Saudade // c.h.

thirty

Thirty

(I suggest reading this chapter while listening to Not About Angels by Birdy because it makes it better okay)

It had been precisely one week since the funeral. There were no doubts that I couldn't take a minute without thinking how lovely it would be to relive every moment I shared with him. He was a special boy I once was able to call mine-and now he was just a memory scarred in the back of my mind.

The tombstone had finally been placed where Calum had been buried and I don't know what hurt me most about seeing it, the reminder that he was gone or the shock that it was his name printed across it. I had been hoping I wouldn't have to see another beloved named written across a stone.

I slipped on a mid-length trench coat around my body and grabbed my keys, slowly opening the door attempting to not make any sudden sounds that could wake Emma or Hailey. But of course, I failed, as Emma approached me from her bedroom with a robe wrapped around her, "its 12 in the morning, where are you going?"

"To see Calum," I said, not bothering to lie about where my destination was. I really didn't see a point in-because I was going to leave whether Emma objected or not and I would keep going if she chased after me.

"It's pretty late," Emma mentioned.

"Yeah-but I can't sleep," I said, slipping out the door and shutting without saying goodbye. I didn't have the motivation or patience to wait for her to let me go off and saying goodbye would just waste even more time. I strode down towards the stairs and made my way down stairs before I finally arrived outside the apartment and by Emma's car. It was he offer in the first place that I could borrow her car when she wasn't using it, so there really was no second thought in my head about whether I should've taken Emma's car keys or not.

I opened up the door and shut it with a slam, putting the key in the ignition and turning on the radio onto the soft tune of Ed Sheeran.

+

Calum's tombstone was located towards the middle of the funeral and the only thing that helped me memorize its location was the large oak tree that it rested under and that fact that it was placed right beside Annette's.

I dropped to my feet once I arrived by Calum's tombstone and wrapped my legs into Criss cross position so I was directly facing the tombstone. I ran my fingers over his name that was imprinted into the stone and smiled softly to myself before a few tears slipped from my eyes, "I miss you."

Silence.

"You don't have to answer, just listen-that's all I really need. You were always a good listener, Cal. You were the only one who truly understood and I wish I would've told you about Annette sooner. It was a cowardly thing for me to tell you through a voicemail but that was really the only option I had at the time. I hope you understand."

"I know you would want me to be strong," I continued, "and I think I'm doing pretty well so far. I cry sometimes-but I mean that's normal, I haven't killed myself yet and trust me I've considered it a plenty amount of times. There is so much I have to tell you that are probably all you're really interested in anyways. When you left I was really sad and so was well everybody else but we all thought you were okay and that everybody was fine but I guess that's not how things always work out. The boys cried a lot at the funeral-Luke felt awful about it because he promised you he would be strong but sometimes you just have to let it all out. Please don't be mad at him-he tried really hard."

I stared down at his name once again and whipped the single tears under my eyes and continued to softly speak, "I bet you ran into Annette up where you're at, right? I bet she's lovely and I bet she'll love you better than I ever could. Your graves deserved to be next to each other that could be the only way you'll get to love again. That's why you killed yourself right? To be with Annette. I bet she's a lot greater than me, if I had the choice-I would let you go so you could be with her. If you ever left me for her I would understand-she seems wonderful. It would be an understandable decision. Tell her I said hi, will you?"