Saudade // c.h.

twenty-eight

twenty-eight

Pain. There's so many ways to define it. Hurt, ache, agony. It's all so sudden-so unexpected. It just happens and it's so unfair because it's so easy to feel it but it's so hard to forget it.

"Fay," Hailey sighed staring at me as I rocked back in forth with my legs tucked up against my chest and my arms wrapped around them, "just talk to me-we miss you."

I looked up at Hailey, tears brimming my eyes and clutched onto my necklace pressing it harder against my chest, breathing heavily and sat silent.

Calum's death had traumatized me, hitting me completely off guard, it had been 2 days and I hadn't slept once-talked once-or left my corner of the room once.

I just cried, threw up, ate, cried again, threw up again, ate again, and breathed.

"Joy is wondering about you," Hailey said playing with the strands of hair loose from my bun. I winced at the mention of Calum's mom, I missed her.

"She was asking if you want to stop by for lunch," Hailey continued, "Cal's sister isn't in town at the moment, but Joy is. She's alone right now-she could really use your company."

I nodded staring down at the bitten edges of my nails, and sighed, allowing a few tears to flood from my eyes.

"You should visit her," Hailey said before standing up and walking towards my doorway, "please consider it."

I nodded once more as Hailey disappeared from my sight, shutting the door behind her.

I picked myself up from the floor and stared at myself in the mirror.

My brown hair had been formed into knots, dark bags had been formed under my swollen eyes, and I had been wearing the same oversized gray sweater and baggy sweats for 2 days.

I took a deep breath and stared down at my counter where a picture of Calum holding me in his arms laid on the counter. A goofy grin was planted on our faces and Calum's chin was resting on the top of my head. We looked so happy. We were so happy. Because Calum was here.

I began to breathe heavy breaths, attempting to calm myself down as a mix of anger and sadness built up inside me, just until I lost it.

I screamed, and then I clenched my hands into tight fists and then screamed again, pulling all my drawers open and pulling out the clothes and dumping them on my floor, and knocking the flower pots off my table, running towards my bed and pushing my mattress off the bed stand and ripping pictures off my walls. This wasn't the first time I lost self control it had happened twice yesterday, both of which Emma and Hailey generously volunteered to help me clean up.

I finally sighed and burst into a fit of sobs as I threw my back against the wall and slid down the wall onto my hands and knees, pressing the necklace against my chest, looking back up at the picture of Calum and I.

The door threw open and Hailey came running in, kneeling down beside me as she pulled me into an embrace as I sobbed into her arms.

She looked around before sighing, "did you break anything?"

"Lots of flowers," I answered.

Hailey smiled weakly at the sound of my voice before pulling out of the embrace and helping me up to my feet and walking me over to the dresser.

She leant down and picked up all the clothing and stored it back into the dresser, neatly and quite surprisingly quickly.

"Are you going to visit Joy?" Hailey asked in more of a plead then a question.