Patience ➳ Shawn Mendes

Chapter 19

I was avoiding Shawn and everyone knew it. I knew it, he knew it and everyone else that went to Pine Ridge knew as well. Correction, everyone that lived in Pickering knew that.

It's not that I wanted to avoid him, I just didn't know how to act around him. The kiss we shared was everything I ever dreamt of, it was magical and I'll always remember it but I'm not ready to commit myself to him yet. I don't want to seem like an undecissive person either, I don't want to say no now only to tell him yes later.

But I also know that if I don't say yes now, I will most likely miss my chance with him and have to watch him love another. How could I do that when I love him with all my heart and only see a future with him.

My biggest fear now is not being with Shawn himself, it's being with Shawn without him knowing my past and that's a problem for me.

For me to really be with Shawn, I want him to know my past, my story but I'm very insecure about it and I hate talking about it. It took two months for my doctor at the facility to get the whole stroy out of me.

They said it should be easier if I were to talk to someone I know and Shawn is a person I know very much but I don't see how it should get easier on me by telling him. It stays the same story and it stays hard for me.

My biggest fear of telling him is not that I'm afraid of him judging me but of him looking at me differently. I would not be able to handle it should he look at me in a bad light. In a dark light, one where his feelings for me change.

These fears came up after I went into my house yesterday morning, after kissing Shawn on the front porch.

I went straight to my room to avoid the inevitable questioning of my family. I was well aware that they had been looking through the curtains and had most likely seen us kissing.

"Charlotte?" My mother called as she walked into my room where I was unpacking my bag. "How was your trip."

I had beamed and looked at her with a broad smile. "Mom, it was amazing! The rides and everything, the shops... Oh, mom, the shops! They were beautiful and so realistically made, as if we were in the movie itself. Mother, you should truly come with me once upon a time because it is unbelievable."

"It sounds pretty great." She had agreed with me.

"It was magical." I had smirked at her.

"Yes, I saw just how magical it could be. You are still coping with your issues and yet you've given in to your feelings for Shawn. Have you told him?"

"Told him what?" I had been utterly confused about what Mom had been talking about. I didn't know I had to tell him something.

If she was talking about telling him I was in love with him, she would be disappointed because I wanted to become acquinted and comfortable with the feeling before telling Shawn.

I was certain of my feelings for him and since he had told his friends that he was sure I was his one, I didn't need to fear any rejection from him. He loved me as I loved him and one day he would know.

"Your past." She told me. "You do know that if you persue a relationship with him that he needs to know your past, right?"

The realisation had sunk in and I knew Mom was right. Since then, I was avoiding him.

He texted several times and called just as many but I never answered. I walked to school and didn't wait for him to pick me up. At school I always managed to sit beside someone else and avoid him in the hallway by doing the unthinkable.

When people I hardly knew started talking to me in the hallway, I started conversing with them and talked to them about where I had been.

Of course I hadn't told them about where exactly I had been but I did tell them that I went somewhere for my own interests that was a better place for me to get settled in a new country which was somewhat true.

The leave to the facility had given me oportunity to leave the past behind me and truly start this new chapter in a new country where I could settle down.

So in a way I didn't lie.

I even succeeded in avoiding him after school. We didn't share our last period together, only the one before that and the teacher of our last hour was sick so we could leave early.

I had taken the bus home and locked myself in my room. I was lucky because my friends in Belgium had a day off and I could contact them.

Though they were more experienced in the field of dating and boyfriends, they could not offer me any advise. They told me that I was a special case and that the advise they wanted to offer me was advise I would not follow. It was most likely true because I knew they would tell me to tell Shawn the truth and just let nature run it's cause.

Perhaps they were right and I should do it but where would I start. If I were to start in the beginning, I would be having a conversation of several hours. The conversation could take up a whole day, depending on how many questions he had and what answers I could provide him with.

After the Skype with my friends who were having a sleep over, I went to doing my homework with my headphones on and the music blasting. It was nearly as if I had turned the volume of the world down and the volume of the music up.

I could never be more wrong because halfway through one of Hilary Duff's songs, it stopped because someone had turned off my computer.

Looking up, I saw a frustrated Shawn next to me and an open door.

Had I not locked it?

I took my headphones off and looked at Shawn, scared of his expression because I had never seen it so dark.

"Shawn?" I asked shakily.

"We're going to talk. No more avoiding, ignoring, lying or anything of the sort. We're going to have an honest talk, yes?" He demanded.

Crap...

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No pictures whatsoever. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, let me know.