Oblivion

7

For the second time in a week, he awoke to a world of white softness, feeling free for just a moment before reality ripped its way through his mind. How could he have failed again? Why wouldn't they just let him die?

'If you ever, ever, pull that stunt again, I will kill you myself.' He heard Kyle say from across the room.

'You don't get it, do you?' His voice was croaky. How long had he been out? 'I want to die. I don't want to be here.'

Kyle's face appeared over him. His eyes were red and his face pale.

'Why? What on earth has happened to you?' He demanded.

'I don't deserve to live.' Dan whispered. Maybe if he explained why, he would understand and leave him alone.

'Why? What could you have done that was so bad? I know you had a drinking problem, but what's so bad about that? You can get help. I can help you.'

'Its my fault she died.' He whispered. Though he had always known it and had tortured himself for years about it, he had never spoken the words out loud.

'Who? Who died?' He heard the terror in Kyle's voice.

'Sam.' The word left his lips and his voice cracked into sobs. The pain was obvious on his face as the tears streamed. Kyle could do little but hold his hand. He cried and cried for what felt like hours. He'd kept everything locked away inside for so long and now the floodgates had opened, there was no shutting them again. He felt as raw now as he had done when she died.

Out poured everything. From the very beginning. How he'd enjoyed the late night drinking with the boys and it had gradually, over years, taken over. He'd always been crippled by shyness, since he was a child. But when he drank he felt confident, happy. And within months he found he couldn't function without the alcohol in his system at all. And then, to combat the hangovers, he'd been drinking when he woke in the mornings. It had snowballed from there, every day getting worse and worse until his body would ache and cried out when he tried to stop the drinking.

A 'friend' had offered him some cocaine one night and he'd felt a rush that alcohol had no longer provided him. And then from there he had been so desperate to chase the feeling of elation that he'd tried everything. Until finally landing on heroin. It felt like such a cliche to him now, but at the time he cared for nothing but finding that rush, that buzz, that something that made him feel good. But the lows were earth shatteringly bad, so to stop the crash, he was constantly topping it up and up until there was barely an hour of the day without something in his system.

Kyle had sat and listened to his friend for hours. His mouth wide open. He'd had no idea of the depth of Dans trouble. He'd never for a moment suspected drugs were involved. Dan had never been that type. And he'd hidden it very well. It had been around the time the band had started winding down. Dan was no longer writing music, their popularity had dropped off, it had been months since they'd performed any shows.

'And then I met Sam. She tried to help me. She loved me despite what I was. But she never came first. She was always second to my addiction. I only knew her a matter of months but she said she'd seen a light in me that she wanted to save. And then I guess it was just too much for her. We had a fight one night and she ran off, she was hit by a car and she died right there in the road. I got there too late. If I hadn't of-'

'No. Stop. That wasn't your fault. It was an accident. If you've been blaming yourself for that all this time...then you were wrong.'

'How is that not my fault? I chased her in front of a car. If I had put her before myself, she would never had been out there. I killed her.'

'You're wrong. All this? All this was about her?'

'I couldn't cope with what I'd done, who I'd become. It took losing her to realise what I'd done to my life. I couldn't go back home, I couldn't go to my parents. I threw away my phone and wallet and just started...running. I ran and ran until I was far away and then there was no going back. I never even got to say goodbye to her...'

'Its time to let this go. You cannot end your life because of what you were. You had no control over any of what happened. I can help. Your parents can help you, Dan. We've all been worried sick for so long. We thought you were dead. But you're not and I can't tell you how happy we all are to have you back. Please, please, I'm begging you, let us help you?'

Dan took a deep breath and looked away from Kyle. He glanced down at his torn up arm and faint track lines. With all his tears cried and things he'd been telling himself for years now out in the open, he felt just a tiny little bit of relief. Would it be possible for him to ever feel truly free? Was it even worth a try?

'Please, Dan. Give yourself a chance.' He looked back at Kyle who was smiling gently at him, but sadness in his brown eyes. 'If not for yourself, then for me? You were once my best friend. I don't want to live in a world without you in it.'

Dan glanced out the window, the sun setting across the buildings in the distance. There was nothing anyone could do to help him. No one could take back what he'd done. There was no magic cure. He would live with the guilt and pain for years. Maybe that's what he deserved? He should live until he grew old and grey, carrying the scars of his mistakes. Suffering forever.

'Ok.' He nodded. He let out a defeated sigh. 'Ok.'