Out of Touch

Movement Seven: Affrettando

I walk into band the next morning. I don't pick up my instrument like I normally do. I sit down quietly in my chair. Life hurts too much for me to do much of anything. I stare at the music on my stand, out of focus. Last night with Alina was nice, it felt comfortable. Then my father yelled at me for having friends over while I was "sick". Things are just dragging on again.

"Hey there, gorgeous," Jacob sits down next to me.

"Hey," I answer, not quite here or there.

"Are you okay?" Jacob sets a hand on my leg. I look down at it. I don't feel anything but I can feel his heat searing into me. 

"I don't think so," I answer.

"Well, make it through today, I'll chat with you after school. Want to come relax at my place before marching band tonight?"

I nodded slowly. Anything to avoid my father at this point. He was still angry, sighing every time I entered the room, shaking his head every time I spoke. I didn't want to see his face again.

"I'll meet you back down here after school, okay?" Jacob smiled at me.

I nodded in return. Jacob ran his hand slowly down my leg as he got up and left. What was that about?

I made it through my day as easily as one walks through the Sahara without water. I was unfocused as all hell. I couldn't keep up my own smile much less make anyone crack a grin. I stayed quiet through most of my day. I kept playing over what happened in the band room this morning with Jacob. I didn't hate the way he touched me. Part of me kind of liked Jacob. Was I always flirting with him for no reason?

Alina and Matt didn't say much to me. The two of them had a fantastic conversation without me as I drowned in my own mind.

How could I like men after him?

I quickly pushed that thought from my mind. We were done with that. That didn't exist anymore. It was years ago. It was over. The scars, the nightmares, and the pain might have still been present but I wasn't going to focus on it. The haunting needed to stop. 

Jacob met with me in the band room. I sent a quick text to my mom, telling her I was staying after school to practice music. Jacob's house was only a ten-minute drive away. It was very close to my old farmhouse. I tried not to think about it but nostalgia swirled in my head. I missed the old house, the cows I used to sing to, the grandfather clock I used to hide in, the sheep, the pigs, and the puppies. Granted Delilah was still around but I missed my old life. At least parts of it. I was such a lonely kid but I didn't feel it. I had hopes, dreams, wild stories running through my head, and the animals to love.

Jacob took me up to his room for privacy. He sat me on his bed. He offered me something to eat but in my confused, saddened state, I declined. Which was honestly a surprise to both him and me. Food was my pleasure. 

Jacob sat next to me when I declined his offer. "What exactly going on with you? You're starting to worry me."

I hesitated for a moment. I spun him a tale of rejection from a girl I thought I loved, the arguing with my father, my father's total rejection of me, my friend's ignorance of me today, drowning in my thoughts, and the fear that I could possibly be gay, as if my family could hate me any more than they already do.

"I don't know what I want anymore..." I sighed staring at my hands. I wanted to cry again.

"Andy," Jacob says. "Look at me."

I sighed, looking him in the eyes. He pulled me in, kissing me. I don't know what to do. I want to push him away. Part of me wants to pull him closer. I relax, closing my eyes.

It used to start just like this-

His hand moves up my shirt.

-and he would take off my shirt-

Jacob lets me lay down underneath him.

-he would rip off my pants-

I didn't know what to do. I let Jacob take control of me. I didn't hate it. I don't hate this.

-he would force me to the ground-

Jacob's hands were wondering. I wanted to grab his wrists and make him stop. I can't fight him.

-I would cry...I was always crying-

I tried to pull myself away but Jacob, regardless of how thin he was and how strong I was, wouldn't budge.

-I would escape to that place inside my head where I couldn't feel...but somehow the pain would sneak in-

Jacob pulled away. I didn't say anything. I kept my eyes closed. I was scared. Things were returning that I tried so hard to forget...so fucking hard to forget.

"I think you might be gay," Jacob poked right above my belt.

"I'm not sure," I said quietly.

"There are parts of you-you can't deny," Jacob ran his hand through my hair. I flinched. "What do you really want, Andy?"

What did I want? Something that made a relationship. Something that made me chase people like I would collapse without them while I caved them in like an unbalanced house of cards. I wanted to be loved. To hear it, to feel it. To know no matter what, someone loved me. Could I accept this from Jacob?

"I don't know," my hands clenched.

"You should start figuring things out," Jacob kissed my lips lightly. "I could really love you, you know."

I didn't move. I wasn't sure. I was confused. He was messing with my head, wasn't he? But he was here for me, more than Alina and Matt were right now. I needed him too. Maybe? I needed love, I wanted love. 

I didn't hate what he did to me. My body reacted like it should. I was always flirting with him. Maybe I liked Jacob. He had been a solid friend for a year. I knew plenty about his drinking problem. I think I will let him try things. I could try to figure things out.

He spent the rest of the afternoon talking with me and we kissed a bit more. I didn't let him touch me otherwise. I was a bit scared. Going to practice afterward felt awkward. No one knew what we did, no one could probably even tell. I felt like my face might have been screaming it to everyone, I kissed Jacob Marvin! I was uncomfortable. I poured all my thought into my marching, my facings, and my music. 

"That was a really good practice," Alex, one of the sousaphone players said to me. "Hipple was surprised but he is too angry with you to say anything to your face, like normal."

"Thanks," I smiled. 

Maybe my life could get better. For now, my life was my secret. I could pretend to be happy again until things turned around.