Out of Touch

Crystal Clear

It was cold outside when I left school. Cold is tolerable when the wind doesn't blow but it was today. It was the mix of wind and that steals the breath from your lungs and chills you to the core,  regardless of how many layers you're wearing. The wind blows leaves across my path. It's supposed to snow tonight. The emptiness of the air tells me it's possible.

I stand outside my brother's car. It's too damn cold for this. He's not even out of the building yet. I look to see Matt's car parked a few down from my brother's. I get an idea.

Part of me wants to hesitate. I tell myself it's cold outside, what the hell.

I set my binder and backpack on the hood of my brother's car. My laptop bag I set down against his front tire. 

I walk over to Matt's car. I crawl up onto the hood of it, laying down across the windshield and the hood. I pose myself and wait.

"What the fuck are you doing on my car?" Matt appears, twirling his keys around his finger.

"Hey there, hot stuff," I wink. "Nothing really, just waiting for you."

"Get the fuck off my car."

"Mmm, okay," I slide off. "Only because you asked nicely."

Matt unlocks his car and waits.

"Where's the little kiddles?" I ask.

"Coming, I hope," Matt shrugs. "My brother just got a girlfriend."

"Good for him. He's moving up in the world." I nod.

"You like Andy, don't you?"

I feel myself flush red. "What? I don't know what you're talking about." My face felt very warm. I was caught.

"I knew it," Matt sat down in his car.

"Hey, no," I opened the passenger's side door. "Excuse me, I may like him but I'm not going to do anything about it. I doubt that he likes me back, or even could."

"I think you should do it," Matt shrugged. "What do you have to lose?"

"I never win in the game of love," I sighed. 

"Who knows? Maybe you'll luck out this time. Besides, doesn't it seem like it would be perfect?"

I thought about it. Andy deserved all the happiness in the world. He was very close to me lately. We were always texting, sometimes video calling, partnering up in class, walking the halls together. We had become the perfect set of partners in crime. 

"Shut up," I huffed.

"It's just a suggestion," Matt shrugged. "I think I'm going to go on an adventure of my own."

I nodded. "I thought you already were."

"What?" he looked at me.

"You're always with Vinh and Stella and Faith. I'm glad you don't hate me, I'm glad we talk but is there something going on?"

"No," he ran a hand through the hair on top of his head. "I have been trying something different. Adventuring a little."

"I thought a new friend would be different. I hate not hearing from you anymore."

I hated speaking my mind like this. I don't know where it came from. Something in me just needed to talk. Maybe I was tired of a pure Andy world where I loved and wasn't loved in return. Maybe Matt was just disconnecting.

"Maybe if I didn't work so much. I'll work on it," he hesitated.

"I'll talk to you later then," I smiled.

His eyes were fixated elsewhere. I followed his gaze as his eyes bore into Stella and Hope walking to Stella's car. He was hiding something. I looked at his face. Soft, vulnerable. This was a side of Matt I never got to see. Things he hid beneath a solid surface.

I smiled to myself, walking over to my brother's car. On the ride home I stared outside the window at the frozen surface of the world. Maybe it was time for some change in my life. Maybe I should try. What did I have to lose? If it didn't work, I'd do what I did before, move on to another group of friends. Maybe I could find myself a place with Matt, Vinh, Faith, and Stella. 

So I texted Andy. Then I texted Matt. 

I got a different notification in return. One from someone I didn't know on my writing app. The message simply said "hi" from a user named NobodyInParticular. I blocked the user. I didn't message strangers on the internet. Not anymore. 

I turned towards the fridge to get my ice cream out. I was a killer for Häagen-Dazs strawberry flavor, even in the cold of winter. Another notification. "Please don't ignore me, it's Zack" from another user, nobodyimportant_7. I didn't respond. Ice started to creep into my chest as I went numb. Not again, not again, not again.

Matt was headed into work soon. Andy had to work later. I needed someone. No responses other than "can we please talk?" from nobodyimportant_7. 

I ran for so long. I could run for a little while longer. I opened my settings, turning off notifications to the app altogether. No more vibrations. No more popping icon. No notifications. I was going to continue to run. I'd run for the rest of my life if I had to. 

I decided not to talk about anything important with Andy. Not tonight. I did have something to lose. 

My sanity.