Him

Chapter 25: Jello.

Whenever I thought of hospital food the first place my mind went to was jello. Then again it wasn't very often I would think of such things.

My mind bounced from once subject to another in an effort to suppress all the pain I was feeling at the moment, and thinking of things like jello helped.

It was either Jello or bask in my own self deprecating state. That's where the dark thoughts hid. I was not who I once was, I do not think before I act. I do not see any of the possibilities anymore.

My life has been one big blur after I accepted the fact that Sam made it all topsy turvy. Nothing was the same and now here I was thinking about Jello while my mother lays damaged in a hospital bed across the hall.

"Nina."

Sam's voice snapped me out of my deep intimate thoughts. The ones I'd never speak of when asked...or if anyone ever suspected such things and actually ever asked. It has happened before, on occasion.

We were in the hospital cafeteria eating our food when I finally responded.

I looked up at Sam, my eyes as wide as a deer in headlights.

"Yeah?"

"Are you alright?... you seem..."

He tried looking for the right words to use. He was especially careful with me now. Especially after the wreck, I'd always be this fragile girl to him. I didn't have the words to say;

No, Sam I'm ok. I'm just working through things at my own pace. But knowing you're here makes the process go even faster. That you make me want to keep going... I'm alright. It just takes time and I'm sorry...

"Off?"

Sam's face twisted into a look of sudden fear.

"No! No, that's not what I meant at all! Nina..."

I laughed.

"It's ok. I'm fine"

For a lack of better words. Sure, I'm fine.

I thought sarcastically, mocking myself.

Sam looked at me quietly. His eyes deeply set on me, his gaze almost burrowing into my skin.

"I can't tell if you're lying or not."

He said seriously.

Neither could I.

"Sam-"

Sam wasn't humoring me, neither was he going to. He made this very clear.

I stared deep into his concerned blue eyes and leaned in. My hand rested on the side of his face and partially on his neck as both of our breathing slowed down. Our heartbeats slowing down into a calm and relaxed reaction. We were both in a very peaceful state.

I scooted inches closer using my chair as my knees positioned themselves, one between his legs, the other on the outer side of his right leg.

"Baby..."

I whispered in a low sweet voice.

"I'm alright..."

I closed my eyes and I tilted my head ever so slightly to kiss his soft warm lips. Ones that I had so much missed.

Sam's hand entangled my hair as he rested his hand on the back of my neck. Our kiss was soft and passionate, to which at some point made us realize that our love had to have some sort of public decency.

We made it back to my hospital room where we continued the kiss. It was not pushy and it wasn't aggressive. It was an I miss you kiss. It was an I love you kiss, a I'm glad you're still alive, I've really missed your lips kiss, the I need you kiss.

He laid back on the bed, me atop of him as we kissed. This wasn't to be mistaken as sexual, as anyone would think that given the position. Especially if they walked in with no context. But it wasn't that at all, after months of ignoring all who cared for me and seeking solace in my lonesome.

I craved the physical connection I had with Sam.

I needed his body against mine so that I knew this was real and that I could continue going on. Because if he wasn't  here, then I would go mad.

Well... even madder.

Sam moved away for a brief moment to breathe.

"Nina... are you sure you're ok with this?"

I nodded. I didn't want to take it too hard considering he was only looking out for me. But some part of me wanted him to believe that I wasn't this broken girl.

So in an effort to do so I pressed my lips harder against his, and to my surprise he kissed back just as hard. He knew I could take it and he most definitely felt the want, no... need, in my body. The urgency I felt in needing him rushed throughout my entire system.

I moved away to breathe.

"Does that answer your question baby?
I've been gone a long time, I understand. But now I'm craving something new. Our physical connection... I'm not asking for anything too much for me to handle but you don't understand how much I needed to kiss you."

I rested my head on his chest, his hand rested on my lower back and his other playing with my hair softly.

"It's alright, I just don't want to push you. But if that's what you want, I'll give it to you. You mean the entire world to me Nina, everything. So if you need anything, I'm here."

I smiled at his words. Nothing had been more pleasing. I hadn't found comfort in words for a very long time and for some reason, only now I did.

Though I was on the worst of situations, I now believed that we could make it through this. Me and Sam an actual couple again, mom safe and sound at home, and no more locking myself away in order to "protect" others. I was better now. And that's all I wanted.

I'm strong.

I repeated it in my head multiple times.

"Nina, please don't think I believe you're weak. It's not that at all, it's just that I want what's best for you."

How did-

"I know Sam, it's just I'm trying to work on things. I'm sorry if I'm slow on it but I am working. I'm not fragile, just starting fresh."

He smiled.

"I know."

All I remember after that was falling asleep in his arms and waking up only hours later. But by then he was gone.