How I See You

Chapter 40 - Will again...

And this chapter goes to Stop And Stare by One Republic.

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All I know is that it's been ten years. All I know is that I'm older, and surrounded by people that will never replace her.

I stare at the marble gravestone with pink delicate cherry blossoms dotted around it, and even more bouquets of flowers before it. The sun shines down on the engraved words,



ALYSSA HELENA MALBURGH

1995-2011

HER MEMORY WILL LEAVE AFTERGLOWS OF SMILES ON OUR FACES FOR ETERNITY



Everything seems fuzzy as I kneel down and place a bouquet of creamy white roses in front of the stone, and whisper, "Happy Birthday."

I feel a hand on my arm and when I turn I see Avril. She is looking at me sadly as she hooks her arm through mine and murmurs, "She was always so reasonable and kind. She's safe now though."

I pull my arm away and blink back tears as I catch sight of the ring on my hand, and remember who I'm supposed to give all my love to now. Avril is my wife, and Alyssa is nothing but a memory.

I begin to walk away, to Tai and Zara who look as young as ever, but I feel so old and miserable and unpure. Tai pats my arm, his other hand wrapped around Zara's. I can't hear anything anymore, it's like I have a sound proof bubble around my ears.

I turn away from them too. I'm turning away from everyone. Katy, Niall, Lewis, Evan, Reina, Leila. And they're all wearing their prom outfits.

I can't breathe anymore. Everything is pitch black and suddenly I'm falling. Is this what it is like to faint, or to die?

-

I wake up with a yell, with my hair stuck to my forehead and my shirt drenched with sweat. I peel it off and sit there shivering, staring around the room.

Katy has gone, and have to remind myself continuously that it was a dream. It was a dream. Alyssa is still in the care home and Avril is not my wife, nor will she ever be my wife.

I get up and go downstairs to the kitchen, where I can hear voices. My mum, dad and Leila are sat on the sofa, their faces fixated on the news channel. I see their eyes dart towards me when I come in.

"You've been asleep for a long time, Will," My mum tells me gently as I spot the darkness outside. "Are you feeling ill?"

I shake my head impatiently and go to get a drink of water, my head banging. "Did Mrs Malburgh come round?"

Leila nods. "Yeah, but you were sleeping."

I whirl round. "Why didn't you wake me up? Then I would have got to go and see Alyssa!"

I haven't gone more than a day without seeing her and it's killing me slowly. If they had have woken me up then I wouldn't have had that stupid dream. I feel even worse than I did before, when I hadn't got any sleep.

"I'm sorry. It's just that you've looked so tired lately, honey." My mum comes over and strokes my hair back. "Why was Katy in your bed?"

I turn away and scowl. "She fell asleep in the kitchen so I brought her up. Then I fell asleep too," I grumble, sitting down heavily at the table.

They're all silent and I can feel all their eyes on me, but I don't look at them. I don't look at anyone anymore.

"Alyssa's mum said she's going tomorrow at ten, as well," my dad adds, as if he's just remembered.

I nod my head. "Alright, I'll go tomorrow."

-

I stare at the white door, too clean and boring and hospitalised. I look at Alyssa's mum and she nods, her eyes tired and dull and sad. I bite my lip and push the door open with Katy behind me, and I'm greeted by the aroma of lilies and orchids. I focus on the bed and the girl with the golden curly hair, who lies in it. Everything is silent as I step over to the bed, gazing down at Alyssa's face, so pale yet peaceful these days. It's a shock to see her like this even though I've been before. I went everyday to the hospital, but now I haven't seen her in two days its shocking.

Her hand lies there for me to hold and I sit down on the chair beside the bed grasping it as if it will save my life. She's cold. I glance at the window to see it's closed.

"Hi Alyssa," Katy announces in an upbeat voice, sitting on the bed as Alyssa's mum sits on the other chair. She begins to stroke Alyssa's curls back.

