Saudade // c.h.

twenty-nine

twenty-nine

      May 2nd was the day of Calum's funeral. I stared blankly at the door entering inside and breathed out softly, as I slowly pushed open the door and walked inside. A rush of cold breeze hit me fast and I quickly shook it off as I continued to walk farther inside, making my way around the large crowds of people. Calum had a lot of family and a lot of friends that he never mentioned before, but the fact that they existed was now clear judging by the overflowed amount of people inside and outside the small building.

I stared around at either corner of the area I was located in just to see it full of tall beautiful flowers and plants. Attempting to keep calm, I slowly attempted to make my way into the church room, where the ceremony would take place, but was interrupted by Luke.

"Fay," he smiled weakly. His eyes were puffy and red and he was dressed in a black dress shirt and shoes and a black pair of skinny jeans. "skinny jeans?" I grinned.

"Calum used to always borrow them from me, he said they fit well." Luke shrugged as he quickly ran his fingers under the corner of his eyes, trying to hide the evidence that tears were once there.

"I bet he did," I nodded. 

"You should-um, go visit his casket," Luke said, "its only going to be open for about a half hour."

I nodded, "you coming?"

"Already went," Luke informed me as he turned on the heel of his foot, walking away with his hands stuck in his pockets, leaving me to go alone.

I pressed open the door leading into the room and felt everything inside me tear apart as I laid my eyes on the casket. I hadn't seen him yet, but the idea of me seeing him made me want to collapse to my knees in desperation to get him back to me.

I inhaled and exhaled slowly as I made my way up towards the casket, moving past a group of Calum's family members who were huddled in a group sharing their condolences to Joy and sharing the wonderful experiences they shared with Calum.

And then I saw him, Calum. I stepped closer towards the casket so my body was pressed up against it. He laid in there dressed neatly in dressy black shirt with a red tie hanging out of the top of it. It took everything inside me not to fall apart as I stared into his shut eyes. I would never get to see the way his eyes brightened up when I said I love you, or the way a small smile would form in the corner of his mouth when I said his name. I felt as tears dropped down from my cheeks and didn't bother to whipe them, it wasn't like they would ever end. I tried to convince myself that any moment his eyes would open up and that he was just sleeping and that tonight he would be back, by my side in my bed, with me again. But he wouldn't.

I leaned over the casket and softly dropped my hand over his, picking it up and softly squeezing them, desperatley waiting for him to do it back. His hands were cold. I pressed my eyes shut and desperatley tried to picture the way our hands perfectly fit together and the way they would always feel so warm against me.

I knelt down and leaned into his ear and softly whispered, "Goodbye Cal." and dropped his hand back by his side broke down to my knees, bursting into a fit of tears. Everyone was staring at me, but I didnt care because I was the girl with dead boyfriend who everyone was talking about. I was the girl who hopelessly fell in a love, desperate for a chance to forget. I was the girl who got left behind.

I felt a soft hand lay on my back and looked up to see Michael as he helped me up from my knees and led me towards the seating areas. "sit with us," he said inferring to the rest of the boys and Joy and Mali-Koa. I nodded and followed him, taking a seat next to Calum's sister as she laid her hand over my smile and sent me a reassuring smile, "it'll be okay."

+

We were half way through the ceremony when Joy granted permission for the boys to go up and say their speeches. I watched as Ashton, Michael, and Luke stood and walked slowly towards the podium, quickly clearing their voices before speaking.

"Calum wasn't only my best friend," Michael started, "he was literally like the brother I never had and now I don't have him-which kills me to say. He had all the qualities you would look for in a friend-he was nice, he had a good sense of humor,  he understood me, and he was pretty good at fifa which was a plus, I guess. And if I could just go back and change his mind about doing what he did-I honestly wouldn't. Not because I don't miss him because god I do, but because I know hes up there right now, having the time of his life, kicking a ball around with his old man, just enjoying what he has and I know that what he has up there is just as good as what he had down here and although I can't figure out why he would do what he did-I can't blame him. He lost a lot of good people in his life, but he's with them now and I guess that's all that's really important." Michael paused to whip the corner of his eyes quickly before continuing, "so Cal,  buddy, if your up there-watching down on us, have fun mate- and please never forget us because I promise I will never forget you and when the time comes, we can play fifa together again."

Michael stepped off the podium as soft claps echoes throughout the church room and it was time for Luke to speak. Luke pressed his lips in a thin line and sniffed quickly before starting, "when I was younger, I used to think Calum was to cool for me. Only later on did I realize that he was a complete idiot and I guess that's why I was friends him-because let's face it, I'm an idiot too and nobody would want to be friends with a guy like me. but Calum did and he was the reason that I kept moving on every day. I still remember there was this one day, Calum and I were watching a sad movie about a girl with cancer and at the end when she died he came up to me and said, 'if there is ever a time when my funeral comes-promise me that you'll keep going on without me," and I promised and I have to keep my promise-so I have to keep on moving and I have to ask that everyone else does too because right now that's all we can really do." Another series of claps came as Ashton stepped up onto the podium and began to speak,

"I could talk about how much how I miss Calum right now, or about the times we spent together-but I know if I do I will just have to keep going on and on because there were so many memories. So instead I'm going to talk about all the things Calum sucked at-for starters he was quite awful at the drums, and he wasn't the best at drawing or painting either. But I guess that's what I loved about him-he was so real, his flaws were what made him real. And when I was younger I used to feel like everything was fake-like nobody cared and that money and being perfect was all that our lives depended on but Calum helped me realize that there are differences in people worth seeing and that it is never a bad decision to give someone a chance. There are no bad decisions-there are just mistakes. Meeting Calum was defiantly not a mistake." Ashton stepped of the podium and walked past Michael and Luke, being the first to sit back down as Joy slightly nudged me as she whipped her eyes with a handkerchief.

I took a deep breath and pressed the pebble necklace against my chest with the palm of my hands as I nervously made my way towards the podium, clearing my throat and whipping my eyes before I began. "Before Calum, I was destructed. I never spoke to anyone, I always shut people out, I hid myself away in my room, and I would always scream and cry and when people reached out, I would turn away. But one day I left my room and I think that was the best decision I ever made because that was how I met Calum. We were on a bus and I was having a panic attack and nobody else helped me but him because he understood and I guess thats what attracted me to him most. His understanding." I was crying now, but I kept talking, "Calum was never the kind of person I saw to give up and everyday I try to convince myself that he's still here and that one day he's going to knock on my door and laugh and say 'i'm still here!' but I know he's not. And I hope that there is someone up there better then me, stronger then me, who can love him better then me. Because that's all he really deserves. To be loved. Calum was someone who I could trust, someone who saw the sides of me that I never knew existed and I hope that the sun shines and that it's a beautiful day, and that one day he'll look back and wish he stayed and I hope he still remembers me, when the time is right and whispers I love you back, when I say it in the night. He was my star and my angel and my moon and I'll never forget him because he was mine and I was his and what we had, could never be replaced. And I wish I could ask how he was doing and relive our moments, because I love him and I'll always be grateful for being able to have him. I love you Calum."

+

i cry.