[1/3] NEVER LEAVE ME│s.m

five

I slept the rest of that day, waking up at half past five. It wasn't my intention to be awake before the sun peeked out, but I found it perfect.

I slipped out of Simon's grip and grabbed my jacket before heading out onto the front porch.

Sitting on the steps that led to the sidewalk, I slid my hand into the pocket that was hidden in the side of my coat. My fingers delicately pulled out a rectangular box, opening the top flaps and swiping a cigarette. It was an old habit I tried to stop. Today was the first day I had caved in since three weeks ago.

Next I pulled out a lighter and played with it for a bit. I traced my pointer around the flame, sliding it in and out as well.

Eventually I lit the cylinder filled with tobacco ablaze. Pressing the proper end to my lips, I take a deep inhale.

I exhale the smoke, and longingly watch it float toward the brightening sky.

The front door opened, but I didn't care. I took another inhale, exhaling slowly this time.

"Sage," I hear Josh sigh, sitting beside me.

I don't pay him any attention with my eyes, but intently listen to everything he mutters.

"Simon wouldn't be happy about this," he adds.

"Don't guilt trip me, Joshua," I snap, not turning my head to face him.

"Somebody has to," he shrugs, standing. He walks back into the house, allowing me a few more huffs before someone else joins me.

But it was a much more aggressive approach.

"Simon!" I shout as he steals the cigarette from between my lips, carrying it to the cement before stamping out the blaze.

His eyes jerk up to meet mine, and I cower back, intimidated by his angry expression.

"You promised me you would stop," he growls.

"I did. But you need to understand that I can't control my urges!" I defend. I am now standing, my confidence growing.

"I do understand, but what I don't understand is how you can jump back into something that you ended weeks ago!" he shouts back.

"Let me paint a picture for you," I calmly reply. He nods, crossing his arms, beckoning me to carry on with head gestures. "Imagine having the worst possible itch that's in a spot where you can't reach. You need help to scratch the annoyance, don't you?"

Simon's eyebrows fall, his arms slowly moving back to their set position by his sides.

"My habit is that itch. And the only thing that can help scratch it is by smoking," I conclude.

"But-"

"Keep in mind, the longer you hold yourself back from scratching the spot, the stronger your urge to conquer the itch gets."

He's silent. His words were swallowed, and he stepped closer to me.

"I'm sorry, Sage," was all he could utter. He straightens his posture, stepping towards me until we're mere centimeters from each other. "I need your pack... and your lighter."

He sticks out his hand, waiting for me to give them up.

"You don't own me," I snarl, marching into the house and hiding in their laundry room.

••••

Nobody bothered searching for me as they all knew I'd come out when I pleased.

The front door was opened and shut numerous times, I also heard Simon pacing and speaking his thoughts softly on the opposite side of the door. But he never actually broke the barrier, or tried to speak through it.

I was upset, and didn't want to face anyone until I felt like I was safe. I hated how much of a coward I was. Why couldn't I just show my face?

Something hit the door, a sound of fabric sliding down to my level followed. It all stopped, a soft sigh added.

"Sage."

"Simon," I reply back without hesitation. I felt him relax slightly, then his brain scramble to find something to say in return.

"You need to eat."

"I'm aware."

"Please come out."

I contemplated the request, and sought out the pros and cons. All I found was that I really needed a hug.

Slowly prying the door open, Simon is quick to stand on his feet. He opens his arms, my body crashing into them.

"I'm sorry, I know that all you need right now is for me to understand your position," he whispers into my ear. I nod into his shoulder, tightening my grip. "But I need you to understand me as well."

I glance up at him with a confused look.

"What do you want me to understand, Si?"

"All I want is for you to be healthy, safe, loved, and happy. That's why I do the things I do. I don't want to take away something that numbs your pain, I want to be the one who numbs it."

I let his words soak in- I let them settle in the crack of the two halves of my heart and substitute it as a healing substance. More powerful than a bandaid, more sticky than glue.

My best friend would help me heal. He would show me what love really is, at least in a friendly way. Even though I secretly prayed for more.