How I See You

Chapter 44 - It's Will.

I stop dead when I see her sat up, eyes wide open, and she's looking at me as if she's in pain but also as if she is trying to work me out.

When they told me what had happened to her, I wanted to punch every one of the doctors that had looked after her. They were meant to make sure this didn't happen. They were meant to control it. They didn't even warn us it could have happened. And they say she may gain her memory again, just like they told us she could hear what was going on around her when she was in the coma.

It's okay for her family, she will remember them. I'm back to being angered by them all, not this time because of them being controlling and not liking our relationship, but because she'll still remember and love them, but not me.

It's okay for Zara as well, and even Niall and Katy, because even though she doesn't remember them two they can become friends again in no time, and they never had anything precious and special, nothing that was a one-time thing that they could never experience the same again, not like Alyssa had with me.

I've never be more jealous of anyone. I never have been and I never will.

And now as I stare at her somewhat scared, somewhat nervous expression, I feel the life drain out of me. I have to force myself to move forwards, one foot in front of the other, one, two, three, four. To the side of her bed, standing there awkwardly as her emerald eyes blink up at me.

It's so painful. I want to grab her hand but I know she will freak out. She doesn't know me, not anymore. Yet before, she knew me more than anyone else.

We are back to square one.

"Hey," I say softly, sitting down in the seat. My mind wanders to what Niall and Katy have been saying to her, and if they've warmed to her. They're leaving now, and I'm jealous because I know they'll be able to sleep tonight, and I won't. Leila is waiting for me outside, and I said take all the time I want, but I don't think I will be able to.

Alyssa doesn't know me, not anymore.

"Will Palmer?" she stares at me, somewhat reeling back from me. God, she's beautiful, even in a hospital bed. "Don't tell me what they're saying is true."

"I know it's crazy," I murmur, running a hand through my matted hair, "But please. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but-"

"Don't say it then," she whisper-exclaims, her eyes wide and begging, her chest rising and falling speedily, all of a sudden. "Just - I'm sorry. I don't know who I am, what's going on, what happened-"

"I can help you to know." I tell her lowly, and I feel my heart, my actual heart, aching. I close my eyes to stop any water flowing. "I love you."

It pains me to realise that I've never been so hurt before, than right now. Because it comes to me that she doesn't love me now. And after tonight, she may never will.

"I want to stay with you, forever," I go on, my eyes now squeezed shut. "Alyssa, I can show you pictures, I can get people to tell you how much we were in love-"

"You don't need to!" I hear her burst out, and my eyes snap open to see she is staring at me with tears in her perfect eyes. "I believe you," she says, more softly. "I believe you. But . . . I don't think I'll ever . . . I won't be able to . . ."

I suck in a breath. "Won't be able to love me? Why?" my voice is harsh, demanding, accusing. "Why?"

She looks scared. More frightened than ever, as if she wishes nothing more than for me to leave her alone.

So that's what I do. I stand up, not waiting for her to give me an answer, and I shove my hands in my pockets as I exit the room quickly, my head down and my blood boiling. She doesn't care. She never will.