Saudade // c.h.

fifteen

Chapter Fifteen

"Sorry about the wedding." Calum chuckled.

"It's alright." I smiled.

Calum and I had finally agreed to look past everything that had happened in the recent wedding but, I was almost certain that the wedding was the only thing we could think about and if i'm correct, I think it's what actually probably confirmed us.

However, I wasn't totally sure. I wasn't sure about whether Calum wanted there to be and us and more importantly I didn't know if I wanted there to be an us.

It all just felt wrong with Annette and everything. Calum belonged to Annette. Annette belonged to Calum and by just looking at Calum I knew his feelings towards Annette still existed and I didn't want to change that.

But I needed to because I didn't want Calum to end up like me. Holding onto Annette and never forgetting a single detail about her. I didn't want him to be ruined and scarred like me. I couldn't let him be ruined and scarred like me.

But what would happen if Calum knew I was there to see Annette die? I feared that he would be as angry with me as I was with myself. For not getting there fast enough and for not stopping it.

If only I had known. 

If I could I would go back in time and change it, even if it meant loosing Calum because Calum's happiness and Annette's existence meant more to me then a little crush.

But it wasn't only Calum that I would do it for. I would do it for Annette. because I wanted to know Annette, in fact, I needed to know her and Calum might possibly be the only way I could know her.

Even if it didn't mean her knowing me.

But something kept me back from asking Calum about Annette. I couldn't bring back his pain because I knew from the look in his eyes that he was just starting to forget about his grief and sadness and bringing it back for my satisfaction would be the most selfish  thing a person could do.

"Do you ever wonder?" Calum blurted out.

"Wonder about what?" I asked.

"About well, us?"  Calum answered.

"It depends what you mean by us." I smiled.

Calum sighed, "about you know, what we are and what well, we could be."

"Calum I don't know-" I started but he didn't let me finish.

"Come on Fay, just think what we could be." Calum pleaded.

"Calum I-"

"Think about we are and think about what we could become and then, think about what we could change." Calum said.

"How could we change anything?" I questioned.

"We can't change what happened in our pasts but, we can change the way we see them." Calum said.

"I don't know how I could do that Calum." I admitted. "Things has happened in my past that have broken me in every way possible, things that I can't admit. Things have scarred me and left me unable to see the world the way I once saw it and these things they just don't let me see the world as a happy place anymore. These things that have happened to me just make me see the world as big circle full of pain and sadness and broken people who can' t be fixed. But the things have happened to me haven't made me see the world in a different way. It just made me see the world more clearer. We are all just broken and confused people who are so oblivious to the fact that the people around us are dying inside. No, we aren't oblivious to it, we just ignore it because we think that if we ignore it, it goes away but, it doesnt. It just gets worse because when you leave a cut uncared for, it doesn't go away, it gets deeper and it get's deadlier and worse. But, we don't know that because we're training our minds to keep us from seeing things the right and true way. and that's what's keeping us so broken." I sighed, "We are the reason for why we are broken. We are the reason that we can't see clearly anymore because we are in denial. Not only are we in denial because we are in pain but because we are scared. We are scared of what is to come and that's what is keeping us back from seeing that we are all broken people who have shattered like glass and are being rejected and ignored so we are just there on the floor, broken and scattered everywhere and people are stepping on us and when they connect with us, they become in pain because they feel the broken glass we are."

"I can't promise you that I can fix the world." Calum started, "but I can promise you that if you let us be something, we might have the chance to fix eachother and then the people around us. We can pick up the broken pieces of glass and put them back together. We can't fix the world but if we try hard enough, we might be strong enough to change it."

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[A/N]: wow omg so deep haha, sorry for making you all wait such a long time for an update but you guys THANK YOU SO MUCH BECAUSE I JUST REACHED 995 READS WHICH IS LIKE 5 AWAY FROM 1K READERS. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT. I couldn't be happier. :) you are all lovely and special to me so please please please if you are ever feeling down just send me a message and I will do whatever I can to make you feel up (happy). love you all, thank you for the endless support. and please make sure to read my new luke hemmings fan fiction, Silent. oh and a new ashton irwin fan fiction is coming soon BUT dont worry a michael clifford one is coming soon to, i'm not ignoring him, I'm just saving the best for last. ;) jk I love them all and I actually can't decide what kind of 5SOS girl I am because everyday it changes lol.

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