Pain: Her (Harry Styles Fan Fiction)

Chapter 72

Struggling to keep my balance as I escape from Harry's desperate and broken hug, I run down the hall that seems miles long trying to leave this house that seems like it's haunted. My vision is blurred from my tears and all I can hear is my name being shouted by the re-constructor of my heart that has now crumbled into absolutely nothing.

"Aleevonne!" Harry shouts running after me down the stairs. It feels like each step is covered in glue and I'm struggling and forcing myself down. Half of me wants to go back and actually run into his arms and forgive him because I love him with all my heart, but the other half of me can't stand him. I'm putting myself in that girls position. I'm putting myself in Candice's place; she didn't deserve that.

Harry's loud and untiring foot steps become louder behind me but because of all the tears and my weak knee's, I'm failing to pick up my pace.

"Alee!" with one swift jump, once I reach the final step both of Harry's hands grips my waist and pulls me back into him, "please!" he turns me around and we're now chest to chest, "please listen to me!" he begs.

I know I won't leave him permanently, I know I won't walk away forever but I need to be alone. I need to be alone with my thoughts and myself, away from him and his refusal to allow me to do that is only making things worse. I'm struggling under his grip and no matter how hard I'm trying to push him away he isn't budging. I feel dizzy and unbalanced, and honestly I have no idea how I'm even standing from how hard I'm crying.

"I'm sorry!" his firm hands cup my face forcing me to look at him, "I'm so, sorry.." he whispers holding back his tears; the tears I promised to never cause, "please..." he implores and his lips begin to quiver. It's a heart breaking sight and it's hurting me more because it's over me, "don't go."

"Stop!" I have to stand my ground. I'm not going to allow him to reverse everything I'm feeling because he apologized. It means nothing, "Harry, let me go!" I cry through my teeth pushing him away. He stumbles back and watches me force my body away from him. He's shocked and his wounded heart is apparent, "I need to leave. I can't be here with you." shaking my head I turn around even though most of me doesn't want to leave. I need to prove a point that I can't fall back into his arms like I always do and that his lies have crossed the line.

"You can't do this to me!" unexpectedly, his injured arm swings and his fist connects with the huge glass vase full of lilly's and it shatters against the ground. The beautiful gold and red decor that was once standing tall is now broken; scattered all over the floor completely unfix able. Clenching his jaw, his fists ball. My body jerks back just as my fright kicks in, "it was a mistake! You have to forgive me!" his boots carelessly step over the glass to get to me but I step away. It cracks more with every step he takes towards me and his eyes ignite in complete regret, "I know I fucked up with her, but you can't just leave me, Aleevonne! After everything we've been through, after everything I went through to finally have you; you can't go!" blood drips from his knuckles creating a pool of blood under him and the scene from when he punched the wall because of his step-dad appears in my head.

"I just need to be alone for a whil--"

"Why?!" he shouts, "be with me! That's where the fuck you belong; with me!"

"I can't!" I stomp like a child, "what you did was horrible Harry, why can't you understand that? It's not even that, you lied to me about not hiding anything! You said you weren't and you even yelled at me from confronting you about it making me feel like a horrible girlfriend for pushing you! You always unwillingly tell me things! It has always been like that. I've had to find out by force, not because you wanted me to. If Louis hadn't called, were you going to tell me what you did? Or were you going to lie some more?"

"I was going to tell you," he says lowering his voice, "I needed to do it at the right time."

"And when was the right time going to be? What else are you even hiding?" even though I'm angry and yelling the tears are still nonstop running down my face and neck, "were you lying to me about everything else too?"

"What?" his face twists in disbelief, "why would you think that? I never lied to you Alee, I never told you, there's a difference." he points out. I'm trying my hardest to ignore his bloody knuckles but as the red liquid increases my concern rises.

"That's the fucking problem! You never told me! Why didn't you tell me? I have told you every single thing about my life from beginning to end with no gaps or short cuts yet here you are not even willing to share your life with me! Why? Do you not trust me?"

"Of course I trust you, I was afraid!"

"Of what?!"

"This!" he opens his arms between us, "exactly this! Knowing how you feel about that shit you honestly thought I was going to tell you? I didn't want to lose you that's why I never told you. Why would I risk losing you? Why?" he lifts in shoulder as he rhetorically asks me, "why would I want you looking at me the way you are now? Like I'm some type of fucking monster? This is hurting me as much as it's hurting you! No--" he corrects himself walking to me, "it's hurting me more than it's hurting you because you will be able to get over me but I won't be able to get over you." his pink lips falls into a frown and his tears reform. I can feel the self destruction each second that passes while he looks at me.

