d i a r y • Murdoc x 2D

d i a r y ; 9

4:32 p.m

i'm currently in my room crying. nothing is okay, i just wish he knew how much i loved him.

i feel so used. 

so unneeded.

so useless.

until now i realized how useless i really am, i went out for the first time in a couple of weeks, Murdoc was on a bench, shirtless. bottles of beer surrounding him as he had one in his hand half way done. "aye face ache, get ova hea'" , he then pointed at the ground that was empty next to him. i walked over and smiled, i didn't really care if he was having a hangover, i was just really happy how he was treating me at that moment. i sat down next to him, he had a box of cigarettes in his pocket. i pointed at them and he nodded, i took the box and opened it, only two were left. i took one and laid the box of cigarettes in front of us and took my lighter out of my pocket. 

"ahg, mah bloody head hurts"

"what weh you last night?"

"oh well eh, at a baw' wit some acquaintances, we den left to de' house and i basically slept with a few girls. . . ehm"

his expression changed from a smile to emotionless, he lowered his head and took the last cigar. i handed him my lighter with a half smile, i wasn't jealous i was just sad. he then raised his head up again and talked about how he 'did it' with them. i wasn't so into the story, until he said "you know wot, i'm actually glad Paula left, actually you're so much betah' than her." 

my heart stopped for a moment, or at least it felt like it. "roit" was all i said. i stood up and ran back inside, he came running after me screaming that he didn't mean it "like that". i closed the door before he could get in. i then came running here, to my room. i locked my door and went over to my bed, i jumped on it and stuffed my face onto my pillow and started crying. he kept knocking on my door for a while but then gave up. 

right next to me was this journal. where i kept all my secrets, many of my emotions, many of my thoughts about the future, waiting or mainly; wishing for them to somehow, someday become true. wanting to be happy for once, i'v just felt okay. not happy but okay, or glad. 

i just wish he realized how much i loved him. 

A/N
i wrote this in English class, risking getting in trouble. What even is my life ahhg. 'S/O to Lizzylizard9 because they're great 💓
Also I'd like to thank you all so fucking much for 100+ reads this means so much to me, I promise I'll do my best to improve my writing skills because I know they're not the best.
If you want, could you guys follow my spam/meme/band account please?
It would mean a lot. 💓