scan through the list, my eyes fixate on two songs in particular; Crystal and Crying in the Night. I've never really sung any of Buckingham Nicks songs on my shows. I've never even considered them, but this time, I thought, well, why not? I don't talk much about that record. I am proud of it, however. It's what I've started out with. We did, Lindsey and I. He's approached me several times about maybe doing a small tour or even doing a similar project to that, just the two of us. I've always said no or that we'll wait and see what happens... At some point, he stopped trying. Apparently, he's stopped trying not just with the album...

I'm not sure how long it's been, but Waddy returns and walks straight to me. He looks down at the set list in my hand. "Wow, you've actually listened!" I smile, playfully hitting his arm. "And Buckingham Nicks is still there. I'm surprised, I won't lie."

I've decided to keep Crying in the Night. I absolutely adore Crystal, but I've always preferred Lindsey's voice on it and besides that, it would break my heart, having to play it nearly every night. 

With the list narrowed down, my band and I go through several songs, but my heart's not in it today. I apologize to everyone and ask Karen to take me home. Once we're back, I spot Christian's car and feel myself smiling. Going inside, I hear his voice, so I assume he's on the phone and he is, so without a word I come closer and wrap my arms around his middle, lingering for a moment. I'm not sure what's the conversation about, but he doesn't seem to happy.

"What was that about?" I ask, when he hangs up, kissing me briefly, before replying. 

"I have to leave. For about a week." He adds after a short pause. "There's this medical conference and I've just been told I have to go."

Trying to mask my disappointment, I shrug my shoulders, pulling away. "Well, it's your job. You don't really have a say."

"I know that, but you're going on tour soon and I thought we could spend the remaining time together."

"I wish that too, but..." Shrugging again, I trail off. "When are you leaving?" 

"The flight is tomorrow afternoon."

"Oh." I manage just that, immediately busying myself with making a cup of tea. "We'll have about two weeks, a little more, once you come back. It's fine."

"Stevie, I'm sorry. I didn't do this on purpose."

"I know and really, it's fine." I wave it off, forcing a smile. 

"I won't be staying here tonight. I need to go back to my place and get ready, pack..."

Nodding my head, I say. "I understand."

I realize that I can't be mad, it's not his fault he has to go, but I am upset. Christian knows how to take my mind off things and I really needed that. It's not healthy, when I'm left on my own and I have a lot of time to think. Sure, I could find myself something to do, but I don't want to go out, nor do I want to ask someone to come over. If I write, I cry. I'm quite exhausted of crying lately. 

And still, with Christian now gone, I'm lying in my bed, furiously writing down my thoughts and feelings in my journal. There's just so much that's happened in the past month and the only way that I know how to deal with it is write. 

It could have been and hour or two, maybe even three, when I slow down and yawn, rubbing at my tired eyes. I glance at the clock on my nightstand and I see it's past 2 am. Then my eyes drift over to the phone... I know I shouldn't, but thinking about it for a good while, I realize I'm to blame for a lot in this mess. 

"Hello?" His voice is groggy.

"I woke you up."

"Steph?" He sounds surprised and alarmed. He also called me Steph, despite everything. 

"Lindsey, I'm sorry..." I tell him and begin crying, no matter how hard I tried not to.

I don't hear back from him for a moment, then I realize the line is dead. He hung up.