Pain: Her (Harry Styles Fan Fiction)

Chapter 64

"I'm uh--I'm sorry." Harry's normal husky tone has deflated. It's little, and baring sadness I'm very well familiar with. He parks outside my house and turns the ignition off, slowly pulling the key out and holding it in his hands. He's rubbing his forehead with closed eyes making his disgruntled features lucid.

"For what?" I grab a hold of his hand and hold it in mine. It's cold against my skin and I can feel it slightly shaking.

"For everything." he sighs and shakes his head.

"You've done nothing wrong," I softly remind him. He takes on my problems and always blames himself for it. I can't let him do that; I can't let him take blame for my damaged life.

"I have." he turns his neck roughly to look at me and stares with certainty, "I've done nothing but hurt you." he pulls his eyebrows together as the sour words slip his lips.

"Hurt me? You've never hurt me, Harry. Why are you saying that?"

"I don't know." he whispers, "I haven't kept any of the promises I made to you. I'm not protecting you the way I know I'm supposed to, Aleevonne. I'm--" he takes a breath and turns his face away from mine, "I'm not good for you."

My heart is beating through my chest and his words stuck the sharpest knife through it, "what?" I gasp, "how could you say that?" I'm blinking back the tears but his refusal to look at me is hurting me more, "Harry!" I release his hand and grab his jaw forcing him to look at me. Tears are formed in his eyes and he's trying to prevent them from falling, "don't ever say that. I need you."

"You don't!" he fights back, "what have I done to make you happy?"

"Everything!" I yell, "how could you even say that?"

"I make you upset, more than I make you happy." he points out and I shake my head.

"No, everyone in this world makes me upset and you're the only one who makes me happy. Harry, I need you more than I need air, believe me I need you." I look into his eyes to make sure that he's not only hearing me, but feeling my honesty.

He looks weak and defenseless, just so broken and hurt and I have no idea how to make it go away. His eyes display great pain and regret and for the first time, I feel helpless.

"I shouldn't have let you said what you did."

"What?"

"To Liam and Ava, what you said about the beatings and the rape, I shouldn't have let you remember those times and allow you to hurt and cry the way you did. I should've just taken you home." he releases himself from my hands and looks out the window beside him. Through the light, I can tears falling down his cheek and he sniffles and wipes them away, "three times." he whispers shaking his head, "he tried to rape you three times?" he looks back at me and furrows his eyebrows and parts his lips, "I should've been there."

I know how he feels about rape because Mia was. I remember how much pain he was in and how hurt he was when he told me what happened to her. I remember the regret and self hatred he felt as he told me he felt responsible for her rape because he wasn't there. I refuse to allow him to believe any of what Liam did was his fault. I refuse.

"Stop." I say. I'm not going to let him blame himself anymore. I can't take it. I can't allow him to feel guilty for something someone else did. He's only going to break himself down even more and I don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me, "Harry, you weren't even there." he doesn't say anything else and licks the tears off his lips.

"That's the problem!" he says raising his voice, "I fucking knew what type of guy he was, I knew what he was like and even through loving you I let him get to you!" he yells in rage, "I fucking let him do it! I let him do it!" right as he stops, he bows his head and breaks down. He pinches his eyes with his thumb and index and shakes his head in regret. I watch as the strongest man I've ever met in my life, crumble before me and cry his heart out.