It's been a week since the unforgettable happened. I thought that maybe I would be over it by now. Because bad things always happen to me and go away. Why hasn't this one? My body doesn't hurt as much but my bruises and scars are still completely visible.
I realized that my mouth thinks before my brain and whenever someone tries to touch me I snap at them. My heart rate speeds up and it makes me feel like I am choking. I would go to the hospital to get my wounds checked out, but they would ask too many questions. My mom couldn't pay for the hospital bill anyways.
She tries so hard to give me a great life, I can't put her in even more debt. So I just march on into the path of my inevitable destruction. My mind isn't connected with my body and I say or do stupid irrational things.
Like yesterday, Sunday, I punched Charlie Gardener in the face. We were at the park and his stupid cocky self walked up and hit on Riley. He made a sexist joke regarding Riley and I couldn't let him continuously be an ass to her. So I helped her out. Fortunately Moral Compass saved me from putting him in the hospital, although I did mess up his pretty face a bit. My best artwork.
Anyways here I am, suspended for 3 days. I wish I had hit him harder, then I would have gotten an entire week off. School stresses me out even more than usual nowadays. For example: I can't even be within 10 feet of a guy without almost fainting.
I hate how Riley isn't in the know. Because I continue to upset her. I don't mean to be rude but she keeps pushing and I can't tell her. I can't even let her touch me either, sure I could stand her close to me, but even when she stares at me for too long I get anxious.
Maybe it's because I'm just a hormonal teenager? Or because I was fucked in every wrong way possible. I cry myself to sleep each night. By sleep I mean not being awake for an hour. I only 'sleep' for about 45 minutes. I only eat when I'm at school and people are watching me, but in reality I just go to the bathroom afterwards and get rid of it.
It's not that I'm not hungry, it's just that feeding my body doesn't feel right. My body is still raw and reeling from the events last week and I just can't eat.
At this point my cuts have grown deeper and my under-eye bags have dropped. My arms and legs are weak so much so that I could barely move much more than a slow walk.
It's fall in New York but on rare occasions it's hot. The weather doesn't influence my attire anymore. I wear whatever covers my body. It's not just the fact that I would have to explain all the marks on my body, but also I'm so insecure about myself now. Even more than before, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.
I wish I could tell Riley or my mom, or Lucas...even Farkle. But I can't because that would ruin Riley's view on innocence and all things great in the world. She would hate Josh and hate herself for not being able to help me.
So I have to sit alone and cry 24/7 for maybe the rest of my life? Hopefully my days are limited. I don't want to live like this anymore.
