Pain: Her (Harry Styles Fan Fiction)

Chapter 79

Harry's POV:

I'm afraid; scared out of my fucking mind to tell her everything. The silence is killing me and just the look on her face terrifies the life out of me. I have so much to tell her but I don't know where to begin. It goes from 'fucked up' to 'even more fucked up' all the way to 'she's goin to leave you forever because you're a disgusting monster.' But if she leaves me again I don't know what I would do. I can't function correctly without her, it's like I live for her. She's my oxygen and the pulse to my heart. Without her, I'm nothing; just flesh and bones.

"There was more to it..." I can't look into her eyes, I can already read them and the script isn't fine.

"More? Like, to what you did to her?" her sad eyes examine mine.

"No, I mean there's more to my life I haven't told you about. I'm afraid," I know myself, and I'm never this nervous around or for anyone or anything. I'm never afraid to speak my mind, I'm never hesitant, if anything I'll tell the person straight forward but with her, I feel like a scared child in trouble. She's my everything. I have to be careful, but I know it won't happen because taking all the bad details out would make the conversation 'careful.' Telling her everything from beginning to end with no "gaps or short cuts" just like she said, would be deadly.

"You know what," she stands and I know she want to avoid this, "don't tell me. It's fine, it's okay. Listen, I understand everything now. I thought about it all but you don't have to tell me. It's better if I don't know anything Harry, really." her words are spilling quickly from her mouth and I know she doesn't want to know because she's afraid of herself turning against me.

"Please," I implore gently pulling her back down. I'm not going to coward out. I finally have something good in my life and I refuse to let it slip away, again. She sits beside me nervously and unprepared, "and what will happen if I don't tell you? You'll find out from someone else and hate me for not doing it." she looks away knowing I'm right and takes a deep breath,"you don't have to talk, just listen."

The clock hits two thirty and the room becomes mute. I only hear my breathing and the sounds of demons laughing at my failures; laughing at me and mocking me. Their shadows surround me but I have to block them out. They've dragged me down way too many times for far too long, it has to come to an end.

"Okay," she caves, "tell me everything."

I take a deep breath and turn towards the love of my life, hoping those eyes don't shade with hatred towards me, "after um--after everything with Candice, we still fuck--had sex even behind his back. It went on for a while but I got sick of her. Bored, actually. Her personality just wasn't there. Her and Blake went through some things and they broke up and then everything happened with Mia." this part of the story I never told her and as I'm speaking, I'm debating whether or not to tell her the part that actually killed me, "she was sick one day and I took her to the doctors. She was always sick in the morning, always threw up and certain smells and foods disgusted her..." I force myself to look at her and I know she's beginning to understand. I've never told anyone this before, it was always our secret; our beautiful yet tragic secret I swore I'd take to the grave, but I can't risk losing Alee, "she was pregnant."

Her jaw drops and eyes widen as tears begin to fall down her cheeks. She doesn't look upset but genuinely sad. The image of Mia hanging above the fallen chair with pills scattered below her is one I can never forget. It haunts me every night, consumes my dreams and replays it while it paralyses me making it impossible for me to wake up. No matter how hard I try to forget, it never goes away; it never will.

"She was pregnant?" she whispers in shock.

"Yeah," I nod, "when she died--they died, everything got worse."