Better Than Tears (sweeter than sleep)

How long do I wait?

Saying goodbye to Taehyung was harder than Jungkook had thought it would be.

He knew that he'd miss him, as he already meant so much even if he'd only known him a short amount of time, but still. Jungkook knew that if Taehyung saw him crying it would only make the other sad and worried, so he bit his lip and scored lines in his palms with his fingernails to hold back the tears. It wasn't something that would make Taehyung happy, but he really wanted to be brave and not cry about this. He'd see Taehyung again. He'd promised. Jimin had promised too, when they'd all been at home together.

"I'll invite him often so you can see him, Jungkook-ah, okay? And I like Taehyung's idea. You should definitely stay over on the weekends. Would you like that?"

Jungkook had nodded, immeasurably grateful for the amount of care Jimin was willing to give him. "I'd like that," he'd whispered, managing a smile that made both Taehyung and Jimin beam at him. With both of them smiling like he'd just done something amazing, Jungkook couldn't help but feel tremulously happy. It was hard to be too worried in the presence of Jimin's smile.

Even though a few days couldn't erase years of habits and brain wiring, Jungkook already found himself inclined to rest in Jimin's smile and speech, rather than just in his tears. Smiles were so much better than tears, he was discovering. Taehyung hugged him tight, planting several kisses on his head until Jimin told him to stop, he'd embarrass Jungkook. And yeah, Jungkook was embarrassed, but still desperate for affection of any sort, so he loved each and every kiss as a trophy he could never have thought he deserved.

"You'll eat, right, Jungkookie? You'll take care of yourself? You've got my number now. Text me or call if you need anything, if you just need someone to love on you, okay? And always, always come to Jimin if something is wrong. Don't forget that we want to take care of you. You got that?" He'd cupped Jungkook's face and looked at him so tenderly that it really was very hard to hold back tears.

"I'm not saying you have to change right away. Don't feel ashamed of your habits or anxieties. Just don't be afraid to ask for help. We're here for you."

"Taehyung's right, Jungkook-ah. We promise, and we don't make promises we intent to break."

Jungkook buried his face in Taehyung's jacket to avoid having to answer that ridiculous declaration. It was so completely mad. Jimin and Taehyung were mad for loving him so much for no reason at all, but he wasn't going to say no. He needed them, and they seemed okay with that, so he was going to run with it, because it wasn't like he had anything or anyone else.

"Okay, I gotta go. Bye, Jiminnie." Taehyung scooped Jimin into a bear hug too, eliciting a warm laugh from him. Jungkook let the sound of it wash over him. "Bye, Jungkookie. See you."

And just like that, Taehyung was gone.

Jungkook held onto his smile for several seconds, remembering the feeling of Taehyung's arms around him and his supportive talks and kisses.

Then, he unclenched his fists.

And cried.

--

Jimin, surprisingly, didn't hug him right away. He just sat him down on the couch and pat his shoulder with a, "cry it out, Jungkook-ah, I'll be in the kitchen."

Jungkook stared after him, wiping away the tears furiously, wondering if Jimin was actually fed up with his crying. Then he corrected himself. No, Jimin was not fed up, because he said he would never get mad at him. So, he shook himself, took a few deep breaths and stood up again. He hadn't been crying because he'd been overwhelmed or anxious or in despair. It had only been because he was said and thinking about how he was going to miss Taehyung. It was a simple, regular reason this time. He was just a little sad.

That was okay though, and he didn't need Jimin's hugs to calm him down. He could do that all by himself. Jimin must've known that. Jimin was smart. He needed somebody to be smart and have a cool head to think these things through for him. Except, he'd just thought it through himself. Perhaps the road to recovery wasn't as hard as he was expecting it to be. A small voice in his head told him it was going to be excruciating, but he ignored it.

He was going to rejoice in the small victories, because they were kind of all he had.

That and Jimin.

Jungkook walked into the kitchen, where a cup of hot chocolate was waiting for him on the table. Jimin sat on the counter, swinging his legs a bit as he nursed his own mug. "Come sit down, Jungkook-ah."

Jungkook sat. "Do you think," he started, stumbling a bit over his words, "do think that I, that maybe, I don't need you all the time, or I don't know if I don't need you, or maybe I don't know how to think about it..." he trailed off, staring at his hot chocolate, raising the cup to his lips and letting the warmth and flavor wash down his throat.

A humming sound came from Jimin's direction. "I think you can learn how to deal with your problems in a safe and comfortable way. It only took you a few minutes to stop crying and come in here. That's progress. Of course I'll always hold you when you really need it."

"What if I need you a lot?" Jungkook asked in a small voice.

"Then I'll hold you a lot, until you don't need it."

"Will you, um," Jungkook cleared his throat, "will you hold me even if I don't need it? If I just want it because it's warm?" He gulped at his drink to avoid embarrassment.

Jimin's signature chuckle trickled into his ears. He heard footsteps crossing the kitchen and Jimin's hand turned his head up. "Jungkook-ah, I'll always hold you, whether you need it or just want it. But I'd be happy if I could hold you only when you want it."

Jungkook's face must have shown his confusion because Jimin sat down and explained. "I want you to get to a point where the hugs you receive are hugs of pure affection, spontaneity and fun, not because they're holding you together. Understand? I want these things to be extra. I want my hugs to be a bonus, not something that you cling to to keep from falling apart."

It was a little bit shameful to hear just how much Jimin understood him, how much he knew he meant to Jungkook, but also good, to know that he was so supported and that Jimin also wanted to hug him just because, not because it was needed.

"So, I can ask for a hug anytime, just because I want one?"

"Anytime," Jimin promised. "But you don't have to ask. You can just hug me."

"I'm not good with initiating things." Jungkook smiled a bit despite himself, though it was probably crooked.

Jimin raised a brow at that. "If you can ask questions, you can learn to initiate other things, not just conversations."

"Well, you're easy, mostly," Jungkook protested.

"Mostly?"

"I mean, sometimes," and Jungkook knew he was blushing a little, "just when I think you're a little upset or impatient, but now I know that just means you're worried."

Jimin smile-sighed, reaching out to pat Jungkook's hand. "Well, here's an easy solution: don't give me reason to be worried."

"I think I'm still gonna give you reasons, though." Jungkook said it sadly, but Jimin didn't stop smiling, his favorite smile, the one that was so gentle and warm and said everything was okay. "Do you mind being worried some of the time?"

"No," Jimin answered firmly. "I don't. I promised you, didn't I? I'm here for you."

"Okay." Jungkook smiled for real, relief shivering down his spine.

"Are you still doubting me a bit?"

"I don't mean to. I don't really. Not in my head, anyway, if that makes sense."

"I get you." Jimin stood up and took their empty mugs to the sink. "Want to go out for dinner tonight?"