It's Just Me

I wish it would stop

Do I want to strangle Lindsey right now? Of course, I freaking do! And I thought we were getting better at this. Apparently, we're not. Was it so hard for him to just let me speak, instead of assuming? Instead of believing his own truth? I know I could run after him, he's probably still in the driveway, but I'm not going to do that. It's no use. Lindsey has always been impulsive and he's got to be mad right now. I'll let him cool off, then I'll go see him.

Remembering that Christian wanted something from me, I turn around and climb up the stairs, going into the direction of my bedroom. Pushing the door wider with my hand, I walk in and find Christian zipping up his suitcase. He doesn't look up and I'm glad. This is hard for me. I might not have admitted it to myself right away, but I cared about Christian from the start and along the way, I developed feelings for him. I loved him, I still love him, but the feeling is not as strong as his is for me.

"You said, you wanted to ask me something?" I speak up at last, folding my arms over my chest. 

"I did, but I found it already. I forgot I had put it in the nightstand."

"Oh." I'm not sure what else to say.

After a silent moment, Christian's eyes finally fixate on me and I swallow uneasily. "So, I guess... this is it. I believe, I have everything packed." I can't help my tears, as I lower my head. Christian approaches and envelops me in his arms. "Don't cry, please. My heart is already breaking, I don't want the last image of you in my head to be the one of you crying." He then pulls back slightly, placing his hands on either side of my face, tilting my chin up. "Thank you. Even if things didn't go exactly how I wanted them to, I still thank you for what we shared. I will never forget you." Leaning in, he presses a kiss to my lips and then stands back completely. "You don't have to see me out."

Well, I'm single again. What a surprise... Fuck you, Lindsey Buckingham. Why do I have to love you so much? Why is it that, when I find someone, with whom I could be together and have a relationship that works, my mind travels right back to you? Sometimes, I hate that I love you, but can I change it? I've certainly tried and clearly failed, so it seems like I can answer that one myself...

After a moment of loathing Lindsey, I am back to wanting to fix things with him. I change out of my robe, which I've been walking around in the whole day, apply a little bit of makeup and brush my hair, before going to tell Alex that I'm leaving and where I'm going to, to which he just rolls his eyes. 

I didn't want to bother Karen with this, so I called myself a car and soon enough, I'm standing on Lindsey's front step. What if she is here? Oh God, she probably is... Should I just leave and let him sulk? Shaking my head, I breathe out heavily and ring the bell. Lindsey appears in front of me a moment later, a frown on his face.

"What are you doing here?" 

Balling my fists, I dig my nails into my palms, before speaking. "I came to explain what happened earlier today. I know you got angry, it was written all over your face."

"Stevie, I'm only going to repeat myself, it's not my bus-"

"Just let me in, will you?" I cut him off and his mouth is left hanging open. At last, he steps aside and allows me to enter his home. "Do you have company?"

"No." He says, shaking his head. 

"Good." Walking past him, I enter the living room and take a seat, showing him to do so, too, despite that we're in his house. It just seems to me that I won't get anywhere with him if I'm being soft. "When I asked you to stay, saying that Christian was leaving, I meant that... that he was leaving me, he was walking out of my life." I begin calmly. "Right when you were being immature and jealous, Christian was gathering his things that he had at my house. He was closing his suitcase, when you left." Lindsey's facial expression changes and he seemingly shrinks in his seat. "He returned from his trip last night, he came to see me and I explained to him how I feel, that I love him, but I will never love him like I do you, that no matter what, I won't be able to fully commit myself to him, because I'll be hoping you and I still have a chance. I broke up with him." I say and look at Lindsey, who gulps, diverting his eyes away from mine. "Today, when he arrived, I was still in bed, because I had one glass of wine too much the night before, which I'm sure you can understand why. I grabbed and put my robe on to go and let him in. He began packing his things and I was watching him, feeling like the worst person on earth, I apologized and apologized to him, I got emotional and I cried. He comforted me, rubbing my back and stroking my hair for a little while. Then you showed up."

Sighing, Lindsey leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, as he shakes his head. "I'm such an idiot. I should have listened to you."

"Yes, you are and yes, you should have."

That brings out a small smile to his lips, as he looks at me and scoots over, taking my hands in his. "I'm sorry, Steph. I hope you're not mad at me."

"I was for a little bit, but I knew the truth and I know how you get, when you're jealous. I just really wish that would stop, Lindsey. And I mean, in any given situation, when another man is near me."

Nodding, he says. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just... well, you know, I want to be the man near you."

I'm not going to say anything to that. Lindsey knows how I feel about him, I just told him that I broke up with Christian. He's the one seeing someone now. It's his turn to make a move.

"Is Karen waiting for you?" He asks after a moment.

"No, I called myself a car to come here. Nobody is waiting for me."

"How about I order some food for us and, I don't know, we can watch a movie or something?"

I can't help but smile at his suggestion, as I nod my head, saying. "I'd love that."