Sinking Through the Cracks

Divorce

Anthony drives me back home and drops me off at the front of the house.  I go inside and my mom and dad are shouting a each other in the hallway.  When I come through the doorway they both stare at me.  My mother's mouth hangs open and she turns at me, snarling. 

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THERE IS SO MUCH SHIT AROUND THIS HOUSE FOR YOU TO DO AND YOU JUST RUN OFF WITH YOU UGLY ASS BOYFRIEND WHO ONLY LOVES YOU AS A CHARITY CASE WHICH IS WHAT EVERY ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD DOES HOW DARE YOU LEAVE THIS HOUSE YOU UGLY FAT ASS GET TO YOUR ROOM NOW BEFORE I SLAP THE SIDE OF YOUR DISGUSTING FACE YOU DON'T-"
but I cut her off by running upstairs.  Tears are running down my face and I don't know why I am upset by her, because she's such a bitch.  I get into my room and slam the door and I sink against the door.  I spend the rest of the night crying.  It's past midnight and I'm curled up in my bed.  The tears are coming down slowly and I'm stroking Nagini.  Slowly the door creaks open and my dad sticks his head in.  Excellent.  Another person gets to see me cry within this week.  I wipe my face on the sleeves of my giant sweater and provide him with a watery smile.  He smiles back, but it fades when he sits on my bed.

"Where did you go?"
"Anthony is determined to have a good time and take me to prom... I went over to his house.  He bought me a dress and his mom altered it and they bought shoes and a mask and I'm still not sure that I want to even go."
"Well, it sounds like you'll have a great time.  But.  Here's the thing kid.  Your mom and I are getting a divorce.  I can't stand her.  You probably feel the same way.  So when we go to court, I'm gonna fight to have you full custody.  Okay?"
I nod and I just feel sick.  The thoughts about not having my own particular life at this moment are returning and I want to throw up and cry at the same time. 
"Did you eat?"
"Yeah, I had dinner with Anthony's family."
"Okay.  Goodnight." and he leaves.  I didn't have dinner with Anthony's family and I didn't have dinner with my own family.  I haven't eaten anything today, but you wouldn't be able to tell with the way my body looks.  I fall asleep with Nagini and all my lies. 

I wake up the next morning and pull on some boots.  It's almost four in the morning and n one in the house is awake.  I grab my set of keys and sneak out the front door, and I just start walking.  I walk away from my house and from my life and from everything that happened yesterday, and I just walk.  I start to get light headed and I find a park bench that seems to have appeared out of no where.  I have to focus on my breathing and it doesn't feel like there's enough air and I sort of clutch my chest.  It hasn't fully developed into spring yet so there's still a chill to the air in the mornings and evenings.  The cold air burns as I drag it in and out.  When I can finally breathe, I get up and keep walking.  I end up on this weird street with just a few cars are passing by here and there.  I keep walking and I'm out of breath even faster than last time.  I sink onto the sidewalk and I'm shaking.  Black starts to encroach around the edges of my vision and my chest seems to be rattling with each breath.  I press my face into my knees, which are drawn closely against my chest.  When I finally get back to my feet, my chest is burning and I am so ready to just go back home.  I'm shaking and I feel cold and I with that I could just click my heels and be back home.  I walk and walk and I try to get home, but I start to shake and the cold just feels overbearing.  I sink onto the curb and try to control myself.  I cover my face with my hands and I don't know how much time passes as my breath returns into my chest.  I hear a car pull by and then another and the road starts to get busy.  Then I hear one pull up and stop.  I don't look up and then I hear the voice,
"Ally?  Ally?"
I look up and Anthony's dad is staring at me.  I give him a little wave and a slight smile.
"What are you doing out on the street at 5 in the morning?"
"Just wanted to walk."
"How about I drive you home?"
"I'm okay."
"I don't feel comfortable leaving you here."
"I'm fine, sir.  Really."
"Ally.  Get in the car," and his face is serious, so I drag myself off the curb and pull open the car door.  I buckle up and he starts driving.  I give him directions and I'm back at my house.  I'm about to get out when he places his hand on my knee.  He squeezes my leg and gives me this sort of half smile and then he pats my knee and looks back at the road.  I get out of the car and mutter a thank you and he drives away.  I get inside and curl up on the sofa under a thick blanket and sleep.