Unlimited || Bucky Barnes

The Routine

Everything shattered in an instant. The windows, the glass vases, mirrors, decorations...my heart. Everything.

The whole building would have caved in on itself if didn't have a better grasp on my powers.

I crouched down and collapsed into Bucky's lap. He flinched for a moment, at both the shattering of our room, and the fact that I was touching him. It hurts me to know that he still had some fear about me injuring him, but I had bigger problems.

My parents were dead.

Dead.

I said it over in my head a million times, and the more I said it, the more it sounded fake.

I had said the word dead so many times that it didn't sound like a word anymore.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

My eyes had never been puffier, and I could feel the pool of tears that was draining onto Bucky's jeans. I could vaguely feel him petting my head, but almost everything around me felt like a blur. It was all dark around me, like when I was in the simulation pod. It all felt unreal.

I never stopped crying that day, just a continuous stream of tears and sniffles that echoed throughout the room. I didn't speak at all either, no matter how much Bucky tried to get something out of me. I never attempted to respond to him telepathically, and I eventually had to shut myself out of his head because he wouldn't stop trying to talk to me.

While Bucky was trying to soothe me, he explained to me what happened. Steve and Sam infiltrated the Hydra base we were at before, only to find it completely empty, except for two people. He didn't tell me much more. He got all fidgety afterwards and stayed away for awhile.

Everyday after that, he brought me food, which I would usually refuse to eat. I ate a little chocolate pudding one day, but felt too nauseous to proceed. He had carried me to the couch the day he told me, and I hadn't moved since. He would make me hot chocolate every morning, whether I drank it or not, and then sat down next to me and ate his food while watching tv. He would usually wander to the chair around two-ish and take a nap, then get back up and sit next to me. I didn't sleep the night he told me, and the night after that. He carried me to my bed and slept with me the third night, where I got a couple hours in. Same with the next night after that. Then he would walk me down the stairs and back to the couch. That was our daily routine for almost a whole week.

I was back to being helpless. And I hated it. I had to shove everything I was feeling deep down into that dark place Bucky talks about.

As much as I wanted to cry or throw things out of anger, I knew I couldn't. For Bucky's sake and my own, I had to stay calm. Any action above eye movement might cause more emotion and damage than needed right now.

Steve came in everyday and checked on me. He never came into the room though. He would knock, Bucky would come to the door, and then they would talk for a little. Sam and Natasha came twice, Tony once.

Bruce was the only one Bucky allowed to come in to talk to me. He would read my vitals to make sure I wasn't slowing dying from the inside out, and then he would try get me to talk. He was persistent, but I never did. The moment I tried speaking, I would think about my parents, and then I wanted to start screaming and crying again. That wasn't my goal, so I kept quiet. Bruce told Bucky to give me a couple more days or so, and then if I still wasn't speaking, Bucky needed to get me out of my room.

Our routine went on two more days until Bucky pulled me off the couch and threw a coat on me. We went up the elevator and onto the landing bay. It was snowing again, but it didn't feel like before. I always ran through the snow with my mom watching me. I always made snow forts and would start snowball fights with my dad. I would sometimes wrap my cat, Natalia in a giant scarf and bring her outside with me. She didn't care for the snow, but I was always so happy I didn't seem to notice.

I held my hand out and watched the flakes gather in my palm. My face started to feel hot and I fell onto my knees. I allowed a single tear to fall down my cheek, holding back the waterfall waiting to burst. I kept my eyes on the twinkles of white that rested ever so softly on my ground and in my lap. I could see pieces of my parents on each one of those snowflakes, all of them seeming to represent a memory of them. The overwhelming joy snow brought me had been turned into the gathering of memories. At least I was lucky enough to have those memories. I couldn't imagine myself in Bucky's shoes. To admire and feel the snow without any recollection of my past would be awful. I had to take in the best of this moment, what Bucky was trying to do for me. He tried to cheer me up with my joyful connection to snow, and he did. The tears that poured out of my eyes were proof that I was still capable of feeling that joy.

My mouth started to quiver and Bucky landed on the ground with an arm around me. I shut my eyes and let more tears escape.

"Do you want to go back inside?" Bucky asked, taking notice of my obvious upset being.

I didn't respond. He nodded his head and tried to lift me from the ground.

"Stop," I whispered.

He furrowed his brows in surprise and then squatted quickly back by my side.

"Do you not want to go back inside? I'm sorry that this is upsetting you," he mumbled.

"What are you talking about?" I sniffled. "I love the snow."