I Could Die For You (Editing In Progress)

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Documentation of Lilly's Pregnancy

September 23rd, 1994

I'm four weeks pregnant as of today. Feeling good...but feeling scared already. I hope my vagina comes back in one piece once I give birth. I think Anthony secretly hopes so too. Ha-ha. We went for lunch today with the boys, to share the news. It was very, very emotional. John was there, with his new love. Beautiful girl. Anthony told me she played numerous instruments, and was into rock music. She seems very eco-friendly. I didn't catch her name, but she wore very light clothing that was easy to move in, and her jewelry, which was very minimal, was made of material from the earth. John appears to really enjoy her, and I hope the best for them.

Anyways, they are all very, very excited. Flea cried and told me, "Kids show you the beauty and tragedy of the world. They open your eyes and your heart." I love him so. Clara was very excited too; I think she is praying it's a girl so she has a friend to play with. I hope so too, but I am feeling indifferent towards the gender. I will love him/her either way.

Chad is very excited too! He tells me he wants to know the sex as soon as I do so he can start shopping for presents. He is so lovely, like the rest of them. John is beyond happy. He rested his hand on my-still-flat stomach and smiled. John loves children, and I think he loves the idea of being a father too. I hopefully will become an aunt for him soon in the future.

Kaity is most of all excited. As you may have guessed, she is already planning the baby shower. Oh boy.

October 2nd, 1994

Just had my second round of morning sickness. Anthony heard me throwing up in the bathroom and panicked because he thought there was something wrong with the pregnancy. I laughed and assured him there wasn't anything to be afraid of.

The warmth and glow in his eyes is growing as time rolls on. I wonder when the father reflexes will come in? I asked him and he just laughed, guess I'm getting the corny sense of humor that mothers have.

I know he will be a wonderful father, and will adore our child(ren). So far he seems confident over the birth, maybe more excited than I am.

November 30th, 1994

Anthony told me today that he has announced that touring will start of September of next year. He thinks it would be better if he were home for the first weeks of our baby's life. The band seems to be okay with it, as am I.

I have a baby-bump now. Just a small one, but nonetheless a bump. I think it's magnificent! I lay awake at night, after Anthony has fallen asleep, and rest my hands on my stomach and think about our baby. The accomplishments she or he will have, the trouble they'll get into. If they'll have Anthony's eyes or mine. I cannot wait.

December 22nd, 1994

We're staying at Flea's for Christmas this year, which we will leave for tomorrow. I am very excited to be spending these days in their company. Clara called the other day and said she would read the baby stories from the books Flea reads to her. I find it oh-so-adorable! Clara is a little beauty.

The bump is doing well, fighting strong and doing well. I visit the doctor as often as I can. I'm in the beginning of January for the gender determination. Anthony teases me about eating greens this vacation, but I plan on eating as much tuna salad as I can fit in my belly. I tell him it's the pregnancy cravings, but I really just love tuna.

December 29th, 1994

While having breakfast at our house, I felt a kick! I let Anthony feel immediately, and the baby went on for almost 5 kicks! What a rough little guy! I think Anthony is the real one with the "pregnancy glow." He looks handsome as ever, and is treating me like the last flower on Earth. He's such a sweetheart.. God, I love him.

January 3rd, 1995

Well, I went to the doctor today and found out the gender. It's to be a girl! Anthony and I are both delighted! Five months going, and four more to go until we bring the beautiful angel into the world. Now to start thinking about names.

As much as I am still so excited about our baby's progress, and I am still so saddened by Kurt's passing. It's already a new year, and I feel as though I will never recover. Anthony is taking it hard, but he is trying to move on. I think I should too, and stop acting so glum at times, but I feel Kurt's spirit everywhere. Kaity says my sudden depressions are not good for the baby, but I just.... I only hope Kurt lives on with us, still in this world somehow, and watches over our baby... maybe he'll shed some of his glorious soulful beauty on her with the passing of winds, or a rainstorm.

January 17th, 1995

Anthony and I have decided on a few names. So far we have Beth, Roxanne, Gemma and Annastasia. I like that one best.. I think Tony does too.

February 6th, 1995

Mr. Kiedis told me while we were shopping for cribs that he wants to move by the end of March. He says he fins our home now too "aristocratic" for an angel that he wants to grow up loving the world. I told him money should not matter, but how we raise her. He nodded, but said money might play a part. I am confused by this.. Anthony is wealthy. Is he too hide his wealth?

February 25th, 1995

We've been house shopping for so long now, seeing at least two every day, or every other day. Finally, we settled on a house large enough for a family of three. It's magnificent, but simple. It had four bedrooms, three baths and a playful mood. It's surrounded by trees and nature, but close to the ocean and our friends. We will start moving in next week. If my pregnant butt will allow.

March 30th, 1995

We are nearly done unpacking what belongings we have. We sold a lot of things that Anthony had grown out of. His previous home was already barren enough, but this one is even more so. Flea is coming up tomorrow to go shopping with me. Anthony is staying home with Chad to paint Annastasia's (I won him over by singing her name one night when he was about to fall asleep!) room. It is going to be an ivory color with earthy colors. I think we seem like hippie parents, but...

April 3rd, 1995

Anthony woke me up last night crying. I was sleeping soundly, eight months pregnant now, when I heard sobs. Our home was mostly furnished now, although we added things here and there, so I was comfortable in our bed. He was worried about what kind of father he would be. I had a feeling he would be like this soon. He says he doesn't want to be like his own father, but I stayed up most of that night confessing my love and telling him otherwise. I think he's convinced. He really has nothing to fear. I know he's going to be wonderful.

Tomorrow marks one month since we lost Kurt. I am too heartbroken to even write... My heart aches and aches. Anthony tries to comfort me, but there is no comfort for this kind of sadness. Only time. I wish I could send Courtney my love...

April 27th, 1995

I am falling in love with our house. I smile at the pictures Anthony hung up in the hallway of our wedding, and laugh at how stereotypical we've become. The baby is doing well, and we are waiting for her arrival in one to two weeks. I am so anxious. So scared...

I gardened in front of our house with Kaity last week, as much as I could with a boulder in front of me. It looks beautiful. We have tall oak trees lining our driveway that have been there since the house was built, which makes the house seem older, but it looks like it was just built yesterday.

May 1st, 1995

I am so happy.