It's Just Me

I'll be alright

I don't care that it's the middle of the night, as I quickly hang up and get out of bed, searching for a pair of jeans and a shirt to put on. I know Stevie and if she was the first one to say I'm sorry... well, I can't be playing any longer either. She means it. Never had she ever really been the one to own up to her mistakes. Going over to hers might be a little too much, but I don't care. She's crying and she sounds like she's hurting. And yes, I realize that I've told her, whenever she needs me, I always seem to be there for her, but... well, she needs me.

Only when I've nearly arrived, I stop for a moment and think to myself that Christian might be there, too. What the hell am I supposed to say if he is? Oh, you know, your girlfriend called me crying, so I thought, I'd come and calm her down? Yeah, that probably wouldn't be wise. Although, once I've reached Stevie's house, I see the driveway is empty and I'm immediately relieved.

She might have asked back for the spare key back from me, but I know where she's hiding one. I hope I do, maybe it's not there anymore. However, I do retrieve the key from its usual hiding spot and let myself into the house. It's dark and quiet downstairs, so I make my way up to the second floor and go towards Stevie's bedroom, noticing dim light from under the door. Opening it carefully, in case she has fallen asleep, I walk into the room and find her in bed, turned away from me. 

"Steph?"

She swiftly turns over and sits up, her mouth agape. I see her trying to formulate a sentence, but she just breaks down in tears again and I approach the bed, sitting down beside her, pulling her into my arms. 

"I... I thought, you just... didn't want to... to talk to me." She says, sniffling. "You hung up and... and I thought..."

"Steph, it's okay. I'm here. I would never just hang up on you, baby. Especially when you sound so upset. Never."

She just tightens her hold around my middle, as I rest my chin on top of her head, rubbing her back. I have questions, but I'm not sure whether the time is right. I want to know what brought her to her sudden realization? What made her pick up the phone and call me in the middle of the night? Why can't she currently stop sobbing, as I feel my shirt getting damp.

"I'm sorry, I'm a mess." Stevie pulls away slightly, wiping her wet cheeks. "I just... since Alex's birthday, when I came face to face with the woman, who now calls you hers, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I cut the rehearsal time short today, came home and then Christian told me he's going away for a week, I was left alone with my thoughts and you know that's never good." She smiles sadly, looking at me briefly. "I spent hours writing and thinking, and uh... I know that it's mostly my fault, what happened in the past month or so. I know I treated you badly, you don't deserve that."

"Well, I can't say you're wrong." I try not to sound mean. "When I do everything I can to be around you and with you, you constantly push me away." I shrug my shoulders, as I turn my body slightly more towards her. "It makes me think that you're over me. That you're over whatever we have. Had... I don't know."

"I like to think that I am, sometimes. But you have to understand why, Lindsey. We get on each other's nerves, we annoy and irritate each other to the best of our abilities. Yet, at the same time, we love each other. I guess, I'm just tired. Tired of trying and failing. Whenever we get close, something always pulls us apart again." She's talking to me calmly and I might want to interrupt, but I let her carry on. "That's why I hang onto Christian. It's easy with him. Sure, we disagree on some things, but it's never that hard to realize that either of us said or did something wrong and apologize. Unlike it is with us. Maybe I'm just at that age, at that point in my life, when I don't want to have to fight so hard. I don't have to with him. It may sound like I've just settled for second best, but what he and I have, it works. I am content." She goes silent for a minute and I still don't say anything. "But when I called you and a woman picked up... days later, when you brought her to my home..." Her voice cracks and she's crying again. "I realized, content will never be enough for me. I hated every second of that evening. I don't want someone else near you, touching you, whispering to you, making you smile, kissing you, just being with you."

Breathing out heavily, I reach and take her hand in mine, so she knows I'm not angry, that I simply want her to know how I feel, despite the words coming out of my mouth. "But Stevie, you know you can be that someone. I don't love her. Hell, I don't even know her really... Was it a bit of an act? Absolutely. And I'm sorry. She and I just met. Although, everything you just told me, that could very well be passed onto Olivia. Am I ever going to fall in love with her? Of course not. Will I be content with her? Sure. I'm exhausted of doing this over and over again, as well. I'd give anything to be with you, but..."

"I don't want you to think that this moment right here must change our current situation. I mean, I don't want to fight with you anymore, but if you think you can be happy with her, if you want to see where it goes... Be with her." We're looking at each other and she seems so sincere it's breaking my heart. "By calling you, I only wanted to apologize for what a bitch I've been to you lately. I want you to know that I don't hate you, that I could only ever love you. You're the father of my child, you're a huge part of my life and I wouldn't want some petty, childish behavior to ruin us completely."

Do I want to completely forget about everything and kiss her right now? Yes, I fucking do. Do I want to make love to her, so she begs me to stay and never leave again? Hell yes, I do! But... 

"I love you too, Steph. Always have and that's never going to change." I say, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, smiling at her weakly. "I'm really glad I came to you. We needed this." She gives a nod of her head, as I lean closer and press my lips to her temple. "Will you be alright? Or would you like me to stay a bit longer?"

Sighing, she shakes her head. "No, I'll be alright."

Waiting until she lies down in her bed again, I turn off the lights, tell her goodnight and leave, as if I haven't even been here. 

What the hell do I do now?