How I See You

Chapter 11 - It's Will.

Will.

I’m frozen. My heart, chest, skin, head is frozen. My chest keeps aching in this totally annoying way all the time, and I can’t think of anything except how it felt when I kissed Alyssa and held her, and the feel of her skin and hair and how she smelt and how gorgeous she is.

And the fact that I can’t have her.

It’s just depressing. I haven’t heard from her or seen her. I can’t bring myself to call her. She obviously doesn’t like me. I knew things were complicated with her, but . . . I never thought she would turn me down.

And Avril and those other bitches . . . I want to just kill them whenever I see them now.

I want to kill myself because I feel so bad for not being able to control myself. But she’s just so hot that I had to kiss her right then and there.

It felt so good. Was it not good for her? She kissed me back.

Oh, God.

Life is such a nightmare.

“Will? Hello . . .”

Tai’s voice makes me become alert again. I switch my mind half back to the maths lesson.

“Myra told me that Alyssa moved to your street.” He’s grinning.

“Who’s Alyssa?” Lewis hisses from my other side. I think he has some ALERT thing in his brain, that whenever someone says a girl’s name, even if he doesn’t know them, he hears it over everything else and has to ask about them. He’s weird like that.

The teacher glares at us.

I swallow and look down at my book.

“This girl,” Tai tells him impatiently. He looks back at me.“Why didn’t you tell me she is living on the same road as you?”

I look at him, and shrug.

“What’s wrong with you?” He asks me. “You’re dead miserable.”

I scowl. “Nothing.”
Tai frowns, and glances at the teacher. “Have you been hanging out with her?”

“Sort of.”
“You like her?”

I don’t reply.

“Why don’t you tell her?”

I slam my pen down and look at him. “Shut up, Tai,” I growl. “I never said-”

“I can see it,” he replies promptly.

I sigh and pick the pen up. “I did tell her.”
He grins. “And . . . what happened?”
I don’t reply.

He stays silent. “So you just went, ‘I like you, Alyssa, would you like to go out with me?’ and she said no?”
I glare at him. “No.”
“What did you say?”
“She . . . I didn’t say anything until . . .”
He frowns. “Did you . . . um . . .”

I freeze. “What?”
“Make out? Or . . . more than that?”
I don’t reply.

“Don’t tell me you . . .”

“I didn’t do anything . . .”
“Did you sleep with her?”

“Slept with who?” Lewis hisses.

I shove my middle finger up at Lewis, then say to Tai firmly, “No.”
“Make out with her?”
I give a single nod.

He lets out a low whistle, and I sigh miserably.

If the days without Alyssa are difficult, the nights are pure torture. Usually I find it hard to sleep, and I am a light sleeper. But the thoughts of Alyssa make me restless and I feel even colder than I do in the day. I roll around in the bed, becoming angry with myself.

For everything.

For kissing her. For telling Tai. For hanging out with Avril and making my life even more difficult. Maybe the whole thing about Alyssa not being allowed to hang out with guys is just a cover up story and really she doesn’t want to mix with me because I’m a waster trouble maker person.

Then for the first time I realise it – she deserves better than me.

How could I be so stupid and obnoxious and think that I could just grab her and kiss her?

But then . . .

She kissed me back. And she was almost pulling me onto her, her arms tight around my neck, and her mouth was practically crushed against mine.

Whenever I think about it, it makes me hungry. For her.

I can still remember the shape of her body against mine, and I remember there was one point when I almost slid my hand up her top.

Oh, damn.

This is what I mean.

I can’t control myself.

She’s never kissed any guy before or gone out with anyone and here is me, practically throwing myself at her.

I need to calm down.

The whole ordeal not only makes me miserable and cold, but half the time I act stupid and like some retard. In football practise the ball practically hits me in the face because I’m not looking and I end up with a bruise on my cheek. Luckily it’s not dark or very large, but Tai now thinks I’m lovesick.

Great.

Reina on the bus asks me questions that I don’t even understand anymore because I’m too worked up thinking about Alyssa. When she finally shuts up, she acts all cold and ignores me as if she’s offended. I probably scowled at her or something and now she’s pissed.

Everyday the torture becomes worse. Part of me wants to knock on Alyssa’s door and call her and text her continuously and throw rocks at her window until she actually talks to me. But then I remember I need to give her space.

And the coldness gets worse. I break out in a fever, getting hot one minute and freezing cold the next.

I just hope no one except Tai finds out what is wrong with me.