It's Just Me

Is that a good idea?

It's been three days and I haven't heard from Christian. Much like Lindsey hasn't heard from me... I said, he could take as long as he needs, but I'm getting more skeptical with each day. I mean, I don't blame him. You have to have really strong feelings for someone if you're willing to be with them, knowing their heart is somewhere else. And I have to admit, I do still love Lindsey. I'm still in love with him and that's just not ever going to change. 

I decide it's time I go see Lindsey and have that talk I promised to him. I asked Karen to come around 6 pm to drive me and it's half past five right now. Without actually climbing the stairs up, I stand at the bottom and yell Alex's name. He joins me shortly. 

"I'll be leaving soon. I'm sure you'll find something in the fridge if you get hungry, but I shouldn't be gone for too long."

"Where are you going?"

"To see your Dad."

He gives me a look, saying. "You're sure that's a good idea?"

"No." I reply, chuckling a little. "But I have to. You behave yourself."

Alex nods and returns to his room.

Before long, I'm in Karen's car and we're on the way to Lindsey's. I know she has questions, but every time she glances at me, she knows better than to ask them. 

"Should I wait?" She faces me, once we've arrived.

"I don't know. Maybe no, you can leave. I have my phone with me, I'll give you a call."

She gives a nod of her head and I get out, taking a deep breath, I approach the house and walk up several steps, then ring the bell. Lindsey let's me in almost immediately, it's clear he's been waiting for me. We greet each other politely and he shows me to the living room. He offers me a beverage and goes to the kitchen, leaving me by myself. I look around the room and it looks clean, which makes me wonder. He did mention having to meet someone the other day and there's no chance he would be the one cleaning the house. Is he... is he living with someone?

"I thought you were just kidding, saying you wanted to talk and then I didn't hear from you for days."

"Ah, well..." 

"It's okay, you don't have to explain yourself. You're here now."

Thanks.

"So, are we going to dance around the subject and small talk?"

I shake my head, as I begin to fidget with my rings. "I haven't been completely genuine about the things I said when we attempted to talk it out the first time."

"Don't tell me you're ill." Worry crosses his face.

"No. No." I repeat. "Saying, I don't want get involved with the recording, because we're going to fight, I meant, you and I are going to fight. I don't know what happened between us lately, but we've drifted so far apart, Lindsey. If we get ourselves into recording an album, it's going to make things even worse. And I don't want that." I tell him sincerely. "It hurts me, our current situation. I know I've been terrible at showing it, but I miss you, too. The bigger the gap between us gets, the more I distance myself from the thought of approaching you. I fear that... if we get close again and I think you know what I mean by that, I'm afraid that something will go horribly wrong and we won't be able to stand the sight of each other. It would break me, Lindsey. I couldn't survive that."

He just stares at me, without saying a word. I don't know what else to say either, so we sit in silence for a good while. I poured my heart out and I expected something.

"I'm sorry." Lindsey finally says and I part my lips, but nothing comes out. "I'm sorry I said everything I did the other time. I know you better than that and I didn't approach you the right way. I just kept pushing..." He shakes his head, as in he's disappointed in himself.

"It's not your fault. I kept my emotions bottled up and I refused to tell you the truth." I shrug my shoulders.

"I love you and as I get older, I begin to realize just how much I love you. I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings, be that when we're recording or... or in any other situation."

My heart swells hearing those words and it's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't force myself to say it back to him. I don't know why. It's never been a struggle before... Maybe I've just been trying to ignore the feeling too hard for too long.

I can't believe I'm doing what we used to do decades ago - solve problems with sex. I get closer to him, bringing my hand up to touch the side of his face, as he closes his eyes. I reach up slightly, pressing my lips against his and he responds without a second of hesitation...

The following morning, I'm woken up by an irritating sound, which doesn't stop. Realizing it's my cellphone out of all things, I open my eyes and free myself out of Lindsey's arms. Slipping his t-shirt over my head, I take my handbag and search for the phone.

My heart stops, when I see it's Christian...