It's Just Me

The right thing

Christian is coming back today and he said, he's going to come over later this evening. He told me that he missed me and he can't wait to see me. I missed him, too, but... Well, I know how tonight's going to go, so I'm a little anxious about seeing him.

Under different circumstances, I probably would be busy in the kitchen right now, cooking dinner, then running up the stairs for a shower, before applying makeup, making sure the eyeshadow is darker than usual and my lips are bright red. I would also ditch my so called uniform and wear something more attractive and revealing. However, that's not going to happen.

I'm glad Alex isn't home either, because I'm not sure how things are going to go down exactly. He's staying with Lindsey for a couple of days. Lindsey... In the last week he and I had more adult conversations than we've had in the past fifty years, I think. It's clear that we're both trying. I'm not exactly sure what we're hoping to achieve, but we certainly are trying. I'm beginning to feel like I have my Lindsey back from many years ago.

While waiting for Christian, I decide to take a hot bubble bath to relax. I light up candles and incense before I get in and when I do, I close my eyes and let out a heavy breath. I go through the last year and a half or so. It's been good, I can't deny that, but Christian deserves more. So much more and I can't give him that.

It's nearly 8 in the evening, when I hear the front door being opened. Soon, Christian walks into the family room, where I am and he greets me with a big smile. "Hey."

"Hi." I smile at him as well, standing up to step into his already open arms. He kisses me and I don't fight him, before both of us sit down.

"Sorry I'm here later than I thought I'd be."

"It's fine. You know, I don't go to bed early." I wave it off and move myself to sit Indian style. "So, how was your trip?"

"Boring of course." Christian replies and laughs. "It only took away a whole week from us, nothing more." I gulp, diverting my eyes from his, biting my lips. "What's the matter?" He asks. He really knows me well.

"I didn't want to jump right into it, but... well, what's the point in dragging it out."

"You're scaring me, Stevie." And I do see the concern across his face. "I hope you're not sick or something?"

"No." I shake my head to emphasize. "Christian, I've had a lot of time to think. I've started seeing things a little bit differently and... I love you, I do, you're a wonderful man, but we're not meant for each other. I know we talked and I promised you to give us a try, you said you would be patient with me, but I realize, I'll never get to that point with you. I will never fully devote myself to you, I will never marry you and I'm sorry that I've given you false hope that I might someday."

He remains quiet, looking at me for a moment longer, before his eyes drift away. The silence is killing me, but I'm not going to push him. "Be honest with me, okay?" He then asks and I give him a small nod. "Did something happen while I was gone? I mean, between you and him. Did he tell you something, did he promise you something? You... you slept together?"

"I swear that we didn't. It's not about Lindsey, it's not about what he and I have or had. It's truly about me wanting you to be happy. I know you might say this is enough for you, Christian, but it's not, I can I see it. You're a good man and you deserve to have a woman, who will love you just as much as you love her, to whom you'll come home to, which is what you want. This isn't easy for me. I've got very attached to you and like I said, I have feelings for you, but... I also know that one day, when you think we're perfect, we're happy and you'll ask me to be your wife, I'll say no."

"I can live with that." He says, like I knew he would. "It's not all about marriage."

"Well, not completely, but it's exactly what you want. I can't give you that." I pause momentarily, then speak up again. "You're right, this has something to do with Lindsey, I guess. Why do you think all of my relationships failed after him? It's because I fell for him and I fell for him hard. I've been in love with him since I was a teenager and I'm sixty eight years old today. If I'm with you, I still think about him and it will never change. I know it's unhealthy and I know it's wrong, but it's also my reality. That hope will never die. So, even though it's hard for me to tell you that we're over, I'd rather do it know than lead you on and take away another year or more from you." I only realize my eyes welled up, when tears escape and roll down my face. "She's still out there, Christian. I'm sorry, I really am sorry that I'm not her."

Again, silence follows, as he then looks at me, his own eyes brimmed with tears. "So, that's it? There's nothing I can say or do? Ask you for another chance?"

"You don't have to. You didn't do anything wrong." I sniffle, using the back of my hand to wipe my wet cheeks. "It will hurt for a while, but time heals and sometime soon, you too will realize this was the right thing to do."

"It hurts." He nods, repeating. "It hurts bad. Despite the fact you've just broken up with me, I don't regret meeting you and spending all this time with you. You're one of a kind." Christian smiles sadly, reaching for my hand and I don't pull away, when he brings it up to his lips. "I, uh..." He then stands up. "I'll be on my way. I'd like to come for my things tomorrow if that's alright with you?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll be home, so come whenever."

We part with that and I feel another rush of tears, hearing him drive away. I'm praying this was the right thing to do.