How I See You

Chapter 42 - Will.

"Her heart's stopped."

I feel my whole body has frozen and the phone falls to the bed. I hear sniffing from her on the other end, vaguely, as if it's in another life or time. All I can think of are the words, No, no, no. .

I curl up into a ball on the carpet of my bedroom floor, everything so silent that it feels like it's smothering me. I don't hear the gasp that I let out and I thump my head against the floor, my fists clenching.

Memories flash before my eyes in my head, of us together and I only start to feel the surroundings around me again when I feel the warm tears dripping down my face and stinging my eyes harshly.

I really thought she would make it.

I can't even think properly. I don't know how to deal with this. My shoulders start to shake as I seriously think of trying to kill myself. It is after all, my fault.

"Will?" I hear faintly, and I grope for the phone, catching sight of the picture of Alyssa and I on the night of the prom, on my desk,

I suck in a breath, hurting my chest. "Yeah?" I realise I'm sobbing.

"I just thought you should be the first to know after me and Alyssa's dad. We're at the hospital, they're operating on her-"

Operating on her? A glow of warmth lights inside me. Hope. There's hope. She's not totally gone?

"-and if you want to come over, that's fine if your parents let you. Is it okay if I leave it up to you to tell your friends?"

I nod, and look around the room through my tears. "Yeah," I mutter thickly. "I'll tell them. I'll come up to the hospital soon."

"Okay dear." I hear her beginning to sob, and it sends a pang of hurt through me, making me have to end the call and chuck the phone onto the bed.

I have to get all the crying out of my system before I go to the hospital. Before I call Katy and Zara and Tai. I sit curled up in the middle of the floor not even bothering to wipe my face as I pray in my head to God, begging Him to keep her. To let her stay in this world. To help her make it through.

I don't have the strength to call them. I text Katy and Niall telling them to get up and dressed in ten minutes if they want to come to the hospital, and I immediately get two replies back, agreeing. I go into Leila's room to find her reading, and when she sees my half-wet face she immediately has her arms around me and is offering to take us there. I then text Zara and Tai. I know it doesn't seem like the sort of news to break via text message, but it's the best I can do. I can hardly speak.

-

It's like the middle of the day inside the accident and emergency ward, because it's so packed. Leila, Katy and I hurry over to Alyssa's dad, the only person in sight that we recognise.

He's been crying too.

"She's been in there an hour," he says in a frail manner, looking up at me with wide eyes. I've never seen a man look so scared.

Looking at him makes me feel even worse, that I look away. It makes me feel guilty and weak, that I could have stopped it, and now I can't do anything about it. It is my fault that his only daughter could be gone within the night. She has her whole life ahead of her. There is so much I wanted to do with her. I thought she would grow up to be an amazing person, who could change the world for the better.

Fifteen years is too young to be accepted into heaven.

I look at the clock and realise it's already her birthday. It turned the twenty-ninth of August forty two minutes ago.

She's sixteen now.

I look up at Niall helplessly, and realise we shouldn't have fought. I shouldn't have attempted to punch him. Katy has tears pouring and dripping and rolling down her freckled cheeks, and I let her wrap her arms around me and sit on my lap as I suck in a breath.

I thought I wouldn't cry. I promised myself I wouldn't, not in front of everyone now. But I can't keep it in.

"My wife Jasmine took Phillip home," Alyssa's dad tells me, as he sees the tears in my eyes that are blinding me. "He doesn't know what's going on, he just started- started crying, when everyone else did."

I nod, keeping my mouth clamped shut firmly and turn to Leila who is crying silently, shaking her head with her eyes closed and hands pressed together in a prayer. I take Katy's arms and force them around my neck, wanting to feel someone holding onto me. I don't care what she thinks of me of what she wants from me, I just want to be held by someone.

Tai and Zara come ten minutes later. Niall has been pacing and muttering all this time and Katy's sobs have quietened down and her eyes are closed, leaning her head against my shoulder, but she's still awake, I know she is. Tai pats my shoulder firmly and sits down in the seat that was previously occupied by Niall, and pulls Zara onto his knee.

She's an emotional wreck. She's sobbing louder than I've ever heard and going on about how it isn't fair. I watch each tear fall from her eyes but I can't say anything, I have to swallow and close my eyes to keep myself from falling into the trap of tearing up.

"The doctors, they'll get Alyssa awake," Tai's whispering to her as I turn away. "Maybe this time, her heart has stopped because she's trying to wake up. And they'll help her. She's gonna be okay, baby doll."

-

I'm shaken awake from a terrible dream of chasing a doctor through a tunnel of fire, to see Niall standing over me. I wipe drool from my chin and let go of Katy, who looks terrified as she stares at my face, her bottom lip trembling as tears fill up her caramel coloured eyes.

"You were shouting in your sleep," she whispers, and I ignore her, glancing at the sleeping Tai and Zara beside me, holding eachother in their arms. I feel so jealous of that.

Checking the clock opposite I see it's twenty past three in the morning and the waiting room is no longer crowded, only about five other people are there except me, Katy, Niall, Tai, Zara, Alyssa's dad and the doctor.

Hold on. The doctor?

I stumble to my feet, knocking Katy over. Niall has to catch her and hold her upright as I walk over to where the guy in the white coat and Mr Malburgh are talking.

"Please tell me she's awake," I beg urgently. My legs feel like they've turned to lead and my head is spinning painfully.

The doctor looks at me with a somber expression. "She has, son. But it's not all good news."

---

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