Divergent?

Chapter Twenty (Beatrice)

Oh gosh. No. No no no. I like Four. Really like him. He likes me. I think. Surely... But... No! I'm Abnegation! We're Abnegation! This is all wrong. But deep down, what if I want it to be right?

My thoughts are interrupted by a soft knock at the door. The nurse sighs haughtily as she moves over to open it.

'You must be a popular girl,' she says as I hear the door squeak open. I smile shyly at the curtain around my bed. Muffled whispers float into the room. I catch snippets of the conversation- the nurse saying '...Don't take too long, though,' and another, deeper, voice replying 'We won't.' Then several sets of footsteps move towards me, another single set heading towards the nurse's office. I quickly smooth down my hair in a desperate attempt to look presentable infront of my visitors, when the grey curtain is drawn back.

In the dim light of the room, I can make out that around six people are gathered in a small group, and are all peering at me intently. Yves is at the front of the group, and Luke, Faith, Hannah and Zane and Natasha- two other initiates that I don't know that well are standing behind him. A wide grin forms on Yves' face, and the group surges forward to my bedside.

'How are you doing, Beatrice?' asks Yves, the grin still apparent on his face, but worry clouding in his eyes.

'Fine, thanks,' I reply.

'You sure?' Faith and Luke ask in unison. 'You look kind of... Rough,' adds Luke.

I laugh softly before replying. 'Um, yeah, not too great, honestly. But I'll be fine with a bit of rest- don't worry.' My mind is still reeling with my encounter with Four, and I'm not totally focused. Movement at the side of the group catches my attention, and I see someone who was previously at the back pushing nervously to the front. When I realise who it is, a gasp catches in my throat. Why is she here? Why would she care about me?

'Maybe we should leave Beatrice to it then.' Confidence leaks from Alexa's voice, whilst I'm here worrying about why she's here. And nervous about what she has to say to me.

'Oh, OK then. See you, Beatrice,' Yves says.

'Yes, get well soon,' adds Hannah; everyone else but Alexa makes their way to the door, muttering goodbyes. Then, the door closes, leaving Alexa and I in silence. I'm about to break the tension in the room- ask what she's doing here, when she rushes into speech.

'Beatrice, listen, I'm so sorry. I should never had shouted at you, and I've just been feeling so sorry these last few days, but I was too scared to apologise. I know you're not feeling great right now... But I couldn't wait any longer to say sorry. I just feel so bad.' I sit in stunned silence, feeling mixed emotions at the look of raw emotion plastered across Alexa's face. My tensed body relaxes, and I let happiness at her apology rush through me.

'I'm so sorry too, Alexa. I was feeling really guilty aswell. So... Are we good?' I add. Alexa doesn't respond, just rushes over to embrace me. I tense again, taken aback by her sudden display of emotion. But then I wrap my own arms around her and smile into her shoulder. My broken hand aches with the movement, but I don't care right now.

Finally, we pull away from the hug. 'I feel like I owe you an explanation,' Alexa whispers.

I notice the worry on her face, and come to the conclusion that she's not that willing to spill. 'No, you don't owe me anything. Honestly, you-'

'No, Beatrice. Just let me do this. Otherwise how will I know you've actually forgiven me?' There's a look of sincerity on Alexa's face, and although she may not really be willing want to explain her actions, she wants to- so I'll respect that. I nod at her to begin talking.

'OK, I guess this may seem like a bit of a lame excuse, but... It means a lot to me. So just... Don't judge. Right.' Alexa takes a deep breath, then closes her eyes. I wait patiently for her to start talking again. 'Well, I guess the reason why I joined Abnegation was because it's where I sometimes feel like I belong. But also I guess I also feel like I have a point to prove. You see, I have a brother. Called Matthew. My parents, his teachers, our parents' friends... Back home, they would always go on about how much of a perfect little boy he was. 'The living definition of Candor,' people would call him. He was such a well behaved boy, and was always being such a good Candor... It annoyed the hell out of me sometimes. But I suppose other people just loved him.

As for me, well you could say there were two sides to my personality. When I was really young, I was quite shy, didn't speak much, and kept out of people's way. Not very Candor-ish qualities.' Alexa gives a short, humourless laugh. 'In fact, people would often compare me to Abnegation. As for the other side... Well, when I was older, I started to rebel. I got tired of always being 'that quiet one in the corner'. I did badly at school, disobeyed my parents... Went off and did stupid things just for kicks. The thing is, though, I almost enjoyed that part of me. But, belonging to the Candor faction, I was punished appropriately.

Then, when I got older, I stopped rebelling just for the sake of it. I did it quietly, under the radar- but because it felt like me. I still feel like I don't belong in Candor. And I wanted to prove to my parents that I'm not just that stupid, idiotic girl who goes off and does stupid, idiotic things. That I can behave well, like my brother. But now I'm not sure that Abnegation is the right faction for me. I just don't know where I belong.'

I sit in stunned silence, taking in everything Alexa has just told me. My heart aches with pity for her, yet I know that's not what she needs right now. But I have no idea what to say. What she just told me... It feels like she spilled her heart out before me. I look at Alexa, and see worry and expectance in her face.

'Alexa... I had no idea that being here meant so much to you. And that you were finding it so hard. Honestly, if I did...' My speech is cut off by the sound of the nurse emerging from her office. Alexa's head jerks up, like a rabbit caught in the headlights, and she stands up.

'I ought to go. But get well soon, Beatrice. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow.' Alexa smiles at me then walks to the door before the nurse can come and hurry her along. I hear the door softly click closed behind her, then she's gone. Leaving me to go over everything she just told me.