Saudade // c.h.

one

It'd been 2 months since the tragic incident that took place previously. Every night I woke up with the same scene replaying in my head, constantly.

I wish I could've stopped her. If I was fast enough, smart enough to know what was going on earlier.

Then, I wouldn't be like this. Maybe if I decided not to sneak out that night, maybe if I had been wise enough to just stay in bed and stick to myself.

But I wasn't and now there was no turning back because what had happened, happened and there was no changing that.

The girl who had died that night's name was Annette Lawrence.

I had met her mother who shared with me all the basic information of her daughter.
She was seventeen, she was sad, and she was dead all because I couldn't stop her in time.
That's all I needed to know before I broke down again.

I didn't even know her. But I guess that's what witnessing a death does to you. It destroys ever little thing that's left of you and leaves you with nothing but grief and pain to live off of.

Every night since the tragic incident the same thought wandered into my head. The same dream, the same situation, the same scenario, the same everything. Nothing ever changed, no matter how much I wanted it to.

I wish I had known her, so I could've helped her, spoken to her, and maybe even stopped her.

I would do anything just to meet her and change everything.

-

I woke up screaming that night, sweat dripping down my forehead and my hands clutching to my sheets.

My mother bolted out of her room and appeared at my door way panting, with her hand strapped to her waist, "Fay?"

I took a deep breath and gave myself a minute to come back to my normal state, "the same dream," I explained, a hint of fear, clear in my tone.

My mother sighed, "we really need to see I physiatrist about this, it needs to stop. I'm worried about you, it's been months."

I shook my head with a scowl plastered onto my face, "no, I don't need to pour out my 'thoughts' to a moron with a degree whose only solution is a bottle full of loopy pills that will make me overdose."

"Fay," My mom started. She hated when I spoke like this, I knew she was trying to help, but she wasn't helping in the right way.

"No." I snapped, "I've already told you plenty of times, I'm not going anywhere."

She was getting tired of waking up every night to check on me and I felt guilty about that, but a physiatrist was not what I needed. I needed time and space, not pills and time-wasting discussions.

"Just read a book, something to keep you occupied before you decide to sleep again." My mother sighed, walking out of sight. I could see the tears threatening to spill from her eyes as she left.
-

That night I hadn't shut my eyes once since I woke up from my horrid dream, I couldn't risk having that repetitive nightmare again to ruin my night and wake my mother.

Since the accident had occurred, I never leave the house or get out of bed until at least 6 AM because that's when I can assure myself that the streets will start getting crowded and that's when I know nobody will do something like Annette did.

Since it was finally 6 in the morning I threw my sheets off me and walked briskly towards my dresser, stretching out my arms on the way.

I stripped off my pajamas and slipped on a pair of jeans, a white plain T-Shirt, and some high top white converse to pull the outfit together.

I never really saw a point in dressing up all nice every morning, I never had anybody to impress, the only person I needed to please was me and frankly, that was fairly easy.

In the past 2 months, I hadn't really been thinking about anybody. In fact, barely even myself. I only thought about Annette.

There's so many people in the world that make drastic decisions that tend to scar people for the rest of their lives. But, I never thought that would effect me, I never thought that would har to be my problem to hold me back. But now it was.

But I guess the fact that so many people took their lives was understandable considering the pain some of them have to go through almost every single day.
-

As time went by I found myself walking past the same area where the 'incident' happened.

As I passed the spot where Annette had shot herself, Annette's face made an appearance in my thoughts.

Her lifeless pale face sent me to my knees, I could feel the tears piercing my eyes and leaving me with wet and flushed cheeks.

A few people passed me with confused expressions on their faces, concerned about wether or not I had lost all sanity.

I looked at the concrete floor, where Annette's blood was still stained.

I held back my screams and wails as I stared at the floor hopelessly, pleading for a chance to hold myself together.

I helped myself up and continued to walk, letting tears freely escape my eyes.

I made a turn into a public bathroom and walked in front of the mirror, and took a quick look at myself.

My makeup was a little smudged but it was nothing to noticeable to make anybody wonder.

I grabbed a napkin and quickly whipped off the tear stains, making sure there was no signs that I had been crying.

I took a deep breath before walking back out into the streets and making my way towards the bus stop.
-

(a/n)

yay the first chapter is up. sorry if it was a little bit too short. It's nearly midnight and I'm leaving for a trip tomorrow so I'm a little bit tired.

Since, I'm leaving for a trip tomorrow I'll be able to do a lot of writing on the ride there so Chapter 2 will hopefully be longer. Sorry if there were any grammar or spelling errors, nobody's perfect.

Again, if you didn't like this chapter comment what you didn't like about it and why you didn't like it. I'm an unexperienced writer and I want to know what I can do to make my writing better so please leave me tips in the comments.

However, if you did like this chapter comment what you liked and why. Be descriptive. I love to read my comments.
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and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
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Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll update at least twice a week unless I mention I won't.