Sinking Through the Cracks

Suicidal

I make it through the week and come across Saturday with an undeveloped plan to hang out with both Anthony and Penelope.  I call Anthony on Saturday morning and after a few minutes of talk, he agrees to come over.  When I call Penelope, there isn't an answer.  I call a few more times over the span of twenty minutes, but she doesn't answer.  I get in the shower, wondering what's going on with her, but it slips out of my mind as the music hits me.  I get out of the shower and dry my hair making it slightly poufy by accident.  I get dressed in a black and white striped sweatter, black leggings, a red bandana tied around my head, and black converse.  I put on a thin line of winged eyeliner, mascara, and a tinted chapstick.  I spray some candy scented perfume on when the doorbell rings and it's Anthony.

"Did Penelope tell you if she had plans today or anything?" I ask, concerned.

"No.  Penelope and I aren't exactly that close." he says.  He seems to notice that I'm on edge and he says,

"Why?"

"She didn't answer my calls..."

"We could walk to her house..." he suggests.  I would consider it an invasion of privacy, but I'm so worried that I don't care.  I've never had friends before and now that I do, I want to make sure that they are alright.  I grab a thin black hoodie, pulling it over my shoudlers as I walk through the door, following Anthony.  We get to her house in a matter of minutes, both of us practically running.  I walk tot he front door and am about to knock when I suddenly feel nervous.  I hold my clenched fist against her front door, trying to convince myself to knock, but I suddenly can't stand the idea.  I turn around and face Anthony, about to ask him to just go back to my house, but he knocks for me.  We wait a few minutes but hear nothing from inside.  I pull out my phone, calling her from her doorstep, Anthiny knocking again.  I see an open window and carefully step inbetween the few plants in her garden to try and get a peak of what's happening inside.  Everything appears normal, but I can't see anyone or any sign of human life.  I only get short views of the room however because I have to jump in order to see inside.  Anthony joins me by the window and he pushes it open.

"What are you doing?!" I whisper shout, staring at him wide eyed.

"I'm gonna boost you in and you're going to open the door from the inside." he says calmly and before I can protest, I'm lifted off my feet.  He holds me like we've just been married.  He turns and I reach my arms out, grabbing the window ledge.  I slide in to the room, head first, my arms hitting the floor, my body in a weird push up position.  I wriggle on to the room and I can hear Anthony chuckling form outside muttering about how graceful I am in a sarcastic tone.  My face burns as I peek around a few corners in the house before opening the door for Anthony.  We slowly creep around the house, calling Penelope's name when we come across her bedroom.  The room itself is plain, the color schemem consisting of mainly gray and yellow, but it's okay.  My eyes travel through the room in a matter of seconds, not findng anything out of place until I see Penelope in bed, fully clothed, a piece of paper lying on the nightstand.  I carefull walk forward, not making noise on the carpeted floor, and pick up the note.  

To anyone who finds me and cares what happened.  I killed myself.  I had parents who didn't care, imaginary friends, and no one who loved me.  Scratch that.  There are two people in the world who I think actually care about me, Ally and Anthony.  I'm apologize to them, hoping that they might miss me now that I am gone.  Maybe this can be a message to all the people who taunted me, isolated me, and refused to be my friend.  Everyone says to ignore what people say about you, whether they say it to your face or behind your back, but somethings are hard to ignore.  It's hard to ignore when your life long friend calls you a freak who doesn't deserve to be alive.  No one really knows how much that hurts until it happens to them.  The only people that I have come to trust since then is Anthony and Ally, two people who might have genuenly cared about me, two people who might miss me when I no longer come to school.  They are the only ones allowed to be sad about me being gone because they are the only ones who got to know me and then stuck around.  Anyway, thanks for the shitty life everyone.  And to Anthony and Ally- thanks for being there.

Penelope

I kneel on the ground, sobbing, clutching the note in my shaking hands.  I hear Anthony's voice in the background, talking to someone on the phone, his voice thick like he might cry.  Sometime later, police arrive with an ambulance.  A woman puts her hands on my shoulders, leading me out of the room, and she sits me down on a step outside.  She's trying to talk to me, get the story out of me, but I can't form words.  I can't describe what happened.  I can't unsee the cold, lifeless, body of one of my friends.  I can't believe that I let that happen.  If I had called earlier, if I had stopped by to invite her over... I could have done so much.  Time continues to pass and I only dimmly remember the police eventually leaving, followed by the ambulance, Anthony and I sitting on the steps leading to Penelope's front door.  I'm freezing, shaking, when Anthony puts his hand on my knee.  He slowly rubs a circle on my skin and his touch is the only thing that feels familiar to me, the entire world seems to have changed.  After a few minutes he puts one arm under my knees, the other against my back, and picks me up, putting me on his lap.  I turn, putting my head on his shoulder, crying in to him.  I only have one friend in the world because the other killed herself to get away from me.  Now she is gone, leaving me with the guilt.