Out of Touch

Movement Thirteen: Sempre

"Andy, we need to talk," Alaina followed me down to my basement. 

We had been going out for three months now. She had come from work, still wearing her work uniform. She had asked to come over, I didn't expect this. It was now early March and my mind kept wondering away. 

"What's up?" I asked, closing my laptop.

"You're not really dating me," she crossed her arms. "You've been so wrapped up in your music, you barely even talk to  me. Are we okay?"

"We're fine," I sighed. "Maybe we shouldn't be together."

She froze. 

"I've been thinking a lot of things over. And you haven't been talking to me either. You stopped messaging me."

"I didn't want to say anything stupid. I gave up after not hearing from you for two weeks."

"Something stupid? Why? You know you can tell me anything."

"I'm scared, okay? Down to my core, all I am is fear. I'm scared of hurting you, I'm scared to open up to you, and I'm...I'm really scared to lose you," her voice trailed off. 

"I'll always be here for you," I looked over at her.

She nodded, staying quiet.

"Alina, look." I grab her hand. Her eyes meet mine again. "I trust you, okay? There's not many people in this world I trust, you're one of two. I don't plan on letting you go."

"You mean it?" She was extremely vulnerable at this moment. I don't think I've ever had a person so broken in my hands. But here I was, I was the window maker. All this shattered glass was around me and it was my job to turn into the colorful window for all to see.

"Yes, I mean it," I sighed. "Which is why I have to explain everything to you. Before you, I went out with Jacob. He and I, well, we had a thing going on. We both were assaulted by men when we were eight, Alaina. That's when this all started. I've gone back and forth between boys and girls but I honestly think I'm gay."

Alaina started to cry. "So it doesn't have anything to do with me?"

"No," I sighed. "And I feel like the world's shittiest person for doing this. I couldn't go on living a lie anymore. It was really sweet for the first month but then I started to think. I have been writing my music to avoid thinking in any way about what I'd have to say to you. It's all me, I promise. You should be proud of yourself, you charmed a gay man into loving you for a few months. You have a great personality. You're completely lovable and any man would be lucky to have you. But I can't be with you anymore."

"Okay," she muttered.

God, I was the world's largest asshole. I really didn't want to hurt her either but maybe it was best to keep her from future harm. I wanted to make her stronger, turn her into the most beautiful stained glass window for all to see. 

"I'm really sorry," I said.

"I should have known," she whispered. "I saw you and Jacob together before, back when you started detaching yourself from all of us. Yet, I ignored it for my own feelings. And we started with 'I love you' and that's not the most stable start. We should have taken things slow but I wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry."

"It's really not your fault, I dragged you through a whirlwind romance and you didn't have the experience to stay away from that. You'll find someone else. I'm not the only man capable of loving you. And I really do love you. Can we stay friends at least?"

"Can you stay open with me from now on? About everything?" She looked dead at me.

"I will," I nodded. "I don't want to ever do something like this again."

I had broken her heart but I had hoped to repair it too. I wish I had only tried harder to do so. It's terrible to not consider someone you love dearly.