I'm not over reacting this time, I'm not crazy or taking it too far. I have every God given right to be upset with him because what he did was appalling. He drugged her and had sex with her. I wouldn't be so upset if it were just sex but he drugged her and for what? To do some dirty mans work? I don't want to be with someone like that. I don't want to be with someone who's going to be a follower instead of leader. I can't allow myself to go back to that dark world I was in with Liam and though the situations are different, I know with Harry it will be worse.

"You raped her..." I want to cry even saying those words. And to Harry! Of all people in the world, I'm saying those words to him.

"I didn't. I swear to God I didn't rape her Alee, why don't you believe me?" he seems so defenseless and weary, almost like he's a wilting flower.

"You drugged her and forced her."

"Stop!" he grabs the sides of his hair and pulls, shutting his eyes, "I didn't force her! She fucked me back!" he yells opening his eyes. For a second it looked as though he was lost in some world because it seemed like he was yelling at himself, rather then at me.

"And if she didn't touch you back, would you have stopped?" this should be an easy question to answer, why is he hesitating? With every second he stays silent my heart beats faster and faster. He's not that type of guy...he told me he's not that type of guy.

How is this all even happening right now? Just earlier we were joking and laughing, we even had sex, and now we're breaking up.

We're breaking up.

It seems unreal because of all the promises we told each other about staying together forever. It's so unreal. The way he's begging me and I have even surprised myself by trying to walk out away him. I thought I would never be strong enough to leave him because of how much he has fixed me and built me back up from rubble and now, I'm the one breaking him down. I should be leaving and collecting myself but instead I'm here making myself feel worse.

"Yes I would've stopped, I'm not a fucking rapist!"

"But you said she struggled!"

"You know what," he angrily clenches his jaw, "I'll tell you everything." did he not tell me the whole story before? If that was just half of it I don't want to hear the rest, I don't think I'd be able to handle it.

"I fucked her plenty of times before, her and her sister, her sister and her best friend, and they all wanted it. Candice isn't a saint, if that's what you're thinking. She fucked every guy with a pulse and I was the one who she liked the most."

"You had sex with all those girls, and her sister?!" It's honestly sickening now that I know that he has. I knew he wasn't a virgin before me but that's more than four girls. He has touched me after touching them and kissed me and did things to me he probably did to those girls and it makes me feel sick in my stomach. I feel so naive.

"I did." he says with a straight face, "I'm telling you everything right now. No more hiding. I fucked probably every girl in London from the time I went back home up until I left."

"He fucks every girl and changes them every month. You're his new month." Liam's voice blasts through my ears. Was he right the whole time?

"It was all because of Louis. He gave me drugs and made me drink, for fuck sake's he's four years older then me and I looked up to him. He told me I was like his little brother and said he'd protect me and all that stupid shit I was dumb enough to believe. He told me that you never turn down sex so I didn't."

"Then why did you drug her if she wanted it?"

"She was feeling guilty and Blake put it in her drink and I took her to the room."

I can't listen anymore. I can't look at him. I'm so disgusted with him, "do you not realize what that did? Because you did that to her, Mia is dead." I know throwing that in his face is probably the worse possible thing I could do because for years that has haunted him but he told me "there was nothing I could've done" when really, he could have prevented the whole thing from happening, "if being with you is going to make me end up like her, I don't want to be with you then. I don't want me live in constant fear like I was with Liam, I refuse to let you drag me down."

"I'm not dragging you down! This is my past, it's not the present! Obviously I didn't want to live that kind of life anymore and came back here for you!"

"Don't use that shit on me!" I feel like that is a lie too. Maybe it is, "that whole story sounds like bullshit! You liked me for two years and never did anything about it and you leave me knowing, Harry, knowing he was hitting me you left and let him do it and what were you doing? Having sex with every girl that was breathing the same air as you? How do I know you're not doing that now?

Without saying a word, he kicks the broken glass away and with a straight and angry face, he strides towards me, "I have lied about a lot of things in my life," he says barely moving his lips, "but I have never lied about loving you. I've never lied about anything I said to you or even lied about my feelings towards you. You know me better than that. It's me, Alee. I'm the same person I was this morning just with a shameful past. If I didn't love you I wouldn't be fighting so hard to keep you." the blood on his knuckles have dried up along with the tears on his face. And as I listen closely, I can hear his heart beating. I feel like mine has no pulse anymore. It feels like every life it held has been sucked away and now it's gone. I feel like a ghost. A flesh less, heartless ghost standing before the man who killed me.

