Sinking Through the Cracks

Running Away

The next day rolls around and I force myself to go to the guidance counselor's office first period.  I drag myself through the hallways until I reach the door.  I grip the doorknob and take a deep breath before swinging the door open with a slight, fake, smile on my face.  I lower myself in to the leather seat, dropping my bag on the floor next to me.  I sigh slightly and stare at the wall behind Mitchel's head.  I twist my the end of my hair around my fingers, only letting go when it hurts.  I eventually switch my stare to my maroon vans.  I have on a dark gray sweater that hangs over one shoulder and a pair of black, fit and flair jeans.  I had applied a thick wing of eyeliner and now I worry about it smudging when I notice the silence in the room.  I glance up and Mitchel is staring at me, apparently waiting for a response.

"What?" I ask.

"I asked what your name was and then I realized that you had zoned out, and then I waited for almost a minute for you to answer."

"It's Ally."

"I was wondering if you have many friends in school?"

"No.  I was wondering how long we have to meet each other...?"

"The principle wants me to keep meeting you until I think you're okay."

"Do you think I'm okay? Can I leave?"

"I think that we should keep meeting."

"Why?"

"I think something might be wrong in your life and I don't think you're telling anyone.  You probably have trust issues and something else that I can't identify, but by reading your body language, I know that you're uncomfortable here.  Are you uncomfortable with me or is it just being here and having the threat of having to talk above your head?"

He's just said a lot and now I wonder what I'm doing exactly that mean that I look uncomfortable.  I stop and think for a second and he continues talking,

"I think that we should do a trust exercise.  Like a trust fall."

My heart immediately starts racing.  I don't trust people.  It's just not my thing.  If he says that I have to fall in to him, I won't be able to trust him, and he won't be able to catch me.  I'm going to crush him. He makes me stand up and put on a blind fold.  I stand as stiff as a board as he positions himself.  Then he says,

"Okay, fall back."

I don't move.  I stand there.

"I'm ready for you to fall back." he repeats.

I still don't move.  I begin to shake and I pull the bandana away from my eyes.  I turn back around and face him, saying, 

"I can't do this.  I don't even know you and you want me to fall back and I never talk this much... Can I just go?"  but he shakes his head.   

"You will not leave.  Who do you trust? Who can you do this with?" he asks.  It only takes a few seconds before an image of Anthony pops up in my mind.  I nod before saying his name.  He stares at me...

"Because there totally isn't more than one Anthony in this school.  Can you get him now? We still have another half hour." I nod and dart out of the room.  I go to a classroom that's only a few hallways away from where I was.  I stick my head in and ask the teacher if Anthony can come with me.  Reluctantly, she lets him come with me and I lead him back down the hallways. 

"Wait! What are we doing?" he asks.  I keep walking and say,

"The guidance counselor wants to do a trust exercise with me and I couldn't do it, so he asked me to go get someone I could do it with." I say in one breath.  We go back down the hallways  and we enter the guidance room.  Anthony nods at the guidance counselor and Mitchel explains what he wants Anthony to do.  He puts Anthony in position and re-ties the  blindfold around my eyes.  I begin to shake again and I try to take deep breaths.  I give my hands a little shake before clenching my fists.  Why can't I trust Anthony? He and I have KISSED!!! He isn't going to drop me.  Okay, maybe he will drop me because I'm so heavy, but if he can hold me up, he will catch me.  I take a another deep breath and try to consider the problem at hand.  If I fall back and Anthony catches me, I might be able to get out of this office faster.  If I don't, I prove that I have trust issues and I'll only be in here longer.  I hear someone counting down from twenty and I begin to panic even more.  10, 9, 8... My hands are shaking and I can't even out my breathing... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... I fall back and my mind goes blank.  Anthony catches me after a little shriek escapes my lips.  He lifts me back to my feet and I pull the blindfold from around my eyes.  I'm still shaking and I sink in to a chair.  Anthony sits next to me and smiles at me, but I don't feel any better.  Mitchel sits across from the two of us and smiles at Anthony slightly. 

"Ally, can you sit outside my office for a minute so that I can talk to Anthony?" I nod and exit the room, grabbing my bag.  When I get to the hallway, I can't sit.  I walk through the empty hallways, finding myself in a bathroom.  I'm still shaking as I fumble for the razor in my bag.  I roll up my sleeves, pressing the cool blade against the smooth skin on the undersides of my forearms. The blade causes more and more blood to drip silently to the floor as I press it deeper in to my skin.  The immediate pain causes a flood of  calming relief to wash over me.  I lower myself on to the closed toilet seat.  After a few minutes, I press a wad of toilet paper to the deeper cuts.  Once they stop bleeding, I pull my sleeves back down and tidy the blood on the floor before exiting the bathroom.  I get back in the hallway only to find my vision obscured by black dots.  I blink vigorously, trying to see, when I sink down the wall.  I feel someone's hand on my shoulder, but I couldn't tell you who it was.  I guess I pass out, because when my eyes open, my vision now clear, I'm lying on a sofa or mat thing.  A nurse is sitting at a desk behind me.  I go to sit up and my head spins, the room swimming before me.  The nurse asks me to lie back down but I shake my head, causing even more pain.  I somehow manage to stand back up and I run, the woman behind me running after me, shouting for me to come back.  I lean this way and that, only falling twice, both times gripping my head in my hands.  I somehow get out of the building and I'm halfway home when my legs collapse.  I try to keep going, but my legs are practically numb in the cold.  I hear someone else's voice, a woman, and I try to stand again, but my legs are shaking vigorously.  I pass out again just as the woman's hand grabs my shoulder keeping me in place.