Him

Chapter 21: Speak

I hadn't seen mom all night and Sam and I sat on the couch. He knew not to touch me so often or to get too handsy. I was still traumatized.

The nightmares don't go away. You dream about what he's been doing, you can't stop thinking about what happened. And that's only thing that you think about, even when you try to just forget.

It doesn't go away. I wanted to push the memories out but they kept coming back I couldn't talk for a couple of months and it wasn't because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't.

Nothing was worse than watching everybody around me become so sad. And it was all because of me, I was forcing myself to try to get better. But by forcing myself, I made myself worse, I needed to focus on how I felt.

I felt miserable, alone, scared, and like nobody knows what I went through. He didn't do anything inside of me per se but the scars left on my body I'm nothing to the ones he left in my memory... The ones he left on my brain.

I am this emotional wreck and nobody can save me but me. I feel alone I am alone I don't want to drag anybody else with me. I don't want to hurt anybody else I just want to get better.

When will I get better? When will I be me again. These are questions I will never get an answer to and less I man up and work for it, for me. I need to get better for myself not for everybody else.

I love Sam, I love my mother, and I love Alyssa, but I really need to do something for myself. I feel like the only way I can convince myself to do anything is by telling me to do it for somebody else, otherwise I won't take care of myself that's just the way I am.

I don't see myself is worth it. Why would I spend all this time on myself, that's when I realized I'm not just doing it for me if I wanted everybody happier I have to do it for me. Seems kind of like an oxymoron but then again when have I ever made sense? I'm just trying to get through this.

I sat at the opposite end of the couch.

"I don't want to push Nina... so if I say anything outta line, let me know and I'll fly off immediately."

I nodded in agreement.

"Are you just done talking, or was that a one time thing, or do you just really need to nod right now."

"I just really needed to nod right now. I'll talk on occasion, ...I'm sorry Sam I didn't mean to go mute"

Sam looked at me, his face was twisted into an expression of confusion. Why was he looking at me like this, I didn't say anything wrong. Or maybe I did. Another thing I had to apologize for.

"Nina, don't apologize for stuff like that. It's how you have to get over this... situation. You have to recover in your own way. I was okay with you not talking, just seeing your face gave me hope. And even if you never talked again... I would've still been with you through it all."

My heart skipped a beat.

I hadn't felt this in a long while, Sam, he always knew how to make me feel something.

Even when I wanted to feel nothing. Even when I was just emotionless.

"Y...you would?" I asked hesitantly.

"I meant every word Nina." He slowly inched his hand to mine. He was testing the waters.

"I would wait forever and a lifetime if that meant being with you... maybe I haven't told you this, but you're different from everyone else. Yes even Jenna."

My eyes began to water, my face red trying to hold back the tears.

Sam's hand finally reached mine. I... I didn't flinch, I entwined my fingers with his.