Out of Touch

Movement Six: Crescendo

Luna picked me up from my house for our first date. It had been a month, our schedules never seeming to meet up. I was excited. My heart beat so fast, out of tempo for the rhythm in my head. We'd only be going out to eat but still, I was excited beyond belief. 

I toyed with the buttons on my favorite black and white flannel. I didn't know what to say. We'd been friends for awhile. There was nothing that had exhausted our conversation. This overall just felt different. If she'd agree after this, we'd be officially dating. 

I was so nervous. I tried to calm myself. I tap my pocket for my wallet. It's only right that I pay, I am the man. 

I made small talk with her on the ride there. I ordered a small pizza and onion rings for the two of us. I sat with my back towards the door in a booth facing her. Man, she was gorgeous. I watched her eyes as she talked. I wasn't hearing much of what was said but I couldn't stop staring. Had I lucked out?

"Andy," Luna drew me out of my trance.

"Hm?" I sprung alive. 

"Get off the table," Luna commanded. 

I leaned back. Right. How rude of me. And just a few days ago, I was thinking it was rude of Alina. Was it because I was out of it or because Alina is in love too? 

Food was set down in front of us. I took a sip of my Mt. Dew as I looked at it all. The pizza looked amazing, I wanted to eat all of it. Well...maybe if I wasn't lactose intolerant. I let my Luna select her slice first. I then helped myself carefully to one. Was she watching me? I had eaten in front of my Luna several times at marching band dinners but this was different. She was watching my every move for potential. I was terrified. 

My phone vibrated in my pocket. A message. The clock on the wall told me it was probably Alina. She kept popping up. I pushed her out of my head. This was time for me and my Luna.

"This taste good. I think this was a good choice for a date," I smiled.

"You've got something in your teeth," Luna narrowed her eyes at me.

My smile fell. She was paying sharp attention. My heart beat faster. I was terrified. Was I failing? 

The rest of a date was a blur. I was driven back home with the leftovers. I was a mess. I had failed in every way possible. I was an embarrassment. 

Me: I think everything is spiraling apart.
Alina: What's going on?

My Luna walked me to the door. She gave me a simple hug. Part of me wanted to remove myself from this hug. I wanted to rest my hand on her cheek and pull her in close for a kiss. But...I didn't. I couldn't. We weren't really together. I had no idea if we were ever going to get together. She wasn't ready for this. I knew Luna's rules. No affection outside of hugs and hand holding. I learned that when we had discussed relationships a few months ago. I want to. I can't.

"Thanks for the date," I whisper in her ear. Mmm, that smell of rain.

"No, thank you," Luna stepped back, leaving me craving her embrace. "I'll talk to you later."

Alina: Andy, please. What's going on?
Me: I totally bombed my date.

I walk inside my house. My dog goes nuts, barking at my legs. I walk straight by her, flopping down on the couch. I feel miserable. I close my eyes for a moment. I can hear my siblings fighting in the living room. I feel myself go tense. My dog pushes her nose into my hand. I scratch her head a bit.

"Michael," my father walks into the room. "Where were you this afternoon?"

"I was out on a date, I talked to mom," I answer quickly.

"Didn't you agree to help me out with the yard today?"

"Maybe?"

"You did. And you're grounded."

"What sense does that make? You still had others to help you."

"You were supposed to help me. Your phone."

"No," I sat up.

"Michael."

"I got permission from mom, I didn't even remember saying I would help you."

I could feel anger rising within me. 

"But you did."

...that's not anger.

I ran to the bathroom. I'm spiraling out of control. Anger comes out of me in the grossest form. I sat on the floor, tears streaming from my eyes. 

Luna: I don't think it's going to work out.

Alina: Are you okay?
Alina: Andy?  
Alina: Andy, what's going on? I know where you live, I will drive straight over there. Okay, not me but my brother. I will come to you. Please.

I don't know what to say. Do I fess up? Do I beg? Do I go downstairs and cry myself to sleep in self-pity? 

Me: Alina, I don't know what to do anymore
Me: I'm losing control

I hear someone moving outside the bathroom door. I reach over and lock it. No one in this house would come to comfort me. My breaths shake. I lay down on the floor. When did everything decide to become so tragic? 

My phone starts buzzing with a phone call. It's Alina. I set my phone down. I'm tired. I'm so tired. My tears will put me to sleep with the same chill that everyone else in my life treats me with.