"Oddly, Harry I don't care." I watch his eyes widen with shock but mine remain true, "I was in her position three times, whether or not it was rape Harry, she struggled and you forced her at first," he opens his mouth to speak but I silence him, "you took her in your room to have sex with her against her will until the drug set in. I've promised myself since I left Liam that I will never be with someone like him, or someone like who you were in your past and even if you aren't that person anymore I can't risk it." I'm surprised but proud of myself because for the first time, I'm actually sticking up for myself. I've always let people manipulate me and get to me, take control and stomp over me because of how weak I was. I know this feeling towards Harry won't last, I know I won't stop loving him but right now it's impossible for me to stay with him. I might regret it, but right now, I don't.

"Don't," he drops to his knees wrapping his shaking fingers around my hips, "Aleevonne, I'm begging you please," his natural deep voice has now decreased into a weak and cracked one, almost like he's losing it, "I'll do anything, I'll call all of them now and apologize but don't leave me, Alee. Don't go." he's breaking right in front of me but I'm too heartless to care, "I need you..." his final words fall out at a whisper and my only response is a single tear that has been hiding behind my eyes falling.

I grab his wrists and pull him off of me and they fall with despair beside him, "I have to go."

He stands himself up and forces me into his chest. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes my body as they refuse to release me, "Harry please." if he can just let me go it'll all be over with. It's what I want; I want it to end so I can leave and be alone.

"I love you so much!" his bloody hand cups my face and he clashes his lips onto mine. The taste of his tears and warm lips mix with my helpless ones. It's forced and far from gentle, almost as if it's his final plead. I back away from him feeling his blood on my cheek and I turn away. I can't look back. If I do, I know I'll stay and I can't do that. I wipe the blood from my face and open the door and rush out. I hear him scream and glass break and I pick up my pace as I hug myself walking down the breezy sidewalk to my house.

The image of Harry carrying a half awake helpless girl over his shoulder into his room and laying her down to do things to her makes me want to cry because of how disturbing it is. Of all people, he is the last person I'd ever expect this from. He had sex with so many girls and didn't even care, he caused the suicide of the one he "loved" because of his careless actions, he lied to me constantly over and over and it's all his fault it blew up this way. If he had only told me the truth from the beginning, it wouldn't have ended up this way.

It's getting darker now and the street lights are one. The sky is dark blue and the half moon is out, shining beautifully above as the crickets begin to chirp. What am I going to tell Alan? Does he even know what Harry did? Of course not, he shouldn't know. I don't think, despite his love towards Harry, he would allow me to date him. My mom will probably be happy, and those smiles and compliments towards Harry were probably all an act and she'll celebrate now that he's gone.

But he's not gone. He's not. I know I walked away but it's not forever. We both know I'm not capable of leaving him and never coming back because I still love him. I'm angry and disgusted but I know in time I'll learn to get over it and maybe that'll be soon, but for right now I feel nothing.

I walk the empty streets and finally reach my house. It felt like I've been walking for years but I'm glad I'm finally home. When I turn the nob, the door is already unlocked and I'm grateful because I left my bag at Harry's house. How smart of me.

"Hello, darling." Alan smiles holding a cup of tea, "where have you been? It's almost seven?"

I look around my house blankly. Not looking for anything in particular, but just looking, "with Harry." I drly tell him. He sips his tea and nods obviously unaware of everything. Does he notice my drained face? Does he notice my different attitude? I guess I'm good at hiding things since it's all I've ever done.

"I'm going to sleep." without looking at him I walk up the stairs and into my room. I shut the door with no strength left in me and I crawl into bed.

I have his t-shirt on and his smell is still on it; his smell I've fallen completely in love with and can't give up. My world is black all over again. I'm back to square one and my one chance of happiness is now gone. Maybe if I would've just listened to him, I would still have him. Maybe if I gave him another chance I wouldn't be crying myself to sleep. I shouldn't think this way! He got what he deserved--or did he? I don't know! No, no. I'm not doing this to myself. I shouldn't feel guilty or horrible for something he did. He lied and did things that were horrible, I shouldn't be the one feeling this way. I have done nothing wrong. I did what I knew was right because I was in Candice's place three times. Though Liam never actually did it, I know what she felt when she was struggling under Harry. And just the fact that he had sex with all those girls makes me feel disgusted in myself for allowing him to touch me. I let him do everything he wanted to me and pleasure me and now I regret it all. I fell too fast; that's what is it. I fell in love with him way too quickly and was so blinded by his promises that it didn't even cross my mind that he could have even thought of doing anything like that. I guess that's what happens when you allow someone into your life so quickly without taking the proper pro cautions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Alan?"

I barely slept last night for the third night in a row. I'm lifeless and weak, I can't move without feeling pain and my head is pounding. I woke up this morning hoping and praying that everything was a dream but it was a reality; a fucked up reality I can't believe actually happened.

"Yeah?" he pours himself a cup of coffee and wraps his scarf around his neck.

