translucent [markson]

[Twenty Two] Outside

Jackson hated crying. He was a sensitive person, but he never wanted to let his tears shed in front of people -- especially not people that would use it against him. Crying was something Jackson learned to hold in, because he knew he looked pathetic when he did it. Once that slap hit his face, though, he couldn't stop himself.

Running out of the room was questionably the worst thing he could have done in his situation. He could already tell that it'd be a long time before things would calm down and he'd stop getting picked on. He was hated enough already, so getting rejected by Mark was like his third strike. But that wasn't to say that he even knew what those other two strikes were.

As he hid himself in his room, he wanted nothing more than to just disappear. Part of him refused to admit that he was heartbroken and told him that he was insulting actually heartbroken people by calling himself that. However, he knew that, deep down in the pit of hell that was his mind, he was hurt and lonely.

Loneliness was an uncomfortably familiar feeling to Jackson; sometimes the feeling was still present even when he was with Yugyeom. He spent a lot of time alone when he was growing up, so it was almost like loneliness had a permanent place in his life. But, in all honesty, he had never felt so alone until the clock struck three and tears were still dripping down his cheeks. He felt like he had no one left to cry to, even though he knew that Yugyeom hadn't completely left his side. Not yet, anyway.

The fact that he had fencing practice suddenly crossed his mind, giving him enough motivation to wipe his tears and get up. His hope was that he would be left alone for at least the duration of practice because fencing wasn't something he could easily skip. Besides his whole language learning thing (which he didn't even see as an impressive quality), fencing was the only other thing he had going for him. That gave him almost no other option than going, despite how much he just wanted to stay in his room.

Imaginary scenes of getting ridiculed flashed across Jackson's mind, but he forced them away, not wanting to let his extreme thoughts get in the way. A feeling of fearful anticipation still lingered in his gut, making him hesitant to walk out the door; however, he ignored it and made his way to practice. He pretended not to notice the stares he was given and the words that were thrown at him. And as he walked through the gym doors and saw his teammates, he could only hope that he'd have a shoulder to cry on when he got back to his room.

~

"Hey, Jackson," Yugyeom greeted when he heard the door open.

Jackson walked in, still sweaty and in his fencing uniform. A boy was sitting next to Yugyeom on the bottom bunk, papers scattered around them. The boy was familiar to Jackson -- probably from passing him in the halls or something -- but he didn't know who the kid was.

"Hi, Yugyeom and..." Jackson trailed off, waiting for one of the two to cut in.

"Jungkook. My name is Jungkook Jeon." Jungkook gave an awkward smile and started organizing their mess of papers.

"Sorry I didn't tell you he was coming earlier. We can go to the library or something-"

"No, you're good," Jackson insisted. "I was just gonna quickly clean up and head out." That wasn't his original plan. After practice, he really just wanted to bitch and moan to Yugyeom. Yugyeom had a friend over, though, and Jackson couldn't bring himself to cut in.

"Head out to where?" Yugyeom asked, skeptically. It was his way of asking "are you sure?" because he knew Jackson didn't have anything to do. Although he wasn't aware of what happened with Mark yet, he could still tell that something was wrong. Just barely, Yugyeom could see the shadow of a frown on his roommate's face.

"I'm going to head into town to buy some books." Yugyeom raised his eyebrow. "Workbooks and stuff for French and Thai."

"Okay, then... We'll be here."

And with that, Jackson took fresh clothes and headed off to the bathrooms. It took him no time to wash up, and almost unfortunately so. He didn't want to have to go back to his room and interrupt Yugyeom and Jungkook again, but he knew he had to if he wanted to actually head out. He really did need to study.

When he got back to his dorm, Yugyeom and Jungkook seemed very focused on whatever was on the laptop in front of them, so neither of them noticed Jackson. The atmosphere around them seemed very serious and almost uncomfortably so, making Jackson afraid of distracting them by calling their attention. Part of Jackson wished that he had, because, when he hadn't, he felt so invisible. He would also admit that he was jealous, even when he knew he shouldn't be.

Once he grabbed his stuff and walked out, he couldn't help but scold himself. What was so wrong with him that he got jealous that his friend also had his own friends? He wasn't quite sure what exactly he was jealous of, but he could feel it in the pit of his stomach and on the frown on his lips. Maybe it was that Yugyeom was hanging out with other people, or maybe it was the fact that Jackson just really wanted to have someone to talk to. Either way, he couldn't hide the disappointment and isolation he felt.

~

After an unproductive studying session, Jackson made his way back to his room. Instead of getting any work done, he let his thoughts overwhelm him, trapping him in feelings of being unwanted and unliked for two hours. The sense of rejection and shame that still hadn't gone away was too strong for him to ignore, and all he wanted to do was talk to somebody. He just wanted reassurance that there was someone who cared for him, that he wasn't alone.

As Jackson walked up the stairs, he could hear the upcoming conversation in his mind. He pictured himself walking into his dorm, Jungkook gone and Yugyeom laying on his bed. He imagined that Yugyeom sat up because he noticed something was wrong, and him asking Jackson what the problem was.

"You've been off all day. What happened?"

"I told Mark that I like him, Yugyeom. Earlier today."

"You did? That's great!"

"It wasn't."

Then the fantasy versions of him and Yugyeom hugged, making Jackson feel even more empty than he was a moment ago. Yugyeom's arms were like a second home to Jackson, however strange that sounded. At that moment, Jackson would kill for something familiar, something comfortable.

When he opened the dorm door, he didn't see Yugyeom laying on a bed. Instead, he saw Yugyeom hunched over a desk, hands running through his hair. Jackson's mind went blank for a moment before he rushed over to Yugyeom's side.

"What's happened?"

"Just... the usual stuff, you know. Lots of homework, I guess." Yugyeom sighed and stood up.

"You seemed fine when Jungkook was here. What's really wrong? Did he do something to you?" Jackson followed Yugyeom as Yugyeom walked towards the bunk bed. Yugyeom didn't even bother trying to shoo him off.

"It's not a big deal. I have bigger things to worry about." Yugyeom made the mistake of looking at Jackson's stern expression. Jackson would always be able to pry the words out of Yugyeom that way. With a sign, Yugyeom continued, "I was just thinking about that new student. He's a really good dancer -- you know who I'm talking about, right? He just... I don't want to fall too behind. That's all. I'm overreacting."

After hearing Yugyeom's words, Jackson knew he was going to try to force Yugyeom to talk for the rest of the night. He knew that Yugyeom was insecure, even though almost everything he did was already close to perfect. He didn't want Yugyeom to lose his confidence in his dancing and he definitely didn't want his best friend to be sad over something that was only in his mind.

It took him a little while to realise that he was pushing back his own problems and putting Yugyeom's before his. His heart ached to talk to somebody, to rant about Mark and how he felt, but he couldn't just ignore Yugyeom. Yugyeom was clearly hurting.

"Look, I'll talk about it later." Yugyeom flopped onto his back and gave Jackson a half-smile. "What did you do today?"

"Nothing."