Patience ➳ Shawn Mendes

Chapter 12

CPOV

Two months flew by. *sarcasm dripping off*

No, it crawled by at a snailspace. I felt like I would be pulling my hair out at any moment. That was mostly in the beginning, as time went by I grew more comfortable with my enviroment and the fact I wasn't around Dad all the time, I didn't feel like pulling my hair. 

I kept my promise and called Mom and Dad every day. I kept in contact with my siblings through text mostly but I also Skyped with them. I also called Shawn at least twice a week and he never asked about where I was or why I was there. Clarissa confessed to unintentionally admitting where I was but I didn't mind it because it explained why he hadn't asked.   

Ollie had told Mom and Dad to let Shawn pick me up because he hadn't seen me in two months while my parents visited me at least twice a week. Apparently Shawn had been dying to see me again, he had not been the same without me around. Even Ian had called to tell me that there was something off with Shawn. 

The moment I told him last week I could come home, he immediately started asking if he could pick me up or not. 

I thought that when he asked me out, it was just something he asked because he just liked me or was starting to like me but now I was questioning whether or not his feelings for me were as strong as mine were for him. 

At first, even before I came to the facility, I denied it with all that I had. I was not in love with Shawn Mendes. When they tell you that you will know how much people mean to you when they're away from you, it's actually true. 

In the beginning, it wasn't only being away from my parents that was difficult, it was also staying away from Shawn. Everything in me was begging to be near him again, I even went as far as turning the picture of us together towards me so I could watch it every day- it would be the last thing I saw in the evening and the first thing in the morning. 

During one of my many talks with the facilities doctor, she pointed out that my feelings for Shawn sounded a lot like love. She encouraged me to keep him close and let our relationship progress on it's own pace. As long as I was comfortable with it. 

At first I started denying it again, stating that I was not ready for love so surely my mind and feelings wouldn't betray me but when she made me talk about him for a full minute I had slipped out that I don't only like him for that, I just love him as a person.

That right there was what woke me up. I had to stop denying my feelings, not only for Shawn but just in general. For the longest time I had shut all feelings out and it had to stop because I already did that once and that didn't end well- I should've known from past experiences that it wasn't healthy. 

A couple of years ago, I started hitting puberty and like all adolosents with that age, I started questioning who I was but I had to add on a couple of other things to the pile to figure out who I was, I will not say what yet but you'll know soon. When other people were already aware of who they were, I was still searching and I was nowhere near to finding who I was. I got into a conflict with myself and I wanted to defend myself during the most vulnerable time in my life so I blocked out all feelings and didn't let them in for the longest time I could handle which was 4 months and three weeks before it broke me, literally. I ended up in the hospital last summer for two reasons, one being my feelings bursting through.  

It is quite simple, your brain has this defence mechanism that allows you to block out feelings for a certain amount of time. Normally it's not nearly five months but I managed. I call it a grand, big oaken port. It's hard to open but you'll manage after a while just like my feelings did. The thing is, the feelings you block don't go away, they stay and wait until they can get through. Some people already have a dificult time with more than one emotion at one moment, how do you think any person would react to experiencing nearly five months worth of feelings. 

Right, not too well. 

I wasn't in a coma but they gave me drugs and I still can't remember what happened during the two days that form my black out. It's very frustrating because my family says that I was awake but all that I did was stare right ahead and barely aknowledge their presence. I would see them and give them semi-verbal answers but they would not get a real word out of me. It was like that for two days and after that I have my memory again. 

The doctor said that the drug shouldn't have affected my memory so I should've known what happened but also said it could've been my brain trying to shut that part out, a lot of people do that. They shut bad or painful memories out and when it is brought up again, it could be remembered very differently than it actually happened or it could not be rememebered at all. 

A knock brought me out of my trip in memory lane. "Miss Peeters? Shawn is here to pick you up, are you ready to leave?" 

For the first time in a long while, a genuine smile formed on my lips. "Yes, I'm ready. Tell him I'll be out soon- I just need to do one more thing." 

"Okay." 

I stood up and looked around the room I called mine for two months much like I did to my own room at home two months ago. It was my way of saying goodbye. 

I had a good time here, I really feel like it helped me. I might not have fully recovered but I know now what to do. Perhaps I won't ever fully recover but I shoukdn't let it keep affecting my life like I have for the past couple of years. I am very grateful for the time I had here. 

But now it was time to go home. 

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Yet again, no pictures nor any translations. 

Tomorrow is my last midterm and after that it is Christmas break so there might be two updates a day if I have enough inspiration but lately it has for this story. 

BTW, his face in that GIF... ya'll know what I mean.