I Could Die For You (Editing In Progress)

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The rest of the California tour went by quickly, thank God. The shows were great, and Nirvana was killing it. I really liked Kurt, Krist and Dave and I really liked the music they were making too. It was nice having them and Pearl Jam on tour with the Peppers; all of that good music was enough to make a fan faint.

The only thing that was not working out was my relationship with Anthony. We'd get into fights almost every night. About stupid stuff, how I talked to Eddie too much or how John and I spent too much time talking about our album. Then I'd argue with him about how he was hanging out with girls too much backstage.

They'd come back after the show was finished and ask Anthony to sign their boobs, or ask if he wanted to go out for drinks. I didn't mind it at first. I knew girls loved Anthony too, and that it would be rude of me to barge right in and say, "Listen you cunts, this is my dick not yours. Beat it." But, I don't think Anthony really realized he had a girlfriend when they came back stage to talk. The last 10 shows or something, when girls would talk to him, he'd offer to take them out for drinks.

I brought it up to him a few times, but he'd deny it.

"Oh Lilly, don't be ridiculous.", "Why would I flirt with someone right in front of you? Do you realize how silly that is?"

I tried to stick it out as much as possible, but it was tough. I was hurting inside, and Anthony didn't see it at all. I felt like my life source was draining.

Not only was my relationship with Anthony crumbling, but so was mine with John's. After the first show in California, the day of the skate park incident, he acted differently. When I did talk to him, he was barely interested in our conversation. Whenever a girl walked by, he'd stare her down with his red eyes. Half the time he was high, or in bed with a girl. He was going around trying to get laid as much as possible and when he did get on stage with the guys he was totally out of it.

It looked like my whole life was starting to fray in those last weeks in California. The only person who I really talked to anymore was Eddie. We weren't exactly best friends, because we'd only talk when we'd see each other, but when we talked he listened to me and I listened to him. He'd repeatedly ask me if everything was okay with me, but I would just shake it off and give the usual, "Yeah just feeling under the weather."

Each time I looked at Anthony I felt sore, my stomach churned and I wanted so badly to ask him what was going on. It was no use though; he'd give the same feedback.

It was turning out like all of my other relationships, and that made the feeling in my stomach worsen. I spent most of my time during shows mingling with fans in the crowd because it gave me a sense of family and home; which is all I craved.

The tour, Anthony and John were all dragging on me. I just wanted to go home and sleep, wake up and sleep again. But I wanted to stay with the guys and work it out with John and Anthony. Too bad it didn't work out the way I would've liked.