I watch her chest, to make sure it's moving up and down, to know she's still breathing. I squeeze her hand and look down at it as Katy starts to talk about normal things. I'd like to believe that Alyssa can hear us. At the beginning, for the first two or so weeks I thought she did. I believe what the doctors said. But I thought that if she could hear us, and want to see us, and if she missed us, she would wake up. But obviously she can't hear us or she would be awake by now.

I don't know if Katy believes it, or if she's talking to her to make herself believe it. I listen to her conversational tone as I press Alyssa's hand to my lips, thinking, Wake up. Wake up. Please.

I lift my eyes as I notice the absence of Katy's voice, and meet her brown ones. She gives me a look that I couldn't understand more, as she and Alyssa's mum stand up and walk out.

My time with Alyssa alone for a while now. I lean forward t rest my elbow on her bed and close my eyes, taking in a deep breath. I wish she would just move a finger. Or make a sound, even a sigh. What I'd love right now more than anything else in the world would be to see Alyssa's stunning green eyes staring back at me.

"Alyssa," I begin to whisper. I kiss her hand and let myself say anything. "Please wake up. I love you. I miss you. So does your mum and dad. And Philip. As well as Zara, Katy, Reina, Tai, Lewis, everyone. Even Avril is missing you. And Myra, she's visited a few times. What do you want me to do? I'll do anything to get you to open your eyes again." I feel my throat catch, and I pause, squeezing her hand. "You're missing so much. I don't even know what to do these days without you. And you don't want to miss your birthday, right? It's in three days. Do you remember?"

I lean backwards and watch her face, to see its still the same. I hold back a sigh and run a hand over my face. "Please, baby. Please wake up, Alyssa. I'm begging you. I love you," I whisper and lean forward to kiss her softly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know it's all my fault, and you probably hate me . . . I'll do anything, I'll not speak to you again if you don't want me to, if you wake up."

To my surprise, tears begin to roll down my face without warning, falling onto her hand. I close my eyes and hold her cool fingers tightly in mine, pressing teary kisses softly against them. I never cry when I come to see her. I'm so urgent. I'm so scared. All of a sudden.

"I've not got much to say, other than that," I go on, making sure my voice doesn't shake. "I . . . Summer's pretty boring, without you. Oh, did I tell you Niall got rid of that redhead girlfriend? Yeah, she's gone. She irritated me anyway, and I don't think you'd like her anyway." I let out a chuckle. A halfhearted one. I sigh, and continue on, "The weather's staying bad, I think it's because you're still in here. You took the sun with you, baby." I take a deep breath in and squeeze her hand again. "I just wanna hear your voice, again," I whisper.

-

It's twelve-thirty when her dad walks in, drenched from the storm outside. He collapses into the chair on the opposite side of the bed and nods at me.

"Hello. Again."

I drop my eyes back to Alyssa's face, so peaceful and still that it's painful. I squeeze her hand, feeling has eyes on me, but I ignore it. "Hello."

"You really do love her, don't you?" he blurts out, "I know that if it were any other lad they wouldn't be bothering with her anymore."

I sigh and look up at him, not sure how to react. "I do love her." I say simply. I smile dryly. "I did say it quite a few times."

"I just didn't believe you." he shakes his head, "And I'm sorry for that."

I don't say anything. I don't know whether I like Akyssa's dad or not. I just look at the floor, and hear him rooting through his bag.

A minute later, he speaks again. "You know what I mist think would be a good idea?" he doesn't wait for me to ask what. "If we read to her. I used to always read to her. And instead of making her fall asleep at night she would become even more awake. It might work."

I feel like telling him that everything is the opposite these days, but I'm up for trying anything to wake her up. To see those green eyes again. "Sounds like a plan," I manage to say, and look back at him.

And he begins to read from an ancient book of fairytales.

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Thanks for reading , I really appreciate it :) I have decided I WILL be doing a sequel to this. I will start to write it when i have finished this (obviously) and when I get 10,000 reads on this. However if I am writing a sequel the updates on my other books will be even slower.

Only a few more chapters left! I must admit I have been getting a little tearful :')

Oh by the way, I found my cast :) check it out! :D --->

Have a bien jour <3