Sinking Through the Cracks

The Wish For Death

Why is it that we end up this way so often.  I'm curled up on Anthony's lap, and I'm balling my eyes out, and I can't say anything.  The tears are coming out too quickly and my breathes are not coming in fast enough and I can't breathe and I am really okay with the thought of dying at this very moment.  I hate feeling weak.  I hate showing him that I can't handle myself let alone the outside world.  

So I'm on his lap, crying and shaking, curled up, and I can't breathe.  I just want to die.  I want Anthony to leave so that I can go upstairs and die.  Kill myself.  Take one of the jars of pills from the cabinet and swallow all of them, one by one.  Find my sharpest razor and press it as far into my skin as it will go.  I want to die.  I want to leave this world behind just like Penelope did.  I want to die.  

Anthony pulls both of my wrists into one of his hands and repeats my name, but every time he does, I can only hear it in the mouth of someone else.  Someone telling me that I was overweight.  Someone insisting that I should go on a diet.  Someone making a rude remark about me in a tone that they think won't reach me.  Someone shouting my name about how I am useless and stupid and ridiculous.  Someone telling me that I should just kill myself.  I can't hear Anthony over those voices.  I am sobbing and straining for breathe and shaking and now, although my lungs are burning for air, I am screaming.  Maybe it was in an attempt to block out the voices, or to block out Anthony, or to block out the world around me, but I can't breathe and I'm screaming and I really want to die.

I am not on Anthony's lap.  I am no where.  I feel no pain.  Everything has stopped.  There is no sound.  There is no one else.  I am in a world of my own.  I can't see the rest of my body, only the grayness around me.  Everything is quiet and still.  The grayness begins to turn lighter around the center and now shapes are forming.  Everything is still blurry, but I can see things.  Real things.  And then I'm back in reality.  I am lying on a cold, stiff something.  I move one of my hands around and it stings.  I try to move my eyes to see what's wrong, but the room starts spinning.  I move the other arm and I find a cool rail.  It makes me shiver as I withdraw my hand.  My ears slowly register a monitor beside me that beeps in time with my heart.  I feel a bracelet on my arm.  I have been hospitalized.  I open my eyes and although I feel sick, I sit up and look around.  I am in the ICU.  I only know because of all of those hospital tv shows.  I realized that it hurt when I moved my arm because it has an IV in it.  I am thankful to see that they put it in at the exact beginning of my wrist, where there aren't any cuts.  I find the call button on the wall and press it.  A nurse comes in seconds later.

"Dear, I need to to lie back.  My name is Madison, and I will be your nurse for a while." 
I nod because my mouth feels dry and because I don't feel like speaking.  
"You were hospitalized with dehydration that caused you to pass out.  If your vitals are well enough, you'll be out of here by the end of the night." 
I nod again and look at my hands, which are folded in my lap.  She says that she's going to let in my dad, because only family is allowed in.

A few minutes later, he pushes through the curtains and I don't dare look up.
"Alice, what happened?  I come home and you're passed out with that boy holding you and your face is all wet and he's got panic in his eyes...  Is he a repeat of Michael?"
I shake my head, the dull pain of the movement radiating through my skull.  
"I'm gonna believe you.   But if he changes his mind, you better tell me."  I nod and the nurse comes back in, insisting that he needs to leave.

I leave the hospital that night and I don't see Anthony for a few days.  Sadly, the same does not go for my mother.  She is just as wicked, and she has resumed fighting with my dad.  But they have fought before, so I'm not worried.  I take off a few days from school, and they lead directly in to spring break, so I'm free from the torture of school for  few days, but the downside is that I still feel awful.  I'm sitting in the art room on my laptop when it buzzes and a request for face-time pops up.  I turn the screen toward the painting of the cosmic owl and answer.

"What...?  What am I looking at here?"
"It's the cosmic owl.  I'm probably too far away for it to be focused."
"Oh.  Can I see your face?"
"No."
"Ally..."  Anthony moans. I don't have any makeup on and I'm not in the mood to see him.  Even though that brake down was bound to happen, I don't want to talk about it.  I also don't want to talk about prom.  Even talking has been making me tired these days.  

"What do you want, Anthony?"
"I wanted to talk about prom."
"You think that after what happened...?  I'm not going to prom.  End of story."
"Ally.  I saw what happened.  I don't understand, but I was there.  Why do you not want to go so badly?"
"I don't want to go because then I would have to buy a dress and make an effort and go to school at night, all just so that Ruby can make fun of me."  
What if I promised you that she wouldn't be a problem?"
"Then I would ask you what parallel universe you discovered and how could I get in on that awesome deal."

He laughs on the other line.  It's starts sort of like a deep rumble and then it just stretches and it makes me want to laugh, but I don't because I want to remain serious about not going to prom.  

"What if I told you that I bought you a dress and I know that you have shoes, and that my mother would do your makeup if you wanted?" 
"Anthony, I seriously-"
"Sorry, but I will be driving over to pick you up in about 30 minutes.  Please humor me."

And the screen goes blank.  I drag myself out of the cocoon of blankets that I made and go back to my room.  I pull off my sweatpants and stand there shivering for a moment, trying to find something to wear.    In the end, I put them back on.  They're plain black and clean, so why the hell not.  I pull a red and black flannel over my white tank top, pulling my hair into a messy bun and putting on heavy eyeliner.  Black converse complete my hobo look and I collapse onto my bed, exhausted.  I get a text from Anthony that he's a few streets away, so I slip out of my window and onto the tree branch.  I try to make my way down gracefully, but I fall onto my ass at the roots of the tree.  I walk around to the front of the house and sit on the steps.  Anthony pulls up and I get in the car, dreading whatever will happen next.