"I don't feel good. Can I stay home?" with concern his brows knit together and he places his mug down, "come here."

I walk to him and stand before him as he presses the back of his hand against my forehead, "what's wrong? You're a little warm, what's hurting?"

My heart.

"My head." I feel the tears, I can feel it coming.

He sighs, "okay. Go back to bed." he lifts his brief case off the chair and smiles, "go!" he shoo's me away, "I'll call your mother when she wakes up and tell her. Don't worry about it, get rest." I love him so much and I know he won't give me this attention anymore once the baby is born. I feel distant from my mother, I don't have Harry anymore, Ava is gone, all I have is Alan.

"Oh," he pauses standing between the open the door, "Harry came by this morning. You forgor your bag. Did you see it?"

He what...

"He--he came here?" I turn on the step to face him, "when?"

"You were asleep when he put it in your room." my heart is going to drop.

"Whe--when was this? When?"

"About an hour ago." he nods, "yeah he said you left it at his house after the movie. He didn't want you getting in trouble for any missed work, he said."

"Was he okay?"

"Yeah, he looked a bit different but his other wrist is wrapped. He said he bruised it while boxing at the gym. He's silly, he shouldn't be boxing at all with his injured wrist, "he shakes his head, "anyway, I have to get going I'll bring medicine if you need when I get back." he kisses his free hand and waves to me before leaving.

Overwhelmed, I run up the stairs and into my room. I'm looking, but I can't see the bag. Where is it?! My eyes dart from corner to corner but I can't find it, "oh!" what a relief. I see the brown leather bag on the chair beside the door. Jeez, all that panting and head moving made me feel nauseous. The bag feels heavier then usual, maybe he put my shirt I forgot inside. Curious, I unzip the bag and my prediction is correct. My shirt is neatly folded and placed in between my books and I pull it out. But my shirt wasn't this thick. I unfold it and another one falls out along with a piece of paper.

It's his shirt. I walk to the bed and sit, placing my shirt beside me and I unfold his. It's his white Rolling Stones one; I wonder why he put it. I unfold the paper and begin to read.

Alee,

You left your shirt and bag at my house last night. I'm sorry I put you through all of that, I miss you so much. It has only been a few hours and I'm feeling lost. I don't know where my head is at, I can't see straight anymore, I don't think my heart is intact anymore. But, anyway. Here's my shirt. I know how much you love my scent and you might hate it now, but it's the shirt I wore when I let you cry in my arms when we were in the stair case. Remember that? It was the first time I ever hugged you and it was the hug I waited so long for. I sprayed some extra cologne on it to make the smell last longer, but it's okay if you don't want it; I understand. I'm sorry if me coming by upset you, I just wanted to see you one last time. I hope you won't hate me forever, and I don't know if you'll ever take me back but please don't forget me. I'm not ready to let you go.

-Harry

My tears are falling must faster and harder then it did yesterday; I broke his heart. I'm confused, I don't know how to feel but this letter is squeezing the life out of me. Every word hit me like a ton of bricks and my chest is jumping from my cries. I can't hold it in anymore. I miss him so much, I really do. Holding the letter against my heart, I fall on the bed. Alan said he hurt his wrist, he probably destroyed the whole living room. His poor mom worked so hard on making it look good and it's all shattered. I feel like, just like he did to me, I sucked the life out of him. He begged me to forgive him but I didn't even listen. Why!? I should've at least listened to him and hear what he had to say, instead I walked out like nothing we had was important or ever existed. I regret so many things I said to him but I can't take it back.

It hasn't even been a day and I'm going crazy without him. I don't want to be without him. I don't want anyone else, I don't want to walk around without his hand in mine, I don't want to fall asleep without his good night calls, I don't want to wake up every morning knowing he's out there without me. I know what he did was horrible, but he was genuinely sorry. I know him better then that, I know he would never do it to me, and of course I know he'll keep me safe from Louis.

I said I needed time, and I do. But I think time is going by faster then I thought it actually would and now I'm even more broken without him.





*hii everyone! I hate to ruin the mood with this author's note but I'd like to say a quick thank you for reading and voting! All your comments are amazing and I loved your reaction to the plot twist. I'm extremely sorry if it made you sad :( and to be honest I was bit afraid to using it, but I'm glad I did because I think it's making the story stronger, don't you think? Anyway, the story is so close to half a million I'm jumping off a bridge because of how excited I am! lol! you guys are simply amazing and couldn't thank you enough for you support and time you put into reading this :) I say it all the time and i know it's annoying as hell, but please don't forget to comment and vote. I'm still sticking to the 150+ votes and I'll update thing, so I hope you enjoyed this, i love you all!*