How I See You

Chapter 38 - Will again.

This chapter was hard to write.

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It's been two months. Two fucking months. 

Everywhere I walk it's like there's a grey cloud over my head. I feel like I've been immersed in a heavy pool or I'm surrounded by a cloud - of guilt and anger and pure sadness. She's almost missed the whole of summer. It's her birthday in five days.  

I stay there every night, almost, but her dad's made me leave tonight. He doesn't hate me as much as before, he thinks it's his fault. But it's all mine.  

Anyway, he said I need to get rest, I look like a zombie. But I can't get rest. Before this even happened, before I even met Alyssa, I was somewhat an insomniac. And now? Damn, I feel like a fucking vampire. I wouldn't be able to sleep to save my life. 

But since I've been kicked out for the night, and I can't sleep, I decide to wander the streets. 

They say it's been the coldest summer in sixty years, all of a sudden. There has hardly been any sun, just clouds and not even proper rainstorms that would make me feel better, just drizzle. It's like it's a message from God telling everyone that things are just gonna get worse. 

When I get to the end of my road I spot Niall and Katy sat on the pavement, both with their hoods up and arms around each other. When Katy found out, she was a mess. She cried for two days straight, and even now she will often go into fits of crying. 

"Will," Niall calls at me, and I raise a hand half heartedly. I shuffle towards them with my hands in my pockets and they stand up. 

"You okay?" Niall mutters lowly. I feel so stupid for having that fight with him over Alyssa, ages ago, when it turned out to be nothing. Now, he also has dark circles under his eyes and his face is paler than usual.  

I suck in a deep breath, as Katy wraps her arms around one of mine.  

"Don't ask that, Niall, do you think he's okay?" she glares at Niall, who looks guilty. 

"Sorry, man." 

I shake my head, and manage to get out, "It's the day. Her parents have to make the choice." 

Katy knows what I'm talking about. Niall, however, looks dumbfounded. "What choice?" he murmurs. 

"Patients that are in the hospital in a coma can only stay there for two months. Whoever is responsible for them has to choose whether to move them to a nursing home, or- or . . ." I gulp, my chest clenching. I can't say it. 

Katy hugs me tight and I can see there are tears in her eyes. I realise for the first time that everyone has been trying to comfort me, but I've comforted no one. Katy was Alyssa's friend, just like Niall. I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes to stop any tears falling. 

"They- they can't," she blubbers, and sniffs. "She's gonna wake up, I know she will. They have to put her in a nursing home. She'll be okay there. They are going to do that, aren't they?" 

I bit my lip and rest my chin on the top of her blonde head, and shake my head. "I don't know, Katy. I hope so, anyway." 

I lift my eyes to look at Niall who is staring at the ground with his face scrunched up. He utters the words that I've been thinking in a long time - "It's not fair."

-

That night I lie in bed staring up at the ceiling, my eyes wide open and my heart pounding louder than ever. I try to imagine her room, at this moment in time. Cold, maybe slightly dusty. Unused. Dark. 

Lifeless. 

I grab the pillow beside me and press it against my face, as if I'm trying to suffocate myself. Suddenly I'm trying to breathe but I can't remove the pillow, and I'm just sucking in the hot fabric of the pillowcase, no air reaching my lungs.