Out of Touch

Maybe Not

"I don't feel like going to the library," Andy walked away after I got outside my class. I jogged to catch up to him. "I'm going to go sit in one of the modules and compose, okay?"

"I mean, okay," I nodded. 

"Do you want to join me?" he looked sad. 

"I guess," I shrugged. 

I could get in major trouble for this. I had signed out to the library, if they found out, I'd be dead. We snuck in through the orchestra where the three star players in my grade were sitting in the dark, talking. Alicia was so kind but Destiny and Tim hated each other. Destiny loved gossip and Tim loved being difficult. I wondered why she hung out with them. The orchestra room was supposed to be off bounds at this time but the band room wasn't. I guess that's why they were sitting in the dark. Andy waved to them, walking into the module. I followed quickly behind.

Andy sat down on the piano seat. I sat down on the floor beneath the window. He focused on the piano for thirty minutes, belting out song after song, experimenting and changing, writing and playing. I wished he would talk to me. I wanted the Andy I had a weeks ago, the one that kissed me in the cold. I wanted him to pay attention to me. He'd been quiet, cut off the past few days. I was growing tired of it. My panic turned to depression. I guess my love story wasn't as bright as I hoped it would be. 

I considered how important Andy was to me. He was the first boy to ever show interest in return to me. This was stupid. He was worried over something, clearly. I couldn't just leave him either, I really did love him. A new panic settled in me, one where I would lose him. I sure hoped to God not. 

He started pounding into the piano that song he sang me the day I first cried to him. It had so much emotion, so much feeling. This time, he played three verses. He had written a new one. I was scared that maybe he'd let me hear it. I didn't want to know the dark thoughts in his head.

"You know," I stood up. "I think I'm going to go down to the library."

"Okay," he stared at the piano.

"I love you," I walked over, kissing the top of his head.

"Me too," he didn't move.

I walked down to the library. Me too? Did he really say that? Did he love himself? Is that what he meant? I stopped in the hallway where we had run into each other so long ago. The spark that started this all. 

In high school movies, the protagonist always runs to that one place in the school and hides. Their friend then always goes in after them and things are magically better. The only friend I had at this point was Matt and he was too tied up in his crush on Stella to come find me. I doubt he even noticed I was missing. I also had no where to run. Everywhere I could think to hide was locked. My school locked everything to make sure kids weren't running around, doing drugs. Otherwise, there were the music modules but that's exactly what I was running away from. 

I went with determination to the library. I offered to put books away for Mrs. Rudolph, hiding in the aisles of the nonfiction section. They had mirrors so they could see couples making out back there but I knew where the blind spots were from sitting at the checkout counter.

Everything was going to be okay, I told myself. We'll talk to Andy, it will be okay.

I had to lie to myself, for my own sanity.