translucent [markson]

[Ten] Cracking

Under all the pressure he put on himself, Jackson felt as if he would burst. With winter break slowly coming up and his crush on Mark worsening, he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. Exhaustion from fencing and dance practice only added to his stress, since he had training every day and a dance show at the end of November. Everything was caving in on him.

As if it wasn't hard enough already, all the talk about Mark made Jackson go insane. He felt like someone was always talking about Mark, no matter where he went or where he tried to hide. And although Mark's popularity had caused talk of Jackson to die down, Jackson's world had become lonely and isolated.

It went without saying that Jackson was glad people somewhat stopped talking shit about him. The less than polite rumours still had a slight presence, just not as strong as before. He finally felt like he could walk the halls without being judged or being questioned, but that was all he had before. Without all the negative attention, he got nothing, and Jackson wasn't used to that.

JYP academy was a small school, so nearly all the students knew each other. Most people were friendly, but Jackson had been so outcasted that he was unfamiliar with everyone. He knew names and faces without knowing the people behind them, and it only made Jackson even more disconnected and distant from his peers. All his classmates' were concerned with Mark, making Jackson practically invisible.

It really angered Jackson. Just a couple months ago he was begging to be left alone, but once he was left alone, he started complaining. As if self hatred hadn't formed over the years of growing up alone, Jackson began to really despise his own thoughts. He was sick of hearing himself whine, to the point where he convinced himself that his friends didn't deserve to have to bear with it too. He told himself that his problems weren't theirs, only causing him to be trapped in his thoughts for even longer periods of time. At that point, Jackson didn't know what would happen first: bursting into tears or exploding into a fit of rage. Maybe a combination of the two was more likely.

On a particularly difficult day, he could barely keep himself together. The school day consisted of him alternating between fanboying over Mark and hating how he couldn't talk about it -- internally of course. It continued with him having a difficult time during fencing practice, since he was unable to focus from being tired. He got scolded by the coach at least four times before he was finally told to sit out. The last thing he had to do before he could relax was dance practice, and he wasn't sure if he would survive.

During his walk to the practice room, his thoughts were a destructive flurry. So much had happened that day that he wanted to rant about it to Yugyeom and BamBam, but he knew he shouldn't. He thought it'd be best to keep it shut so they could focus on practicing, considering the show was in less than two weeks. The only thing that Jackson had left to worry about was if he would be able to stay awake through the next two hours.

Yugyeom and BamBam were already dancing when Jackson got in. They looked so good that Jackson could feel his heart sink. He wasn't able to practice on his own as much as the other two because of fencing, but he was still guilty of dragging the team down. BamBam had given him a chance by agreeing to be in a group with him, so the least he could do was give his best.

Once he put his stuff down, he immediately joined the two. Everything went smoothly at first. They ran through the dance from start to finish a couple times, then started working on trouble spots. It was when they took a look around the room and at each other when things fell apart. The atmosphere was thick and heavy, as if BamBam and Yugyeom could sense that something was wrong with Jackson. Everyone was very aware of each other -- aware of more than just the dance they were distracting themselves with. When Yugyeom had finally had enough, he stopped dancing in the middle of the routine and paused the music.

"Jackson, what's wrong?" Yugyeom walked over to Jackson and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Nothing. I'm fine," Jackson assured him, taking Yugyeom's hand off his shoulder as nicely as he could. The smile on his face was so convincing that Yugyeom could only just see through it.

"Don't lie. You've been out of it all day," Yugyeom snapped, making it clear he didn't want any more lies from Jackson.

"This is the first time we've talked today, how would you know?" Jackson scoffed. Yugyeom hadn't even talked to him during dance class.

"Let's just practice," BamBam mumbled, walking over to the stereo. Before he got halfway there, Yugyeom grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"Look, we can't keep avoiding this. You've been weird the past few weeks." At the sound of Yugyeom's words, Jackson's conscience was split in two.

One half of Jackson felt so relieved that Yugyeom had noticed. He wanted to spill his guts right then and there, about everything from his stress to Mark. It was unusual to Jackson that he'd keep anything to himself, so he just wanted to get back to a state he was comfortable in. He was also slightly angry that Yugyeom hadn't said anything earlier, but it didn't matter because the other side was more dominant.

On the other hand, he wanted to slap himself in the face. His anger towards Yugyeom was covered up by his anger towards himself, for not hiding it well enough. The fact that Yugyeom could see through him so easily made Jackson feel hopeless, and suddenly Jackson could feel his eyes sting. He never cried, not in front of his friends. He didn't want them to see how pathetic he really was.

"Just finish practice without me." Without saying another word, Jackson grabbed his bag and walked out.

The half of Jackson that had wanted to spill was hoping that one of them would stop him. He knew how cliche and unlikely it was, but he wanted the reassurance that they cared. When no one did, Jackson's mindset returned to its usual, pissed off state.

As he walked back to his dorm, he just wanted to ram his head into the wall. He was so annoyed that he had expected someone to come after him. It was naive of him to wish it, especially when he had made it clear that he wanted to be alone. He was tired of dealing with his hypocritical thoughts to the point where he wished it would all stop.

Jackson fantasized about a world where he didn't have to deal with his mental arguments or his contradicting ideas. It seemed too perfect and way too selfish, so Jackson concluded that wishing for the impossible wasn't going to do anything. Instead, he just told himself that he would simply suck it up and do a better job.

Jackson didn't cry that night.