Out of Touch

Internal Confession

I watched Matt yet again sit with Stella and Vinh and Faith over Andy and me. I think he was distancing himself but the reason was unclear to me. He seemed so open to me, but he snapped right shut. Like a book. Or like the little bitch he was on the inside. I sat down with Andy and opened my computer. He had shown me the night before a story he was working on. He said it was a fantasy version of his truth of the world. He told me who my character was, a quiet nerdy pixie with much insight. He said in order to learn the rest, I'd have to wait until he put out more. 

I was typing up possible plot lines. I really liked fantasy though I'd never dabbled in it too much. Fantasy was difficult to keep straight and my only fantasy book rushed into the plot without my readers understanding what kind of a world it was. So I stayed away from it. Plot was something I was good at, world building, not so much. Andy was the complete opposite of me. He sucked at writing plot lines though he knew what great twist he wanted and he could world build like he knew this place existed in space somewhere but only he knew and only he could exploit its wonders. 

"I've got some excellent plot lines for you, some real interesting adventures and a few side missions," I poked his arm.

"Good, I found some great world building documents so I don't lose everything to forgetting to save. I'm going to go print them out."

Andy stood up then, walking away. I felt something pull inside of me. I didn't want him to move away.

I wanted to touch him. That's all there was to it. I was sitting next to him and I wanted to touch him.

I sat up as straight as possible, setting my hands in my lap. What the hell is wrong with me? I need to control myself. I knew he didn't like being touched. I wanted to do it so badly. I never liked touching people, really. When I was younger, I thrived on touch. My mom gave me all sorts of affection. Now that I'm older, everyone holds me at a distance. Maybe that's why I'm craving it? But why Andy?

I don't know why Andy. For some reason...I just wanted to touch him. I wanted to feel his warmth. I wanted to know what his skin felt like against mine. How his body frame fit into mine. I wanted to-

What the fuck am I thinking?

I push that thought out of my head immediately. He's my best friend. I can't have him. That's impossible. He would never even think of liking me after all we've been through. I couldn't do that to him. I'm horrible.

What if what happened to me and Trevor happened to Andy and me. I couldn't go through something like that. Not again.

"Look at these things," Andy sat back down. "This page shows how to calculate the mass of the imaginary sun so you know what plant species and how humanoids would have to adapt in order to survive on the planet."

"Isn't that a little excessive? You know what all your characters look like." My heart was thundering fast in my chest. This was torture. 

"I know but maybe for extra characters or other worlds. I think that would be interesting. It would require less development on my part. Alaina are you okay? Your cheeks are red."

"I'm fine," I look away. My face was on fire. "I just remembered I had history homework and I left my book in my locker. I'll be right back."

I got up, rushing myself out of the library and down the hall. I wasn't lying, I did forget my history textbook and I had just remembered but that wasn't the reason I blushed hard core. I was nervous. I freaked myself out. I couldn't do this, not again.

I decided I'd talk to Matt. That was the only solution I could think about.