How I See You

Chapter 45 - It's Alyssa here.

As soon as I see Katy's face through the glass in the front door, my heart leaps. She looks so panicky that it makes me feel queasy. I'm still a little unsteady still, and to make it worse I have this New house and new road to adjust to. But I will admit, it is very comfortable. And big. And interesting.

"Katy?" I ask as I open the door, staring at her. "Are you okay?"

"He's- he's not even going to give it a chance!" she exclaims, and falls to her knees in front of the porch, "He's leaving you! He's leaving all of us . . ."

Her head drops to her hands and I sit on the step gingerly. I have no idea what to do. If I act how I feel - careless - then she might take offence and get angry. And if I look upset then she could become even more upset.

"These things happen," I say, and I know it's lame, but I am terrible at this sort of stuff.

She lifts up her head, and I spot anger flashing through her eyes. "So- so you're not going to even try to stop him? Don't you want to get back to normal? Aren't you going to give him a chance?" she sniffs. "You two loved each other so much. This is almost as bad as the world ending. It's like the opposite of a fairytale - a happy start with a sad ending, when it should be the other way round."

"I don't know what I'm meant to do," I whisper. It feels like someone else has lived four months of my life, living in my body, and everyone expects me to tidy up the mess she made. I should have never fallen in love with Will. I'm so angry with myself.

When she just glares at me with her watery eyes, I ask Katy quietly, "Is he really leaving?"

"Yes. In three days."

-

Everyone at school seems to know more about me than I do. I was looking forward to starting at the Sxith Form, because I am just doing the subjects I want to do now - History, English Lit, Music and Psychology. However the downside is that it's mixed with the boys now, so I get Will Palmer's friends talking to me. Tai, Lewis. Jordon. Evan, Jonas. The whole bunch. They think I'm seeing Will and want to know where he is and why he's not coming to school.

I don't have the nerve to tell them what Katy told me.

Avril doesn't speak to me, but she's not glaring at me menacingly either. It seems like her and Cherice look at me with some kind of pity in their eyes, and I'm not sure which side of them I dislike more. I guess not being bullied by them is a nice change, however.

Although Myra seems almost scared of Zara and I. Whenever I am near her she moves away, whenever I find her staring at me her eyes dart to a different place. It's kind of scary, and I wish she was my friend again, but I know it will never be, even though I don't know why or what happened.

Zara isn't great at explaining it all.

I'm sure that I saw her more before. I hardly see her now, and not because we don't have the same classes, but because she's always with Tai. It's like she has to be attached t him all the time and she can't go on being without him for more than half an hour.

It's crazy.

I stare out at the road and wonder if I was like that with Will. Part of me wants them all to turn around and shout that it was a joke, but I know they wouldn't do that after I've lost my memory and been in that accident. I feel like an old woman or something.

Everything at home is normal, but just in a new house. It is new ro me now, anyway. My dad hasn't said anything about Will and I get the vibe that maybe, just maybe he didn't like him.

Will Palmer hasn't even come to my door, hasn't rung me. His number is on my phone and for some reason I am not deleting it. I have even looked through the pictures of the prom, and there are some other random ones of Will, and me, and us both together at the lake or something. It's crazy, I repeat. I certainly don't love him - I hardly l know him! And if he came to the door, or rang me, God . . . . What would I do?

I have no idea how to talk to boys.

And now he's leaving? Well, maybe he hated our relationship and wants to get away as soon as possible. Maybe I was clingy. And that performance in the hospital about him loving me could be to make it look less like he hates me. I feel so stupid. So angry, so mad, so irritated.

-

Dad let's me out of the house on the first weekend off from school. I need to go for a walk. I need to be alone. I need the September sun on the face. The wind in my hair. The fresh air on my face.

I realise for the first time that something is missing right now. It is so disheartening though, because I don't have a clue what. I don't know if it's a person, or an object, or a place. Or maybe something I can't touch, like an experience or an emotion.

Happiness is definitely gone. But what do I need to do to get it back?

I've never walked found the lake before in my memory, but I must have done with Will Palmer because there are pictures on my phone. I stroll past the cafe and then walk down to the sandy area with the little wooden platform out on the water.

At the end of the platform stands a dark figure, staring at the water. It's a guy, with the hood of his black hoodie pulled up. I watch as he kicks the scuff of his toe against the water's surface, and I start to step backwards.

Niall turns around as if he's heard me, but I'm pretty sure my footsteps were silent. For a few, long seconds, we stare right at each other, before I feel my cheeks flush and I sit down on a rock, my eyes shooting to the ground. That's the thing I hate most about myself - the way I blush so easily.

I didn't know he hung around here. I hear him step over to me and sit down on the sand beside me, twirling a piece of grass in his hand. I only stare at his hand, pale and slim. Running a hand through my hair, I still don't say anything.

"Katy told me the whole situation with Will." When I look at Niall he is staring at me as he speaks.

"Yeah. She seems to know everything," I say lightly. The humour doesn't work.

Niall sighs and I watch as he puts his head in his hands, running a hand through his dark hair, which is such a contrast to his pale skin. "Even though we fight - a lot - He's always been my best friend. Alyssa, you have to do something. Do you have any idea how much this is going to change everything?"

"No, I don't, Niall." I say plainly. "I don't know anything anymore, because, I just - I don't remember anything."

Niall exhales heavily and I realise, that he's in the verge of tears. I want to touch his shoulder, to comfort him, but it doesn't seem like it'd be enough, and I'm too scared anyway. "Will and I both fucked everything up big time. It was always problems with girls - problems with you and Katy . . . It's just never enough for me. Nothing is. I think I've always loved Katy, I've always wanted to please her. And then I met you and . . ." for the first time ever he blushes at the same time as me, "And, I liked everything about you. I remember there was one day when . . . Well, you were hanging out at my house and Will got annoyed. I didn't know you two were together at the time and he was suspicious that I liked you and all that shit. But I always loved Katy. The other day, she was looking to me for comfort and I was so happy, I was convinced she liked me. I fucked everything up then, and kissed her. And then . . ." he shakes his head as I stare at him, my mind whirling. "Fuck I can't say it. I don't want to think about what I saw the other day. And you've been through enough."

I don't want to ask the obvious, nosy question, "What did you see?" so I shake my head and stay silent even though I'm inquisitive. I'm still surprised that two incredibly handsome boys are, or were, attracted to me in some way. My cheeks are still red, I can feel it.

"Im sure everything is going to turn out okay - it just a new stage of our life. One day, we'll look back and not care." I know I sound horrible but that's how I want to make myself think now.

"No, Alyssa." I spot him glaring at me, and he stands up, "Everything is fucking not going to be okay, so don't even say or think that."

As I watch him slink away, I turn my back to the water and stare up at the sky, lying down onto my back in the sand.

I don't like it when boys swear at me.

-

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