Saudade // c.h.

twenty-five

twenty-five

dedication: horanhoodplz because she left some lovely comments and really helped me out by giving me some ideas for this chapter.

 

 

I sat down on the cold wooden floor, leaning my back against my bedroom door with my knees pulled to my chest and my head cupped in my hands. It had been three days since Calum had left and I had tried calling him multiple times, but every call led to countless voicemails of my complete silence.

I didn’t know what I would say if Calum were to answer, I think it was just the idea of his presence that I wanted.

I heard a soft knock on the door and leaned forward, out of the way as the door began to slowly open, revealing Ashton at the door with a weak smile plastered on his face, “you okay?”

“It depends,” I breathed out, “do you want me to be?”

Ashton chuckled nervously and leaned down, sitting next to me with his legs spread out in front of him.

“Is he doing okay?” I asked Ashton, my lip trembling.

“I don’t know,” Ashton admitted, “I haven’t seen him lately, he just left all at once.”

“Are the boys still mad at you?” I asked.

“Luke needs some time, but Michael just doesn’t really care anymore-we talked things out, and now we’re all just really fixed up on Cal,” Ashton said.

 “Who is she-you know, that girl of yours,” I questioned, attempting to push the thought of Calum out of my head.

“Cassidy,” Ashton said smiling to himself, “she’s wonderful really, I think you’d like her.”

“Why did she end it with Luke?” I asked, running my hands through my hair.

Ashton shook his head and sighed, “I think you mean why did Luke end it with her and to that-I have no idea. She’s pretty, she’s nice, she’s smart-guess she just doesn’t live up to Luke’s expectations, and you know him-he’s not very good at settling down.”

I chuckled to myself ever so slightly and nodded, “yeah, I know.”

Ashton grinned weakly and stared down at his hands that were folded in his lap and sighed, resting his back against the wall.

“Don’t worry,” I said resting my hand on Ashton’s shoulder, “Luke will come around. He just needs some time-you know him.”

“Yeah,” Ashton sighed, “and Cal will too, don’t get to worked up over this. It’s nothing to worry about-he did this kind of thing with Annette too-but he came back, he always does.”

But that was the thing. He always does these kinds of things-he leaves me and he just assumes that I will be alright. He thinks that I’m going to be alright, but I’m not and I know that he knows that. And I wish I could go back and stop him and I wish that I could just change everything and go back to the day that Annette died. So I could save her and she could still be with Calum and I would be okay and he would be okay and she would be okay and everybody would be okay. But I can’t and that pains me to think about. I want Calum. I love Calum. I just don’t know if I can handle Calum.

“I’m going to look for him,” Ashton said standing up onto his feet, “I’ll keep you updated if you like.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “you do that.”

“Hey,” Ashton said looking down at me and flashing me a weak smile, “it’ll be okay.”

I pressed my lips into a thin line and stood up walking towards the window as Ashton left, closing the door behind him.

The thing I liked about my room was that I could see everything from here because of the massive height of the apartment complex. I could see the tiny bus stop and the coffee shop miles from us. I could see the little park, I could see the restaurant, I could see the edge of the city where the land met the water, but all I could really see was moments I shared with Calum.

Endless amounts of moments that burned in the back of my mind, forming into paining memories. I wanted Calum back and I wanted him to be with me so everything would be better. I wanted to add onto our unforgettable moments and be happy with him. I didnt want us to be another forgotten moment. I wanted us to be real. I wanted us to live on, and grow old, regretting any moment that we didn't think to share with eachother because that's how its supposed to be. 

+

I think the idea of missing Calum is what most people would expect from me, which is completely and utterly right. I do miss Calum more than anything and I’m angry at him for leaving me, even if he only did it for me.

I guess he got this wild idea that by leaving me; he’ll save me from hurt. But the truth is he just pushed me closer towards it, leaving me to hold myself up because right now I was the only thing keeping myself from falling back into my own state of insanity and sadness, which was once, was my home after Annette died.

Calum was my savior, he held onto me and pulled me back up into the world, but he was gone now and there was nothing I could do to bring him back. Before my dad died, he always told me one thing.

“Our life is full of moments that destroy us and keep us sane, hold onto them.”

Calum was my moment; he destroyed and kept me sane at the same time. He helped me up and left me, to protect me. And I loved him and all the unforgettable moments we shared.

And I would hold onto him forever.

+

I want cal and fay to be together and for everything to better. ugh, im sad now. Sorry for my lack of updating.